Thursday, March 31, 2011

Collecting stickers.

Again, today was busy. I was at the Hospital by 8:30am to get ready for the MRI. I read and read and read, and read. I was ready, but they weren't. Apparently there was a soul who needed a little reassurance and some hand holding had to happen for that particular individual. I knew I was in good hands...

I laid in quite an awkward position for 1 hour and was told not to move. With all the noise, quite music in the headphones, and freezing cold air, I still managed to fall asleep and twitch myself awake a few times. Then I would instantly worry about if I twitched too much and they would have to do it over again. They didn't, they images apparently turned out pretty good.

After finishing up there I raced home and had some soup that my Momma made me and had a 30 minute power nap. I was completely exhausted and really needed it. When I woke up, I put on my face (as I wasn't allowed for the MRI, not even deodorant, hairspray or anything) and ran out the door for my Mammogram.

WOW! That was fun! Something that I have obviously never experienced before. First of all I went into the room and spoke with the nurse or technician. She was really sweet. Then I took my shirts off in front of her. That felt a bit odd, usually you change somewhere else into a gown and then throw caution to the wind. Not this appt! LOL While I was trying to casually talk to her she was peeling little stickers off of a sheet. A moment later they were placed on my nickles and I was ready to go.

I LOVED collecting stickers when I was a child. We used to spend hours trading them, counting them, organizing them, and buying them. These stickers are unique however. They have a bebe on the end of them so they know where your nipple is for measurement purposes, as it is hard to tell that with how the tissue shows up. Neat, I felt like a chubby Vegas show girl, who was half hanging out. (The sticker doesn't cover EVERYTHING!)
Then I was introduced to the pancake maker... It was almost like a.... I don't know what, torturous device... Not that bad actually. But it did hurt when they squished my boob with the tumor. It is still sore. But I did come out of the whole experience virtually unscathed, with a little less dignity and a few more people to add to who has seen my boobings so far. That at least made me smile. :)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Today was great!!!

Today I had a good day. Just before we were heading out, Trace stopped by with some soup! Yummmmm, I am saving that for a lazy day! Then I went with my Mom up for a hair appt. My sweet babe got his hair cut first.... seriously, cutest little fart EVER!!! Then my "getting-so-big" girl, got her hair done. My friend Kels, curled it and she looked B. E. A. U. tiful when she was done. She is going to be a cutie pie when she gets older. Mom then took the kids with her to buy some groceries and make a surprise treat for our family. While she was doing that I had got my hair did! It was awesome. It just made me feel so good after I was done.... and I love it! I came home to help Mom out for a bit and Mel was here for a visit. She brought me a beautiful basket from her and D! I am such a lucky gal. Then I called my Gramma for a few minutes to fill her in on the latest and greatest. I will fill you in in a minute. Then I had to go and get my big boy W'ya from school and go and buy him some shoes. He is getting so big! I bought him new ones when he started school and he has already grown out of them. Big fart!!! So we went to Shoe Warehouse, and then to Winners, and then back to Shoe Warehouse to pick up his fave's! Then we got him a gumball.... he was SO excited! His favorite color too! He was so happy and it made me feel happy because it felt normal. Life was normal if even for a moment. Next we hit up Paper Blossom Papercrafts to find some scrapbook paper for an idea I had. Wyatt was kind of bored, but he was a good little sport. We were there for about an hour probably - LOVE that store! And SHILO is SO nice!!!!! And very patient, I would have done some trash talking about me behind my back, that's for sure! ;) Came home, Mom was sweatin' in the kitchen, Carson was half naked and Kate was busy helping Gramma with the surprise. Little dough bunnies! I will post a pic later, they are so cute! Mom was making supper, making treats, doing dishes, helping kids.... I am very lucky! So once big brother wandered in and told everyone he got a gumball (??) we shuffled the kids down stairs to play for a bit. We, well honestly, mostly Mom, finished up supper and got everyone organized. Ken came home, we ate, bathed the kids, cleaned up and put the kids to bed. It was so normal. Ken left for a church meeting, and Mom made about 10 little freezer meals for me while I did up my creation. We cleaned up, Ken came home and they are currently visiting while I rudely blog... (sorry guys, I am listening about Dad taking a dump, or Dad being in the dumps, can't quite remember, something along that line) hehehehehe... OK, what's new today... Tomorrow morning I am going for an MRI and should be there for about 2 hours. I am taking a good book. Then I will come home, help out Mom and then I am back to the hospital for a Mammogram, riveting! So excited... I will probably be there for and hour and a half. Then I will come home and set my Mommy free to go home and make sure my Dad is still alive and kicking, or twitching, or something! So I will update you again tomorrow. Have a good sleep, I know I will tonight. (Thank you Ativan, we are kind of close right now, but we won't be friends forever, that's for sure.)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Rough start.

