Check your ta-ta's month!

Well in honor of this being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I decided I wanted to make a cute cake for the amazing staff at "The Beach". I thought this was perfect because I could make a cake and not have to eat it all because I feel bad that it is going bad on the counter.

Some of the sweet staff... not all of them... they are so great at making you feel alright about what you are going though. They are so attentive, answer any questions and treat you with such respect. Special, special people!

It was a pumpkin spice cake on the top and bottom and a vanilla sponge in the middle. Bavarian cream filled the insides and it was covered in cream cheese icing. Hope it was good!!

Give me a case of Meno-start!

OK... let me paint a little picture for you... hot cold hot cold hot cold hot cold hot... cold hot cold hot cold hot cold hot cold.... cold... HOT!!! It is really friggin' annoying. The "cold" is from not having much hair up top to keep me warm.

The "hot" are hot flashes from being put into menopause from the chemo. One moment, I am fine and the next my face beams red, like I am embarrassed about something I said, and I can't get cool fast enough.

There are a list of symptoms that one may experience while this temporary menopause is "inflicted"... (word carefully chosen).

Sometimes at night I have night sweats. I wake up soaked, literally, like I have just got off the treadmill from a 1 hour run... my pillow is wet, the sheets are wet, my head is sweaty and my whole body feels glossy. It is a gross feeling.

I will just list a few of the symptoms that I have/am experiencing. No cycle anymore, mood swings, fatigue - not sure if that is from chemo, radiation and fake menopause... most likely all of the above, difficulty concentrating, memory lapses, dizziness, anxiety, TOTAL irritability and some itchy skin. Don't feel sorry for Ken, he is fine and I am not that cranky unless it is too loud, hot, cold, the conversation is too confusing... ok, feel a little bad for him. ;)

As the old saying goes, "It's better the devil you know than the one you don't." I am looking forward to the day to have my old friend come for a visit again. At least I won't be hot, crazy and exhausted!

From the mouths of babes.

Just over a week ago, a friend of mine from my childhood was reading my blog. Her sweet son C, came up to her and started to ask her some questions. This is what she wrote to me.

My son caught me reading your blog today and started asking me question about you, how I knew you and why I was reading your blog and so on. I explained most of it not in too much detail but enough so that he would get the picture of what you and your family must be going through. Must ad something else C is 9 and has been growing his hair out for 2 years. Our conversation ended there and we carried on with our evening.

A while later C came to me with the lap top with three web sites opened. First with the breast cancer wrist band and asked if we could get some to support breast cancer, a second with a website of how to donate hair for wigs and the specs to do so and the third was your facebook page. C then asked if you needed a wig and if not he wanted to donate it to someone else that needed hair. To make a long story short you have impacted my 9 year old sons life. He measured his hair and it is 10 inches long and we found a place in Vancouver that will take the hair. He also made an appointment for his haircut tomorrow. I asked him if we wanted to think about it for a while and his response was "What is there to think about mom, girls need hair way more than me."

What a sweetie! My heart was so warm with the thought of the sacrifice this youngster was willing to do for a stranger. And the fact that C is only 9!!! His thoughtfulness says a lot about his wonderful parents... they are doing something right for sure! This really meant so much to me because I can well imagine how important his hair was to him. Trust me, I know! LOL Our hair, in a way, is part of our inward expression of who we are and what we're trying to portray to others - sophistication, put together, tired mom, Granny, rocker, "punk", shy and the list goes on. So for him to give up a small part of who he is, to give to someone else is so special.

I learned a few amazing lessons from young C. First of all, you never really know who is watching you and what they may be learning from you.

Love can be shown in so very many ways... no matter what age you are!

You never know how you might be able to impact the lives of others from small and great acts of kindness and sacrifice.

And although I didn't need a wig, I know that the hair donated from C will mean more than a warm head for someone and sense of who they were, even if it was bed head from a little one... it will be a life long reminder of the love that a perfect stranger can have for another person. It will be an example of how to serve and love and care for others in ways that will live on in ones heart forever.

Thank you C! Your act of kindness will always remind me of the amazing qualities that we can acquire no matter what age we are. YOU are an amazing young man!

Radiation

I had a friend ask me to explain the difference between chemo and radiation and what they do. Very valid, because I had no idea what they were before I hopped on this train. What I did know (or so I thought) was that chemo makes you barf.

Chemo, explained by my simple brain, are drugs that are given to you to kill cancer throughout your body. There are many, many different chemo's, so there are many, many different combo's they can come up with depending on what you are fighting. So again, there are various side affects that can occur. It kills the cancer cells, but also kills your good cells and can cause you to become sick very easily because your immune system is shot.

