Finally, an update.

Again I apologize, I know it's been a while but we didn't have our computer upstairs for a few weeks... Ken later informed me that I was more than able to use the one in the basement... well, of course I didn't think of that!

I finished up my first round of chemo, it went pretty well until I stopped.  For the first two weeks on the chemo I felt pretty good.  Just kinda nauseated at times, but not too bad but I did get a mouth full of sores.  On my gums, tongue and a few down my throat.  It was pretty crappy and I told Ken I wasn't sure how I was supposed to keep going if this was how I was going to feel.  Ken asked the nurse here how many "rounds" of this chemo I do and she said until it stops working or she can't do it anymore.  Needless to say I was completely discouraged by this response because I totally felt like crap.  Sorry, the week that I have had off has been worse.  I have felt like barfing almost the entire week but gravol did  help with that.  And I have the gross chemo film in my mouth... that is enough to make one want to barf.  You seriously can only brush your teeth so many times in a day and then I am sure the toothpaste will be giving me the mouth sores.

Yesterday I had my blood work done.  It all came back good, hemoglobin, liver function, neutrophils etc...  We should have the tumor marker results by tomorrow - AND I AM PRAYING THAT THEY HAVE GONE DOWN!!!  We all are.

Dr told us that the drug combo that I am on is usually very effective.  Of course there are people that it doesn't work on, and then there are people that have had quite a long term success with this regime.  I hope I am the latter.  Dr adjusted my dose, down a little, so that I will be able to tolerate it a bit better.  They don't want me to have the mouth sores and such so that is good news, because I was honestly wondering how I was going to do it over and over again if I felt the way I did on the first three weeks.

We also discussed repeat scans and what will happen with that.  Dr told us that usually you don't to a repeat CT until three months AFTER your last dose of radiation.  So we are looking at June-ish for that.  We were told that sometimes after radiation, the tumors can actually get a little bigger with inflammation so you really do need to give it some time for everything to settle down.

Dr asked how I was coming off the Dex.  I said I was doing pretty well and told him the dose that I am down to.  He said that was good but I had to take it exactly how it is prescribed so that it is best for my body.  Ken did tell him that I have been  having some headaches which we were told is completely normal for 8-12 weeks after radiation...  Also, coming off the dex does create some of those problems, headaches, dizziness etc, that I have been experiencing and Ken, rightfully so being as I was so forthcoming with my symptoms last time, was just trying to make sure that what I have been feeling is normal.  I was pleasantly surprised that they symptoms are normal.  And they haven't been nearly as bad as they were at Christmas.  Just more of a pressure headache if I bend over or again, if I get tired.  And then if I am tired, and I haven't napped, then I do have the aura's and that sort of crap, 1,000 pound noggin... you know, normal stuff that everyone gets on a daily basis.

I have been sleeping a lot more these past few weeks.  But I chalk that up to chemo and just regular healing.  I am so thankful for the help that we have that affords me to be able to sleep most of the day... k, well it's not that bad.  But I have upped my hours in our bed!  By MYSELF!!! all you perv's out there!

 

On a totally different note, today I went on a bike ride... granted it was just around the block.  I told Ken we should to a test ride before we actually ventured out onto the real road.  I almost crashed 3 times before we even got out of the driveway.  Ken was laughing, but seriously told me to get off my bike and walk it off the driveway because he didn't want me to scratch his truck.  Nice hey!?  The downhill part was awesome... going up the hill back to our house was enough of a workout for me.  I didn't walk my bike up, mostly out of pride, and there was a guy outside fertilizing his grass and I didn't want him to think I was a loser...  my outfit gave me away in that regard.  I decided that the phrase "it's like riding a bike" wasn't really true.  It most certainly felt as awkward as my first kiss and it didn't help that Ken was totally making fun of me, although, I would have made fun of me if I could have done two things at once.  I would usually pride myself because of my ability to "multi task", even though apparently it has been proven (probably by a man - sorry guys!) that your brain can not actually do two things at the same time.  Ya, you probably can't deliver a baby and make a stir fry at the same time (gross, why would you do that), but I can talk on the phone and do something at the same time.... Ken can't.  Literally, can not do it.  So if I could ride my bike and make fun of myself, I would have done it, but I am not that talented... YET!

