Since I have last posted - A LOT has happened. Not so much physically, but complete and mental turmoil. This August was probably one of the worst months I have ever experienced in my entire life. The CT results really threw me for a loop, like a major head bender. And it took me the whole month to pull myself out of it. It was dark and awful. I seriously couldn't have found a glimmer of hope if it slapped me right between the eyes. Well, there were moments of joy and hope, but they were scattered throughout the day in little shards. The gloom was present most of the time.
I was not in a good place and I was sick of feeling this way. It is completely exhausting. I mean that. Literally draining. And I know it was hard on Ken to have a constant rain cloud wandering around the house.
Then my GG came to the rescue. She sent me two amazing books. One is called, "Dying to Be Me" by Anita Moorjani, and the other is "Wishes Fulfilled" by Dr. Wayne Dyre. I read Anita's book in two days. She is a stage 4 cancer survivor who had a near death experience (NDE) after cancer had ravaged her body for four years. She went into a coma and had this amazing NDE, came back from it and completely healed within 5 weeks... like cancer FREE in 5 weeks. It was a major eye opener for me.
Dr. Dyer's book is about self manifesting the things which we want. I am reading his book V.E.R.Y. slowly but I am learning so much about myself. They are both great books and like I said, came just in the nick of time. I feel like I am back on my feet again.
In the midst of these two books, I had some blood work done. A routine CBC which came back normal so I can continue on with the chemo. And then my tumor markers were done. A normal range (in Canadian Labs) is between 0 and 32. A normal range in the US is between 0-38. In April my tumor markers were at 15. I just had them done at the end of August and they were 36. Needless to say, discouragement set in quickly once again.
But, over the weekend, with the help of a very knowledgeable friend and Ken, I was honestly ok with it all. Like Ken said to me, "Maybe we have to rely less and less on the medical side of things, and more on the Lord." I still want to be in the know, but I am not letting these numbers and such get me down like they used to. I am going by how I feel. And you know what? I feel good! I feel better than I have felt in years (as I have said before). I think it is healthier for me to be in this mind frame instead of the other. I know I feel a lot happier and find a lot more moments to laugh at and cherish.
I spoke to Dr. F today on the phone. He is such an amazing man. I had asked why my makers could be up and he said it could be because of cell die off (more cancerous cells dying so there is more of them in the blood stream). I am choosing to believe this theory. After all, where is negative going to get me. No where but miserable and crazy!!
We also talked some more about what we are going to keep doing as I am in my last month of chemo. He suggested I get my thermography scan done in October or November. That way we have some more time to see what is happening in this crazy body of mine. I will probably end up seeing him in January some time again. I am not sure for how long though, maybe a week? I am going to keep on keeping on with chemo until I see him again and I am fine with that. I feel like it is my safety net. And I feel alright while being on chemo, so I don't mind continuing on with it.
He assured me that sometimes it takes a bit longer to get certain things under control and that I shouldn't worry about it. And probably for the first time in my life I am not. I just want to live and love and have fun with my family.
I am in a really good head space right now and I need that. Last month seriously just about did me in. So please be really positive around me. Don't look at me with sad eyes, or have a hint of "it's not really working" in your voice. I can pick up on it like you wouldn't believe. Just treat me like regular old Geneva. Laugh with me, joke with me and lets talk about life. I am tired of talking about cancer. I am tired of cancer consuming my thoughts on a daily basis. I am done with it. But if I need to talk about it with you, I will. ;)
