I should have written this yesterday when I was feeling more inspired and less hopeless and sad... broken hearted.
My tumor markers came back today and they have doubled yet again. I am now up to 297. So I am completely defeated right now. Even though we have been told not to put too much weight on them, but the doctor did tell us last time that the way that mine have been going up is a good indication of progression. Can you guess why I'm a tad bit discouraged?
Anyways, I have not been feeling all that optimistic and joyful the past few weeks... quite sad actually. I was crying to Ken the other night, saying that "I can't do this anymore". I'm just so sad. I look at my husband and want to cry, I look at my kids and want to cry, I think of my parents and all the rest of my family and I want to cry. You would swear I would be thinner because I cry out all my bodies liquid each day.
Ken, I mean this in all seriousness, in his infinite wisdom said to me (I love this man, with all my heart and more. I am thankful for eternal families is all I can say.) three different things.
1. I am always saying "sorry" that I brought this on our family. Well, there will be no argument as to the answer every single time I utter this word, whether from Ken or another family member, or friend, "Don't be silly. You didn't pick this and this is NOT your fault." Of course I apologized. Ken said to me, "Babe, you chose to come to earth to do this. I also chose to come to earth, and marry you. And our children chose to come to our family. So we all knew what we were doing when we became a family."
It made me feel a little better knowing that we all said we could do this. Not much... but a little.
2. Ken again said, "Do you remember when we were watching a movie and K was snuggled up to me and said, 'Daddy, I don't like this part, it's scary. How does it end?' to which I replied, 'K. I know you are afraid, but just wait, you'll see sweetie, it all works out in the end.' Geneva, don't you think that is exactly how it is with our Father in Heaven... we say to Him, "Dad. I'm afraid right now. I don't like this part. How does it end?' To which He would say to us, 'Sweetie, I know your afraid, but just wait, you'll see in the end, it all works out.'" (Now, I wanted to be an English Major after I graduated, but I have no freakin' idea where all those " marks are supposed to go. But Ken said all that... just so you are clear) Of course I bawled.
3. And of course the dreaded conversation about "moving on". It happens. It's supposed to. But that sure doesn't make it easy. I keep feeling like I will be replaced by someone better than me and that Ken will love her far more than he ever loved me. I know this is not true. And their love would be different.
But he explained it to me in the following way. He said what if I married _____? (Like one of my best friends.) We are not going to name names here. But I really love this person with all my heart. All I could think of is how it would be an honor for her to be the mother to my children. It really changed the whole perspective of the entire situation.
Again having said that, I want to be the one holding my husbands hand when we are out. I want to be the one snuggled into the warm small of his back while we sleep. I want to kiss him goodnight. I want to be the one to make him laugh and I want him to hold me when he needs a "pick me up". I will always want this, no matter what happens, but I also realize that I may have to step aside and let someone else help out for a while. (again all of this applies to my babies too) But that does break my heart.
Yesterday we had a heart and gut wrenching conversation about reality. I know it won't be the last. But it was one of the hardest things we've ever had to do in our lives. It was so raw but to tender at moments too. I honestly can't picture myself and my family without me in it. It just doesn't seem like a real possibility and I kept saying to Ken that "I can't do this!"
Needless to say right now I feel mentally and spiritually dead... or completely drained. I physically don't feel all that great but I can't complain. I have a wheeze in my chest right now but we have been assured over the weeks that my lungs sound clear and good and the DR yesterday said, "I can't hear anything. I don't hear a wheeze." Ken said "Well I don't know how you can't because I can hear it."
I am heading in for another MRI because there are some signs of neurological problems with my eyes. I truly can't even fathom jumping right back into what we just finished and are still healing from to do it all over again. I look at my family and think I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. But at the same time, my heart is so heavy and has had it fare share of heartbreak. If you have anything positive to say, please feel free to email me or fb me or leave a message here. Thank you for all of your love and support. I am not stupid to the fact that 1,000's of people are praying for us so if this was really supposed to turn around, I think it would have already.