 

I am getting stronger.  Because you all care so much.  If I am down on the floor, I can actually get back up on my Bambi legs with minimal pushing with my hands in front of me.  I can also go up the stairs now without holding on.  Little victories are huge for me right now, and I count a lot of weird things as another goal that I have met.

 

I did go for another run a few weeks ago.  Ken was working out in the morning and before I left he said, "Just be careful ok."  Me in all my positivity said, "Why?  What do you think is going to happen to me?"  So in my head I am thinking stroke, heart attack, aneurysm... thanks for the morning vote of confidence... All to which he replied, "No.  Just be careful.  Don't fall down or anything."  "Oh.  Ok."  And I was on my way.  I warmed up, downhill with my music and proceeded to jog at "my spot", which is also down hill.  I was going along, feeling great and then my left foot felt like it had a little more freedom than my right.  Sure enough my shoelace was undone.  I was almost to "my spot" where I stopped running, because it goes up a huge arse hill, so I wanted to push myself just that little bit further.  Then I heard Ken, "...be careful..."  Was this what he was talking about.  I could picture myself stepping on my shoelace, and falling down.  First thought, how the heck am I supposed to get back up?  This was a few weeks ago when I was still pretty weak in the legs.  Luckily we live in Cranbrook and this particular route the sidewalks pretty high, so as long as no one was around, I could have rolled off the sidewalk and probably landed on my feet.  The other option if I did wipe out was to get onto all fours as I have grown accustomed to, and then get my rear in the air and push myself up and pray that there, once again, no one was around to see this weird, chubby, bald chick, arse up in the air, doing who knows what at 6:50am. 

 

I decided to take Ken's advice and be careful.  I stopped and did up my shoelace and double knotted the other one.  I was successful and made it home without road rash and a hurt ego... thanks to Ken??  ;)

 

I know that was a lot to take in.  Sorry for all of it.  But I thought I should let you know how things are going.  I will post when I get my tumor marker results.  Hope all is well with you all!!  Thanks for your continuous prayers and love.  You all mean so much to us... even if we don't know you or know you very well, you are important to us in our lives. 



What's up now.

I know I don't need to apologize for my second last post, but I am sorry... it was pretty bad.  But I most certainly have my bad days.  I am "normal" in that regard.

This week, if I decide to focus on the bad, was totally filled with cancer crap.  Tuesday was a funeral for someone who passed away from cancer, Wednesday was my dr's appointment, Thursday, Ebert died of cancer (I know, silly but I swear there isn't a day that goes by!!), Friday we found out about two more young (in there 30's) that are battling with the disease again and for the first time.  Our prayers will be with them as I am sure theirs have been on our behalf.  So, honestly, I did focus on the bad a little, but I also tried to focus on the good, and the great and the blessings that I have.

I started chemo again on Wednesday.  I take 4 horse pills at 6 am.  Have to take them on an empty stomach or after a low fat meal.  So they are most effective I take them early.  Then I set my alarm and get up and eat, because I have to take my next set of chemo pills as close to 12 hours apart as I can.  Well, I don't know about you, but I don't eat at 7 and 7 , or 8 and 8.  The pharmacist said 10 hours is ok.  They are another 10 pills in total.  The same ones I have been on, but a much higher dose.  So far, so good.  I haven't really had any nausea, but I take gravol at the slightest onset because I don't want to feel sick.  I do chemo for two weeks on and one week off.  I have to be careful, just as I was before on chemo around sick people, and if I get a fever for more than an hour, I have to go to the hospital to have my counts checked for infection so I don't die of one.  We did that about 3 times last year, and every time I was fine, but you have to be so careful.