Radiation is treating a very specific area of the body through - well, radiation. Like an x-ray I guess. This is what the machine looks like... a giant kitchen mixer.

This picture is one off the net, but the one that is used here is very similar.

You lay on a table in a specific position to how your treatment has been set up. That is why they put tattoo's on so that they can line you up exactly for your treatment each day. The tech's (I think that is what they are called) set you up, and double check your positions with one another and then they leave the "vault", seriously that is what it is called. It is three walls of cement and there you lie, half naked on a table being fried while everyone else is well out of harm's way. I have told myself that the people who do this job for a living need to be well away from the beams as they do this all day everyday. So it must be safe for me... ya right. But, life saving? (still reading a lot about natural ways to kill cancer) none the less.

Dr. M explained it to us as an extension of the surgery. Just to make sure that they got everything. They are also doing my neck because I have lymph nodes that run up there and still more behind the chest muscle that aren't removed.

That about sums up the difference in my uneducated version. I hope this helps!

More updated pic's.

I realized I haven't shown the rest of my ta-ta in a while. Plus I wanted some pic's before the radiation actually starts to show up.

So at this point I have 5 treatments down and 20 to go. I don't feel anything yet and as you can tell from my bright white skin, there is nothing to show from the radiation.

My scar has healed up well and "looks really good" or at least that's what I have heard. I still think it is gross and don't want to have too much to do with it. I don't know.... it's just odd.

I'll keep the pic's coming as to what is going on when I start to notice a change.

Two things.

First of all, have you seen "Despicable Me"?? One of my favorite shows. I love it, my kids love it and Ken loves it. It is great and if you haven't seen it, you should.

Anyways, we all know that my hair is growing back and it looks just like Gru's mad scientist's hair - completely unattractive.

Don't even say it's cute - because it just isn't. LOL

Did you know?

This post is for my husband... right now I feel lost without him.

Hey Babe,

I am sure that by now you are fast asleep... probably having a good one because last night, you were robbed of that. Something to do with a tiny 3 year old kicking you in the face as he was pressed between us and upside down in our bed. I hope your sleep is peaceful.

I wonder if you can feel that I am up. If you know that I am sad. I wonder if you know that even though we had a good cry yesterday about life and the reality of what our future may hold, I am still scared.... I wonder if you can feel me through the distance. Do you sense that tonight (and probably all week) I am sleeping in your t-shirt, just so I can feel like you are with me? I wonder if when my heart aches, does your heart ache?

I wonder if you know how much I absolutely love you. How I could not live this life without you and your money...... kidding. I wonder how much of "me" would exist if I didn't have you. I know you don't know how much I appreciate e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g!!!! that you have done, that you do and that you will do.

Do you know how much I love ALL of the things that we have gone through together in our marriage? The most memorable highs and lows. For without these, we would not be shaped into the people we are now - capable of the love and sacrifice that is needed to endure the moments at this time.

I wonder if you know how much I love the man, father, son and friend that you are. You bless the lives of many. Do you know how I love that you dream? Yes, it does drive me crazy and causes me to often roll my eyes, but on the inside I am smiling... because not one thing in this life, to you, is unattainable.

I wonder if you know that it is hard for me to breathe and my heart pounds when I think of all that we need to do in this life, together, as husband and wife, and mother and father. It overwhelms me to think of 1, 2, 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road. I NEED to be here. I NEED to help and love and teach. I guess I need to have more faith and know that only the Lord know of the plan for me and I have to trust in that.

Do you know that I can see us when we are older, sitting on a front porch of a white house, holding hands, wrinkled, old hands that have worked hard, on a sunny day watching life happen on the street we live on? The sun in shining through the leaves on the tall, green trees as the wind slightly moves them. It is beautiful and I hold onto that...

I wonder if you know how often I pray for you and your safety. That the Spirit will be with you and guide you and keep watch over you. I pray you never feel alone.

I honestly wonder if you will read this post because you don't read my blog. I hope you do. I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know how important you are to me. I hope you know that you are mine and I am yours.

I love you sweetie! I miss you. My arms and soul ache for you... for that feeling only you can give to make me feel complete (thank you Tom Cruise for ruining the word "complete" and making it cheesy in most instances!!). I am doing the best that I can to hold it together to make it easier for you and the kids until I can come back home. And we can be a family again.

And finally, I wonder if you know how much it means to me, when you take me in your arms and kiss me softly on my bald head. It is a moment like that, that I know how much you love me.

From brighter days.