Thursday, December 22, 2011

Just another update.

Well, knock on wood, it seems that the barfs and sharts, pink eye and most coughs have left the house. Maybe because of my paranoid cleaning spree that I did on Tuesday. Washed all the bedding and door knobs, light switches and railings. I feel better... Now only if my stupid cough would go away!!!

Alright, so I have had my MRI - still awaiting results. I have a MUGA scan tomorrow morning on my heart to see if it is still holding up well so I can continue with the Herceptin shots. I have a CT in the early in the new year. That is the one that I am anxious about. I just want to know if everything still looks the same. Please pray with us that it is!!

Had my amazing feel up at the doc's. It was amazing because he said that everything felt good and it seems that I am doing well. I was SO excited when I left the hospital. You have no idea. Also found out that my hemoglobin is back up to 125 (I think it was) which is why I have WAY more energy and feel like I can actually make it up the stairs without needing a nap halfway up... or an inhaler!

Today is a good day. I am not feeling so down. I am getting excited for Christmas and spending time with my family. I think we might just get to see almost everyone this Christmas and that is a miracle!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Blue Christmas...

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I have really been struggling with fearful and sad thoughts. It doesn't help matter much that K keeps saying, "Mommy, I will really miss you when you die." Does she know something I don't? Or is she just thinking those thoughts most of us thought when we were once children?? "How could I possibly live without my Mommy and Daddy?" Or was I the only morbid child?

I am really trying to be excited about Christmas this year. It is my most favored season for so many reasons. Giving, loving, helping, hoping, being kind, smiling, hugging, laughing and of course the birth of our beautiful Savior, Jesus Christ. For me, this year seems to have lost some of that sparkle... I am more fully aware of our Heavenly Father's plan, and how blessed we are to have this plan. I know where I am going and what awaits me on the other side, but I have no strong desire to be there at all.... not for the next 60 years!

My desire is to be here with my family. To have a loving, close and growing relationship with my witty and charming husband. Be a mother and friend for my cherished little children. Watch them grow and learn and blossom. I don't want to see this from Heaven. I want to experience it on earth. Although I am certain when I meet with our Savior again I will feel nothing short of pure joy and utter peace, but I don't want to meet up with him just yet. No offence! ;) (I believe we are made in the image of God, so that being said, I know he gets my sense of humor so he wouldn't be offended by my choice.)

So as I am trying to find time to bake and clean and wrap gifts, I find myself blankly staring at my surroundings, trying to take it all in just in case it's my last. I wish I didn't have a cold so I could smell our Christmas tree and baking.... I want to keep every decoration the kids have made with tiny fingers and hands.... I want to hold my family closer than I ever have and love them more strongly than I thought possible.... I want their diarrhea to be gone so we can all feel healthy and happy, and I don't want anyone else to barf. I want to laugh and get up early on Christmas morning... I just wish it could be us, for the rest of our lives. And have all the time in the world to be together.

I am not a tard, I know that would be short lived and I would be annoyed in less than two days, but still.... sometimes it is hard as world around our family goes on and I can't help but wonder how much more family time we have. It could be years and years, it could be days, it could be months... I just wish I had more faith and could replace my feeling with it instead of fear and sadness.

So my wish for you this Christmas is that you will love your family and laugh with them. Cherish them and their weirdness and quirks. Love all that makes you a family and don't rush to be onto the next party and event. Slow down and take it all in. Enjoy this special season and all the reasons that make it so.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Oh Christmas Tree...

This year Ken decided that he wanted to get a real Christmas Tree. We have our fake one up upstairs, but thought it would be delightful to have on in the basement. It was so bare down there last year so I was in for sure. He have some great friends that are super outdoorsy so we asked them if they wanted to come. So the two families headed out yonder for a fun afternoon.

We headed up some very slippery forestry roads, luckily we have 4 wheel drive this year, and finally decided on a sunny, open (I know, weird. Wouldn't you want a heavily treed area?) spot so the kiddies could play. And play they did!!

We walked up a hill and didn't really see anything that we LOVED. So we headed back down. This is awful but so funny!! My girlfriend A is at least 11 months pregnant (jks - she thinks she is huge but I think she looks no bigger than me and I don't have a bun in my oven) and she was carrying a saw. She happened to stumble upon a little slick area and in slow motion, she went down on all fours into the fluffy snow whilst the saw did a few triple flips in the air and somehow, managed to miss the four kids, her and I, before it came to a stop in the snow.