Asked the dr about scans and such, and he said we don't want to over scan.  We just wait and see if new symptoms arise and then we do a scan.  Seriously, I agree with the over scan thing, but it just seems like such a stupid way to treat cancer.  Let's just wait and see if and when it gets worse, then we'll tell you there's really nothing we can do because it's so far gone, and that's how we do it.  I hate cancer.

On the recovery front, I think I am still progressing forward.  I still, obviously, get tired very easily, I am doing the best I can with the kids to have as much patience with them as I possibly can.  Ken and the kids are my life and I need to treat them better than I treat anyone else... why is it that we are always quick to be cranky with the ones we feel we can get away with it, with?!  I have been trying to find the joy and happiness in the moments this week, and I can say that I have.  I have watched my kids with a deeper appreciation of their little selves.  And they are pretty darn cute!

We had a little situation this week, and our family is so darn lucky that I have a babysitter right now who can stay cool, calm and collected under pressure.

Mom and I were making pancakes for me and starting supper on Tuesday night.  Tuesday is our busy day of the week.  K was at dance and W and C were playing in the front yard.  I was telling Mom that I was a little nervous that C was out there under W's "care" and that they were in the front yard period.  She reassured me (so it's all her fault... KIDDING MOM!!!) that we have to let go of little things here and there and they are ok and we are right here.  She's right. 

A few moments later W is screaming his head off followed by C.  I ran to the garage where I knew they were coming in.  I honestly though C got hit by a car and I was just sick!!!!  SICK!!!!  W came rushing in, followed by C, who was holding his bloody little head.  He moved his hand and I freaked... There was a huge gaping hole in his head and you know how the head bleeds.  I came running into the kitchen, C, right behind me and I grabbed a paper towel and slapped it on his head.  W was screaming his head off and I was freaking, Mom yells, "SHUT UP!!!!"  So we did... luckily there was a voice of reason in the room!!  LOL  Seriously.  Mom scooped up C, I don't do crap like that, with hole in bodies and such... I can do blood and poo, but not stuff like that. 

We got W half calmed and outside.  He has asked if C was going to die.  Of course we told him no.  He felt so bad and I felt bad when he asked me if I was mad....  long pause, while actually thinking of the appropriate thing to say.... "No honey.  I'm not mad.  You just need to use your head."  In my head, "Of COURSE I'M MAD!  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?  WHAT WAS I THIKNING LETTING YOU TWO PLAY OUTSIDE IN THE FRONT YARD TOGETHER?!" 

Mom told me to come into the house and pull the plug on the pancakes.  Done.  I thought she asked me to grab her keys, and I thought she said they were by the cupboard.  I was looking by all the cupboards but I couldn't find them anywhere.  I grabbed our purses and ran back outside frantically told her I couldn't find the keys.  "I have them right here."  Mom said as they dangled from her hand as she held C in her arms.  "Are you ok to drive?"  "Ya."  I said, "I can't hold him like that.  I don't do that type of stuff."  Nice Mom.

On the way to the hospital, C gazed up to gramma and sweetly asked, "Gramma, am I going to die?"  We both chuckled a little and said of course not.  I know W was relieved to hear the answer yet again that his little brother would live.  Mom also remembered that we had brussel sprouts on that I forgot to turn off so we called Ken who was on his way to pick up K from dance and asked him to run home and turn them off... we didn't need a fire while we were gone too!!

We dropped Mom and C off at the doors and she got in right away.  We "checked" in and then went in with Mom and C.  They wrapped a big bandage around his head and put some topical freezing on it to get ready for the needle freezing.  Then he had some medicine and we waited a bit longer.

This is what happened.  There was a PVC pipe under our trailer outside that Ken has started to make a bow and arrow with, but it didn't work out and ended up outside sitting under there.  W grabbed it and threw it to C like a "boomerang" and he missed catching it, so the end of it clipped him in the forehead, causing previously stated wound.