The last few days I have been in a bit of a slump. I have been feeling a little sorry for myself and kinda sad. I don't look forward to the night because the kids are in bed, it's quiet and there aren't anymore distractions. That also makes it hard to sleep, my mind races, wanders and is a complete mess.

Yesterday I went to the clinic for some blood work and a chest x-ray, when I got out of the SUV I could hear the birds and it made my heart warm. It made me think about how delicate this life really is... it made me thankful that I got to hear the birds, look at my children, laugh with my Mom, talk to my sister and have my man hold me like he would never let me go.

On a lighter note, I thought I would post an half boobie pic of my "de bop, de, de bios, de bubopsy". (Love my Big Fat Greek Wedding) It doesn't look too bad, but it hurt a lot more than I had expected. The bigger of the two bruises is the actual cancerous spot. The small one, is by my armpit, and that is the lymph node they checked.

Fun Fact - How many people have seen my boob(s): As of today 5

I am sure that number is going to get pretty high... any guesses???

There may be a prize if you get close, like guessing the number of jelly beans in a bottle at a baby shower. I will keep that in mind. ;)

So today I was also pretty miserable. The doctors office finally called and set me up with an appointment with the surgeon. I saw him at 3:30pm. We talked about a lot of things like lumpectomies, mastectomies, the survival rate of having either, which one would be higher. Turns out they have the same survival rate. If the cancer comes back after having had a lumpectomy, then they can do a mastectomy. If the cancer comes back after having had a mastectomy, which is possible however lower than the lumpectomy, then it isn't usually good news. It usually means that it is a secondary site and the cancer is somewhere else like your lungs, bones etc. At which point they can't do much.

So Ken and I are thinking that we will take the risk of it coming back at this point by doing the lumpectomy. That sounds like we are being kind of foolish maybe, but I don't think either one is a bad decision. If I did do a mastectomy I wouldn't have to do radiation, but I am not sure I can make that decision yet. If my breast is pretty gnarly looking after the lumpectomy and after I have done radiation and chemo, then we will think about reconstruction. But for now, I am pretty sure we have made our decision.

So in the next week and a bit, I will have a double mammogram, and an MRI. The MRI will be able to tell us what the actual size of the lump is and tell us if there are more lumps that were undetectable by the ultrasound or the mammo. Then I will have surgery next Friday. After surgery they will be able to let us know what kind of cancer it is, what stage we are in and such. The doctor said is was called an Infiltrating Carcinoma. And it is poorly differentiated, meaning that the cells no longer look like breast tissue cells, the are completely unrecognizable (for those of us who had no idea of what that was).

It will take a few weeks to fully recover from the surgery, which is just a day surgery (no biggy I am assuming lol) and then 4-8 weeks after that I will start radiation. That will be anywhere from 4-6 weeks, 5 days a week with the weekends off. I don't know if I have all of my info correct, but I think I am giving you guys the gist of it. After radiation I will start Chemo. But the process of everything is up to the Oncologist, so things still aren't set in stone. And if you know me, you know I am a planner, and am quite organized, so this "unknown" is hard for me.

Anyways, enough rambling on and on. I just wanted to keep you up to date about what was happening. Again I thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers. We feel really blessed. I will leave a post again soon! Love to you all.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Better or Worse

I feel like today I am doing a bit better. It seems a bit more real, and I can deal with it better today. Having said that, I think today is harder for Ken. He seems quiet, and lost in his own thoughts. He told me that today he is angry... I am sure I will get there at points of this too! Wouldn't all of us? Maybe I am calm-ish because nothing has happened yet.