Of course like a true and concerned friend I asked her if she was ok and if the baby was on it's way now.... and then I held her arm like she was an elderly woman until she told me she was fine and pried my fingers from her. And the entire time I was laughing. What a jerk. But it was just so funny and it was honestly in slow motion!

We didn't have that much success up the first hill so the men went up over another hill. The kids were starting to get cold and cranky so us two girls got a small fire going. We did a pretty good job. It was enough to give the kids a bit of warmth.

I had said to Ken that I wanted a pine tree. We finally saw them coming back down the hill, dragging their prized trees. Ken had picked out just what I asked for. But after I saw the M's tree I had a little envy. I think Ken was less than enthused to go back into the woods to find another tree... but him and B did. This time they took the boys and the dogs.

Ken had found a great tree... a little flat on one side but I wouldn't dare ask him to go back in and find another one... he would have left me there. We could put the flat side against the wall anyways.

I am so used to our fake tree that when I look at our real tree it looks a wee bit un-even. BUT, I smile every time I look at it. It reminds me of when I was a kid, and how much we anticipated putting it up (it was a bloody crisis to get my Dad to put it up... don't even get me started on the lights!! ;) Love you Dad) and decorating it. The kids had fun for a bit until they got frustrated that the decorations kept falling off. I had to show them how to put them down further on the branch so it could hold the weight.

I am so thankful for this beautiful season. I am thankful for Christ and his eternal sacrifice for us. I am thankful for the birth of our Beautiful Brother who is an example to me every day of how I can try to live my life better. I am thankful for our Father in Heaven who has this lovely plan for us, to return to him one day. We are so blessed to have this opportunity on this Earth. After all, I believe that we chose to come here, trials and all, to have this gift of a mortal body. To learn and live and love and grow.

My hair.

I know my face is still really round, but that is because I am chubby, not weird looking from chemo. I am excited to say that I have finally knocked off 10 pounds though and I hope to continue on the downward spiral to a healthy weight.

I must love you because I thought I would actually let you see my chubby face and my hair... not just that hair line. It is coming it really well.

I always think of the lady who I was talking to in Kelowna who said that she shaved her head at Thanksgiving and she expected it back by Christmas. She said it is thick and grows fast... well, so does mine and I only now have full coverage in the front and the back. I would love to see where she is at. Maybe it will come in quicker because she is on a different type of chemo and she wasn't on it as long as I was. My wish for her is that she will have a head full of sprouts if not more by Christmas. Oh the small pleasures of life.

One month.

I thought I would show you guys how my "burn" area is doing...

What do you think?? I think it looks a LOT better than it did before. And it only bothers me now and then by being itchy. It is never sore though. I am thankful for a quick healing body because when I was on chemo it took F.O.R.E.V.E.R. for a scratch to clear up. So I am glad that some things are restoring.

What's up doc?

Right now we are just waiting on an MRI. I have had many, many people ask, "When will you know when you're cancer free?" It's not that simple. I wish it was.

They are doing the MRI to check my right breast for a mass that was noted at my first MRI. Dr. T said it was small and we would just keep checking on it... so that's what I am waiting on.

I would pay out of pocket for another CT to check my lungs and make sure that everything is still fine on that department.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with Dr. O (I love him!! He's amazing! One of the nicest men I have ever met.) I am sure I will get the usual feel up, which honestly, I have missed. No body has touched me since I went for radiation and that just makes me a little nervous considering I had a check/feel up every three weeks before. I have been doing it myself a little but I tend to find things that aren't a big deal but totally freak me out! I will also have my blood taken and we'll find out how my hemoglobin is doing and where my counts are at. I am excited! We are all sick right now so I am sure my counts aren't stellar, but a 1,000 times better than they were on chemo.

I will be having a CT scan every six months for the next 5 years to check and see where I am at as there is a high risk of recurrence... Lovely... But at least I know that they will be on top of it and that I won't slip through the cracks. I find security in that. My dream is to get through the next 5 years and then onto the next 40! Once I make it past the 5 year mark I will relax a little I think.

Once again, I will keep you posted on what we find out for results. Please continue to pray for us!! The power of God brings even the tiniest of miracles to his beloved Children. And thank you to those of you who haven't stopped. Again, I don't know what we would have done without the power of Heaven being called on in our behalf. Thank you.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My New Fave!

I just got this today. I LOVE it. It is in pink to keep with the theme of everything, but you can't tell that from the pic. But I think it's pretty great. Ken's glad he has his own vehicle. ;)

Thanks C!! I love it. Your amazing.