Ken and K showed up at the hospital and we all decided to wait with C.  Seriously, he is one tough kid.  He ONLY cried when he first came running into the house.  Not during freezing at all, not during stitches, not at all.  W cried WAY more than he did, but he felt really, really bad. 

When they took the gauze away to start the stitching you could see C's skull.  I didn't look as you can well imagine, and I though W was going to barf and K started to cry.  I'm sure the Dr's thought we were nuts for all staying.  Whatever. 

10 stitches later the little guy, and the rest of us were ready to go.  Moments like this make me feel like I'm alive and "normal".  I know this doesn't happen every day, but it does happen, and makes my family seem normal.

I am grateful that it wasn't worse than it was.  C is doing really well and it looks like it is healing up nicely.  One of the stitches pulled out the next morning when we were changing the dressing and he didn't even flinch.  Like I said, tough little fart!

None Were with Him - I'm redeeming myself I hope!

Just like you.

Today, I am not amazing.  Honestly, I never think I am amazing.  We all just have to do what we have to do in certain situations, and surviving is not amazing... it's natural.  To be honest, I am having an awful day.  I just want to be normal.

I literally feel like my world is crumbling before me today.  I don't want to die.  Ya, that is morbid.  I think it's because I am tired and had a fun, but busy weekend.  It's a beautiful day, it's Easter Sunday, I have so many blessings, but I just feel awful.

I am maybe a little apprehensive about starting the new chemo drug... (instant tears.  I'M 32 YEARS OLD!!!  WHY AM I ON CHEMO DRUGS?  THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A YOUNG PERSON DISEASE!) 

Heard of another person's funeral who's coming up was because of cancer.  Everyone
dies of cancer... or so it seems.  Why should I have hope?  Where is my hope?  I'm sorry I am not uplifting today.  I really wish you could have seen mine and Ken's conversation on our bed after church, which I missed because I was sick.  I think it would have helped me out a lot to able to be there today, not left to my own thoughts for an hour.  My sis was here until 12:30pm so she kept my mind busy and occupied, but when she left - doom and gloom.

I sobbed uncontrollably.  Voiced all my fears.  Which never really change.  I have blogged about them all before.  Same old depressing crap.  What bad news are the next set of scans going to bring?  How much time do I really have on this earth?  How long to I have to make a lasting and meaningful impact on my children's lives?  How long do I get to be in my husbands arms?  I know we don't know.  I know none of us really know.  But at least most of you don't have to think about how you are probably going to die.  How horrible is it going to be?  How much will it hurt?  I can tell you I am sure it will be mentally horrible, that's for sure.  I just don't want to die.

I feel like everything is out of my control.  I feel like there is nothing that I can do to make anything better.  Sorry to be like this, but, these days are very real too.  I am not happy and positive all the time.  I am terrified and faithless at times, as you can see.  I worry and wonder and - just - keep - breathing.  Seriously.  That's about all I can control some times.

Things you should think about before saying...

Well, this morning, I decided that I was going to go for a walk.  I ventured out with one boobie on, and my little Dexy gut, leading the way down the hill.... yes, I started down hill, then you have to go up to get home.  I wore Ken's shirt, and hoodie, a very stylish and cute hat with matching scarf, some yoga pants and my "fugs" (fake ugs...Costco).  Eventually, I decided to "jog".  No support in the shoes, and my knees are in pretty rough shape.  I may not be moving in the morning.  Plus, I looked like an idiot.  Oh well, it was so nice to get out and get some morning fresh air and hear the birds and listen to my music.  That is how I started my day.  I won't tell you I finished it with WAY too much Easter candy or McDonald's.  That's why I am awake right now... vibrating.

I wanted to share a few things with you that I have said over the past few weeks... I am not proud.  They are kinda funny, but come out totally rude and NOT at all what I mean to actually say.  I hope I don't offend by sharing these little sentences with you.

