Thursday, May 16, 2013

I love my husband!

I should have written this yesterday when I was feeling more inspired and less hopeless and sad... broken hearted.

My tumor markers came back today and they have doubled yet again.  I am now up to 297.  So I am completely defeated right now.  Even though we have been told not to put too much weight on them, but the doctor did tell us last time that the way that mine have been going up is a good indication of progression.  Can you guess why I'm a tad bit discouraged?

Anyways, I have not been feeling all that optimistic and joyful the past few weeks... quite sad actually.  I was crying to Ken the other night, saying that "I can't do this anymore".  I'm just so sad.  I look at my husband and want to cry, I look at my kids and want to cry, I think of my parents and all the rest of my family and I want to cry.  You would swear I would be thinner because I cry out all my bodies liquid each day.

Ken, I mean this in all seriousness, in his infinite wisdom said to me (I love this man, with all my heart and more.  I am thankful for eternal families is all I can say.) three different things.

1.  I am always saying "sorry" that I brought this on our family.  Well, there will be no argument as to the answer every single time I utter this word, whether from Ken or another family member, or friend, "Don't be silly.  You didn't pick this and this is NOT your fault."  Of course I apologized.  Ken said to me, "Babe, you chose to come to earth to do this.  I also chose to come to earth, and marry you.  And our children chose to come to our family.  So we all knew what we were doing when we became a family."

It made me feel a little better knowing that we all said we could do this.  Not much... but a little.

2.  Ken again said, "Do you remember when we were watching a movie and K was snuggled up to me and said, 'Daddy, I don't like this part, it's scary.  How does it end?' to which I replied, 'K. I know you are afraid, but just wait, you'll see sweetie, it all works out in the end.'  Geneva, don't you think that is exactly how it is with our Father in Heaven... we say to Him, "Dad.  I'm afraid right now.  I don't like this part.  How does it end?'  To which He would say to us, 'Sweetie, I know your afraid, but just wait, you'll see in the end, it all works out.'"  (Now, I wanted to be an English Major after I graduated, but I have no freakin' idea where all those " marks are supposed to go.  But Ken said all that... just so you are clear)  Of course I bawled.

3.  And of course the dreaded conversation about "moving on".  It happens.  It's supposed to.  But that sure doesn't make it easy.  I keep feeling like I will be replaced by someone better than me and that Ken will love her far more than he ever loved me.  I know this is not true.  And their love would be different.

But he explained it to me in the following way.  He said what if I married _____? (Like one of my best friends.)  We are not going to name names here.  But I really love this person with all my heart.  All I could think of is how it would be an honor for her to be the mother to my children.  It really changed the whole perspective of  the entire situation.

Again having said that, I want to be the one holding my husbands hand when we are out.  I want to be the one snuggled into the warm small of his back while we sleep.  I want to kiss him goodnight.  I want to be the one to make him laugh and I want him to hold me when he needs a "pick me up".  I will always want this, no matter what happens, but I also realize that I may have to step aside and let someone else help out for a while.  (again all of this applies to my babies too)  But that does break my heart.

Yesterday we had a heart and gut wrenching conversation about reality.  I know it won't be the last.  But it was one of the hardest things we've ever had to do in our lives.  It was so raw but to tender at moments too.  I honestly can't picture myself and my family without me in it.  It just doesn't seem like a real possibility and I kept saying to Ken that "I can't do this!"

Needless to say right now I feel mentally and spiritually dead... or completely drained.  I physically don't feel all that great but I can't complain.  I have a wheeze in my chest right now but we have been assured over the weeks that my lungs sound clear and good and the DR yesterday said, "I can't hear anything.  I don't hear a wheeze."  Ken said "Well I don't know how you can't because I can hear it."

I am heading in for another MRI because there are some signs of neurological problems with my eyes.  I truly can't even fathom jumping right back into what we just finished and are still healing from to do it all over again.  I look at my family and think I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.  But at the same time, my heart is so heavy and has had it fare share of heartbreak.  If you have anything positive to say, please feel free to email me or fb me or leave a message here.  Thank you for all of your love and support.  I am not stupid to the fact that 1,000's of people are praying for us so if this was really supposed to turn around, I think it would have already.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

My Mother's Day

I was reading a post on FB this morning and I loved what this momma said.  It is Ken's cousin and they lost a precious baby boy a few years ago.  She had said that for her, Mother's Day is bitter sweet, but that she would focus on the sweet.  So I am choosing to do that too and I have to thank you SP for giving me insight to do the same.  You changed my whole day.  Thank you!

We actually did "Mother's Day" yesterday, which was fine with me.  W and K came rushing into the bedroom with their treasures that they had made for me.  It was so sweet and C was wrapped right up in the excitement - even though the poor little fart didn't know what was going on.

K was the first to give me her gift.  It was a list of the top 10 reasons why my mom is special. Of course it opened the flood gates, especially with the comment that "She fixes my brokin hart." (All i's dotted with hearts.  If they only knew what they did for my broken heart every single day.