I find it odd that I will be in surgery within "two to three weeks". I have a cancerous mass in my boob and we are just going to let it stay comfy for a little while longer??? I would take it out now if I was good at that, but I have just scraped the surface with working with cakes, so I don't think I should try and do a lumpectomy... would probably end up a 1/2 mastectomy.

I have to honestly thank all of you who have emailed us, sent your love to our family, brought us food, flowers, notes etc. They all mean so much. And to those of you who have included us in your prayers, that means the absolute world to us. As simple as it seems to do, I often find when we are praying for a family or a specific individual, we do it a couple of times and then forget. But, usually one of us will remember or the kids will ask how so-in-so is doing, and we start right back up with our prayers. I even think a thought about a person counts as well.... Just thinking of someone is special.

Today I was thinking of all the things I am thankful for. My kids laughing their heads off because they swapped each others jammies and then put their underwear on over the pj bottoms. I love the 55 kisses that Kate comes to give me and ask me how I am doing. I love how Cars runs around here screaming his head off when he doesn't get his own way, reminding me that life is still normal.

When we were heading to Spokane the other day he was so good in the back seat. He was pretty quiet, and seemed patient. When we were by Liberty Lake he pipes up and says, "Agh.... Thish ith taking FOREVER!" Ken and I laughed and I said, "What did you say?" He said, "Ith's taking like an hour!" I said, "Oh Cars, your such a fart." To which he replied, "Mommy, your a bunth of farths." Again we laughed. Kids, gotta love 'em.

On that note, I better help Ken get the kids ready for bed. I don't want to abuse all of his help and patience by doing my thing all the time and using it as an accuse, especially when I still oddly feel like me.
The reason I live...

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Honest Truth

In just one year, I turned 30 years old!!!! I thought I would never get that "old''. Ran a half marathon in a freakin' blizzard, fell more in love with cake decorating and tried lots of new ideas. I hiked a HUGE mountain, survived and think I will do it again. We moved. Went on a few trips. Flew in my first airplane. Watched my family grow and change. Love the man in my life as much as I could every minute. And found out I have breast cancer. I am still in shock with it all. And I don't really know how to process it right at the moment. It seems that when we talk to the doctor that it isn't real, and the things that are going to happen aren't real either. I know that it will become very real. And I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. I know I have to, but afraid that I might not do as well as I want to. I HATE barf, and barfing. That was my biggest fear. Not that I had cancer, but that I would be barfing, and barfing, and barfing. Maybe I will be lucky and I won't have too.... I have great faith. So I decided to blog about my journey through this process. It will keep you informed of what is going on and let me talk about how I am feeling. It might be harsh at times, and not the funnest thing to read. But it will be real, and I want you to know how I am doing. Even when I don't tell you to your face. To bring you up to speed on what I know and what will be happening. I am going to be seeing the surgeon either Monday or Tuesday at the latest. We will talk about stuff I am assuming. LOL I don't know what, but I am sure I will want to have my best listening ears on that day. He will do a lumpectomy, and then they will take some lymph nodes as well to test them also. I am not looking forward to surgery, because sometimes.... you barf. See a theme here!? ;) About 4-6 weeks after the surgery, I will start Chemo. My doctor said that because of my age and because I can handle it they will be treating me with the maximum dose of chemo that they can. I will most likely loose my hair. That stresses me. I will probably be on Chemo for about 6 months. (insert lame flag raising into the air) Yay summer! (followed by a pathetic wave). OK the hair thing has me freaked. It has been the thing that I hide behind, that I twirl to calm me down, that I have been growing out for 3 years, that I honestly love. It makes me feel beautiful and I am sad to see it go. I know that everything that will be happening is most certainly for the best.... but it's hard to swallow. I know that I will make it. I know that I am strong enough. I know that my Heavenly Father and Savior are with me every single step of the way, and that makes me feel better. When I am alone and scared, they will be there with me. And I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me these past few days of tears, jokes and laughter. And I know he will be here through it all. He is my strength, my love and my joy. I am the luckiest girl in the world.... the luckiest. So anyways. I will keep you posted through here with pics and thoughts. I think it will be easier than FB! LOL Sorry if you think the pics are gross, but what ever, that's life right now. And honestly, we are all curious as to what is happening and what it all looks like. You may not be, but I know I certainly am when it comes to others! :)