First offence.  At my Gramma's house.  So, K's GG.  GG watched K for us while we went into Vancouver for the pinpoint radiation.  K was having her lunch and went to get up from the table.  GG quickly and abruptly replied, "Sit back down until you finish your lunch."  K's eyes got wide, she looked at me like she had never been spoken  to like that, sat back down and continued eating.  I was totally shocked!  I replied, "Wow!  Everyone NEEDS a crusty GG in their house!"  OOPS!

Second Offence.  One of my gf's came over for a visit.  I hadn't seen her in a long time, and I always love seeing her... all my friends honestly.  You have no idea how you brighten my days.  Anyways, she brought me a beautiful necklace and on it is stamped, "Fresh COURAGE take".  I LOVE IT!!!  Classy Geneva replies by saying, "See "dear friend who shall remain nameless", this is exactly the kind of crap I need!"  WHAT?  Who says that.  Not what I meant.  I meant, I love it and I need these beautiful reminders that I can do this!  Was NOT executed in that way at all.

Third Offence.  Another dear person who shall remain nameless, one morning says to me, "I'm going to run downstairs and have a quick shower."  To which I answered, "Thank you."  Ummmmmm - people actually still talk to me.  Are you surprised?  They laughed after I tried explaining myself and said, "Well, it's been a few days so maybe a thank you is in order.  Maybe I do stink."  NO, not at all!!!  Just me, trying to.... I don't even know.  But honestly, they didn't stink at all.  I felt so bad.

Fourth, and possibly the funniest and most embarrassing - for me anyways.  I asked C to get dressed the other morning.  Mom, please forgive me for sharing this story but it was funny-ish.  He brings his clothing upstairs, naked.  He get's all shy around my Mom-in-law and hides his wee willy wonka in his little hand and covers his but crack with the other.  So I say, "What's the big deal, Gramma's seen hundreds of those in her life." 

I am sure you can figure out what I meant to say... or at least what I was thinking.  My MIL has 5 boys and a billion grandsons, she has seen "wee willy wonkas" hundreds of times in her life.  THAT, my friends, is what I was trying to say.

As for updates, I am doing pretty good.  I have gone out twice this week on my own and it felt good.  I am still not comfortable being out for very long by myself, but it was nice to feel independent for a few moments.  Builds my confidence.  I will also be starting Chemo again on Tuesday.  I am not nervous, it's pill form and the same stuff I was taking before, plus a new drug that supposedly breaks the blood brain barrier, so we'll give it a try.  I am slowly coming of the Dex and I surprisingly feel ok.  I am pretty shaky, still, but I know, some of these things are going to take a while to gain ground on again.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!  I hope it's great and you are able to focus in, through all the little ones (and big ones too maybe?) excitement and rejoice in the ultimate sacrifice that was given for us, through our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I know I am thankful and abundantly blessed because of His love for me.

Again, we thank you all, and love you.

Pop one out.

Today, I made pancakes from scratch.  It took me 3!!! YES, 3 freakin' hours.  Granted I ground all my flours up with Gerty (my Bosch whom I miss dearly).  But I swear on my life, I have had at least one of my children quicker than that.  Yup, that's my post for today.  Now your not sure what to do are you?  LOVE YA!

"Do you have the faith, NOT to be healed?"

You might ask "What an odd question?  And WHY would anyone think this way?"  Well, I have wondered many times over the past few years if this is the actual "will of my Father."  I have wondered as the news that keeps on coming always seems worse than the time previous.... I have wondered as I have had to endure things that I thought I would never have to face... I have wondered as my body feels like it is growing weaker at times instead of stronger, "Will I be able to get back to health this time and truly make a difference?"  I have wondered and asked Ken what the point is. Shouldn't I just give up and give into His will.  What is the point of fighting against it if he already knows His plan for me.  Ken always says, "If the Savior or our Father in Heaven was standing right here, would they tell you to give up?  Would they tell you to quit?  Would they tell you it's fine not to try anymore?"  Well, no, I don't think they would.  And to be honest, I feel, deep down inside of me that I will have a miracle in my life.  I don't know how many years, days or hours, but I feel and have been blessed with blessings to feel that it will be longer than anyone would think.  But having said that, I have to share this talk with you.  Because I most certainly have the faith, to not be healed.