She also made me a picture of her, at school, on a piece of wood that said, "Mom.  You captured my heart."  Also a treasure to  me that found the perfect place beside my side of the bed.

My beautiful girl.

W was next, already watching me to see if I was still crying... I cry so much, but I really try not to let them see me when I am in a full blown "what if" cry, that's not fair to them, but they have seen it, so he was watching me closely.  "Mom, why are you crying?" he asked.  "Just because I love you guys so much and you are so very special to me," I replied.

He eagerly handed over his treasures to me.  A beautiful card that made us laugh and cry and a cookie bouquet that he had made in his class at school.  The cookies were iced and said, "I love you Mom."  Again, tear jerker.  I think I kind of broke his heart when I told him that I couldn't eat them all because it was "too much sugar".  He understood.  I did have a bit of one and told him how good it was.  And I was going to offer the kids one but he asked that I didn't and that we save it as a decoration.  I agreed.

W's card for me... we love it!
The flap part and the reason why we chuckled.  For those of you who may not have seen the back of my head, that is exactly what it looks like!  Kids are so honest and just "draw it" like it is.
C felt completely lost in the whole situation but knew that they were giving Mommy stuff, she was hugging W and K and crying so he better get to it and make something for Mommy too.  He darted out of the bedroom for a few minutes and came back in just as I was drying my eyes for the second time.

His beautiful hazel eyes were shining along with his smile as he handed me my gift.  It was Christmas card that was left over and he had put masking tape over the right hand side.  Inside was another card, a cute card that was blank on the inside.  He told me he wrote in it, "This is not from W and K.  TTYL XOX," from a song that often plays on RadioDisney.  Again, the tears came along with a huge hug and then the laughter as we chuckled over his choice of message to me.

C's card for me.  Love that crazy kid!!  Have to.... I'll tell you why in a minute.

My "treasures".

Being as yesterday we did MD, I got to sleep in.  I finally got in the shower around 11am.  As I was getting out I head a commotion in the kitchen.  Something about spray paint and the SUV.  Couldn't be!!  That would not happen in my house. 

Well.  I was DEAD wrong!!!  C had been dabbling a little bit art work done by spray paint for the past few days in the garage.  Ken had left it out since Christmas.  The kids had a spring concert at school and W needed a "wild" shirt so Ken ripped one of his old ones and put a little spray paint on it.  That is where C learned that this color comes out of the cans if you press a button.  The first few days he just tried it on the floor.  And we could smell spray pain in the garage so I decided it would be best to put the cans up and out of reach - not like that would really stop my C.

This particular morning, he decided that his "canvas" would be our SUV.  All I could do was laugh.... Ken, not so much, but he was so good and calm with C.  He did yell a little and then put him in his room "for the rest of the day".  C was worried about starving to death and where he could go to the bathroom.

This is his master piece.

After researching on the internet where the best place to sell you child is - I'M KIDDING!  But seriously, Ken found out non-acetone nail polish remover would work.  He went out and got some and it worked like a charm.  Took it all off.

This morning C kissed K's white duvet with wretched Barbie lipstick on.  That stuff stains faces let alone bedding.  We weren't as successful at getting that out.  Anyways, it was a great weekend and I am so thankful for my husband and my kids.  AND I am excited for next year, when C is prepared and I get more treasures from my babes.

I hope your Mother's Day was great!!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Why we kept quiet.

As some of you have seen I posted a video on my FB page that my sister did up, I will hopefully be smart enough to get it onto here, but if not, she is burning it to a disk and will send it with my parents and I can upload it then.  (Yes, asked for Ken's computer genius mind to do the video for me, but he said I had to get it from my Sis.  So I'll put it on here later.)

Many, many special people have been doing two different fundraisers for our family.  I have wanted to write about it many times, but I didn't want it to seem like we were asking for donations as people have already given us so much.  I am even hesitant to do it now, but I just love the video that my sis made for us and it is perfect so I want to share it with you.  We are not doing this so that you feel you have to give... please just keep praying for us, that is enough.  And to those who have been able to give towards our trip and such, thank you SO much, you have no idea how much this means to our little family.

These two girls have spear-headed another fundraiser that is going on.  Meet the beautiful Ricki.  She has not shaved her head in this pic for me, but she has donated her hair many for cancer.  Isn't she beautiful?!

This is Ricki and Kaylee together.

And meet Kaylee (and her beautiful little daughter... I did ask if I could put her cute mug on here so I don't get into trouble).  YES!!!  That is Kaylee's real hair and she too has donated her hair many times for wigs as well.


To those of you whom we don't even know, thank you.  Thank you., thank you.  To those of you who spent your time to put this together, thank you so very much.  To those of you who are involved in the other fundraiser that isn't on this video, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

You are all so special and we pray for you and your families every night.... luckily the Lord knows who you all are because we don't, but are so thankful for you and your prayers.