This talk was given by Elder Bednar, one of the members of our church who is an apostle of God.  He is a man of great faith and love and as heart breaking and true as his talk is, I loved it.  He councils those facing adversity to "Shrink Not".  Again, I know this is from our church, and although it and I will be talking about it from my perspective, we ALL face trials and how we deal with them, no matter what they are, I believe it's important to do our best.

“Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer,” he taught. “And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.”

I believe this with all my heart.  I know I was sent here to learn and live through the trials of my life to become ultimately what God wants me to become.  Not what I think is the best for me to be.  He has a plan for me and as heartbreaking and depressing as that plan might seem at times, I said I would take it on and do it.   

When I think of my husband and children I think, "How could me not being a part of this family possibly be the best answer for raising the family we planned to?"  "How could my children not having THEIR mother, be the best answer?"  Again, it comes down to complete faith in His plan.  And that isn't easy.  But like I said, ultimately, I want to become who he intends me to be.

He then goes on to talking about picking up one of the other Apostles one day at the airport who was also going through cancer treatments, Elder Neal A Maxwell.  Elder Bednar asked him, “During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness,” Elder Bednar stated. “I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave: ‘I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.’”

Sharing scriptures from Doctrine and Covenants 19“concerning the Savior’s suffering as He offered the infinite and eternal atoning sacrifice,” Elder Bednar reminded those listening that “the Savior did not shrink in Gethsemane or Golgotha.”





 

During difficult experiences—often filled with pain and suffering—character is built, hearts are purified, and souls are enlarged as individuals gain experience and spiritual tutoring, Elder Bednar explained. Just as Elder Maxwell faced tribulations with an understanding of God’s plan of happiness, grace, and dignity, so can all valiant Latter-day Saints, Elder Bednar assured, as they “shrink not” and allow their individual will to be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (Mosiah 15:7).
                       

And that is not easy to do.  Especially when we have our own plans in mind.  "Not shrinking" and becoming our full potential of who we really are I believe is one of our greatest triumph's here on this earth.  No, I don't believe that we are only here to learn and not have a good time, but I do believe that we are here to learn difficult lessons and endure things that will teach us who and what we really are and what we can truly become.  
 

Elder Bednar then goes on to talk about a young married couple that after just three weeks, her husband was diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer.  Elder Bednar shares some of their experiences with us through their personal journal enteries.

Elder Bednar told of visiting this couple in the hospital, being asked to give a priesthood blessing, and asking the husband an unplanned but inspired question. “If it is the will of our Heavenly Father, do you have the faith not to be healed?”




As Elder Bednar counseled with this faithful couple, they “increasingly understood” that a blessing of healing could only be received if they had the faith not to be healed and were “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them]” (Mosiah 3:19).

 

“In other words, they needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the ‘natural man’ tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve,” Elder Bednar explained. “We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted.”
 

Quite often, such is the case for most of us.  We always seem to think we know what is best for us, but don't quite have all the puzzle pieces that complete the whole picture.  And that is frustrating, heart wrenching and can cause us to become angry at times.  "Shrinking" I would call this.  But again, we are human, and I think we all "shrink" a little before we grow a lot of the time... when we see what we are really made of.
 

Elder Bednar shared the words of the young husband from his journal: “Having faith is not necessarily knowing that God would heal me, but that He could heal me. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him. As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace.”
 

I find this too in my own life.  When I just let things go and have the faith that I need in my Father in Heaven's plan for me, whatever that plan entails, I have peace.  And that peace goes so much farther for me than fear.  That is not to say that I don't feel afraid at times.  Although I try not to picture myself as a sick and dying person, those images do come to my mind and break my heart.  How would my last moments be?  Would I want my children there?  What would I say to them?  What would I say to Ken so that he and my kids know that I will love them from beyond this life, that I will be there for them, that I will always be in their hearts and be a part of them no matter what.  Would it be scary for them?  Of course I don't want them to remember me like that, but would be all just be laying on some well used hospital bed in a pale blue, depressing palliative care room, crying together and me not wanting to slip off, close my eyes and take that last breath, that last look into the eyes of my loving husband and children or would I be to sick to even know they were there?  

Like I said, I try not to think in this way. I like to picture my future, building another home, my kids as teenagers having friends over and K bugging her big brother and his cool friends while they are throwing lunch meat at one another while C is up to something somewhere doing something he probably shouldn't be.  I have to have faith and live from this point, but it is a conflicting feeling when I also have to have the the faith in His plan.
 

Elder Maxwell gave a talk in October of 1997 and I just wanted to share a portion of it with you as I find it is so true as well.  He states regarding Jesus: "As He began to feel the awful weight of the approaching Atonement, Jesus acknowledged, “For this cause came I into the world” (John 18:37). We too, brothers and sisters, came “into the world” to pass through our particularized portions of the mortal experience. Even though our experiences do not even begin to approach our Master’s, nevertheless, to undergo this mortal experience is why we too are here! Purposefully pursuing this “cause” brings ultimate meaning to our mortal lives. And we are greatly helped if we enter with faith that pavilion of perspective—the plan of salvation. Then the search for meaning is ended, even though further and resplendent discoveries await us. Alas, as Church members we sometimes behave like hurried tourists, scarcely venturing beyond the entry point.
 

Next, as we confront our own lesser trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we “might not … shrink”—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.

 

Continuing, we too may experience moments of mortal aloneness. These moments are nothing compared to what Jesus experienced. Nevertheless, since our prayers may occasionally contain some “whys,” we too may experience God’s initial silence (see Matt. 27:46).
 

Certain mortal “whys” are not really questions at all but are expressions of resentment. Other “whys” imply that the trial might be all right later on but not now, as if faith in the Lord excluded faith in His timing. Some “why me” questions, asked amid stress, would be much better as “what” questions, such as, “What is required of me now?” or, to paraphrase Moroni’s words, “If I am sufficiently humble, which personal weakness could now become a strength?” (see Ether 12:27).
 

I want to be like Moroni and ask, "Which personal weakness could now become a strength?"  BUT, I am not going to lie, sometimes I would like a few minutes to regroup and rethink and refocus.  Then again, I want to become who He wants me to be.  In quoting Elder Bednar again, I want "[My] individual will, to be swallowed up in the will of the Father."
 

Elder Bednar then instructed, “Even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirmed will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.”
 

Trusting in the Lord’s will and timing is essential, he said. “This story is both ordinary and extraordinary. This young couple is representative of millions of faithful, covenant-keeping Latter-day Saints all over the world who are pressing forward along the strait and narrow path with steadfast faith in Christ and a perfect brightness of hope.” Elder Bednar emphasized: “They were not serving in highly visible leadership positions in the Church, they were not related to General Authorities, and sometimes they had doubts and fears. In many of these aspects, their story is quite ordinary. But this young man and young woman were blessed in extraordinary ways to learn essential lessons for eternity through affliction and hardship. … They came to understand that not shrinking is more important than surviving. Thus, their experience was not primarily about living and dying; rather, it was about learning, living, and becoming.”

 

So do I have the faith not to be healed?  I think it is pretty evident that I do.  But I also have the faith that His will somewhat aligns with mine, and that I will be around for a while and be able to accomplish certain things in my life.  I very much believe in miracles, and pray for one in my own life.  I have keep living from the standpoint that I am living and  very much alive and need to be  thankful for each and every day.  And ultimately, whatever His plan is, I know it is the best plan, that was laid out for me before I choose to come to this earth... for me to reach  my full potential and become as He needs me to be.