Sunday, April 29, 2012

An amazing weekend.

I decided on Friday morning that I wasn't going to worry about treatments or where to get them done.  I wasn't going to worry for a whole 72 hours if I would live or die one day... Duh.  Stupid thing to wonder!  I was going to have a wonderful weekend with my family, enjoy my most handsome big boy and laugh and love.  It was great.

Have you heard of Minecraft? 
All we ate of this cake was the two feet!!

Our family tradition!




I am not sure how these pictures are going to post... probably all over the place because I can't figure out Blogger to save my life!!  I tried not to get any pic's of the kids that were there because I don't want parents upset.  But he had so much fun with his little guy friends from school.  It was so fun to watch them interact and be goofy.  I can't wait until they are teenagers and are hanging out at our home, laughing, making a mess and being gross.  And I can't wait to see lil sis being silly around the "boys" and little bro acting slightly annoying.  I know most of you probably think, "Don't wish this time to go fast."  But I just want to be there for it.  I am not wishing it away, I am just wishing to be a part of it.

A few of my faves.

I  thought I would share with you a few of my favorite documentaries.  I do understand that you can find information to support any side you are trying to argue.  I am sure there is even some small evidence that if you ate chocolate covered horse crap you would live to be 200!  Luckily I haven't researched that one... yet...  But regardless, I loved these documentaries.  They have changed my life.  So if you are bored on a rainy day and want to turn into a conspiracy theorist, take a look.  They will amaze you!  I mean it.  Even my husband who isn't big on buying peoples free bull crap, likes them.

The one that really changed my life... The Beautiful Truth.

The next one will make you sick!!  Food Inc.  I can't find the full movie for you but we watched it on Netflix.  It is absolutely shocking!!  But again, I loved it.

Another one that we most recently watched but was amazing was The Burzynski Movie.  It is equally shocking in the BS factor that we are constantly fed.  AND he has FDA approval on 25 of his antineoplastin's and has still been stabbed in the back by them.

If you get some time, let me know what you think!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Ecuador. Yay or nay...

I don't want to annoy any of you, but Ken and I have seriously been considering ALL of our options. It seems that there are so many and trying to pick the right one is proving to be more difficult than I had ever expected.

I am just no 100% sure that Ecuador is the best decision anymore. Maybe it's because I have listened to others voice their opinions about going here. Maybe I have had too much time to think. Maybe I am just scared to travel so very far, spend $25,000 on a treatment (I don't want to have to live in my parents house forever, especially when they move here. At the same time, will I even be alive to have my own home ever again? Guess today is a bit of a down day. Have you ever been on a terrifying roller coaster?? This is what it is like, but worse.)... Maybe I am confused for a reason. I feel a lot of pressure, mostly from myself and my brain is literally starting to hurt with making up our minds.

I just don't want anyone to think that we are flaky. I want you to know that this is the hardest decision I have EVER had to make in my ENTIRE life. Trust me when I say, I want to make sure that I make the right choice, the best decision, and pick a therapy that has the best outcome - for my family and myself. It's not that I don't want peoples opinion's but I just want them to understand how difficult this is. I have asked a lot of family and friends what they would do. The response is usually the same, and they don't in any way envy the situation I am in and they truly feel that this is only a decision I can make. I just with someone would make it for me. Anyone have a crystal ball?? KIDDING!!

I am sure Ken is exhausted with me asking him every 5 minutes to call another clinic and see what they have to say. He has other things to worry about other than making this choice.

I have spent hours and hours researching, reading and talking with various people. I do feel that I can make a good informed decision, but it's not coming easy. Again, sorry about this post, it is all over the place.

You know what I want. I want to be excited that my baby boy's turning 8 tomorrow! I don't want to think of any of this. I don't want to be thinking of where I should go, has it already spread further, will it be too late by the time I actually make a decision. Will I be here when he turns 9? I don't want this shadow of thought to be in my way, lurking around every corner I turn. I don't think the rain is helping me... I need a shower, some sun and some birds.

I will share with you the other clinics that I am looking into. I don't know if you want to take a look at them and maybe tell me what you think. This one is in Fort Langley - CANADA!!!! He is a board certified naturopathic oncologist. I have read the benefits of many of his treatments.

This one is one in Reno Nevada. It will cost us $30,000 or more. He is a board certified oncologist and a board certified naturopathic doctor. He does use small doses of chemo if necessary, but only 1/10th of the amount so there are little to no side effects. I should mention that is only if I would say yes to it. But he knows the ins and outs of both sides. I think that is so very important.

And then of course there is still Ecuador I still feel that this option will be a good one... There are so many things to consider.

Anyways, like I have said before, please read Suzanne Somers Book "Knockout Interviews With Doctors Who Are Curing Cancer And How To Prevent Getting It In The First Place." You never know who's life you can help, and although I pray that you never have to go through this, if you do, at least you can make an informed decision about what is best for you. Thanks for letting me bounce ideas off of you from all directions. Sometimes it helps to get it all out and re-evaluate.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

So far so good!

Sorry this is all coming up in one HUGE paragraph!! I hate that and it drives me crazy, but I don't know how to fix it. And spell check wasn't working so now you can see how dumb I really am!! Today... is a great day! I know it is only 9:13am but I am 100% sure is it because of the sweet prayer my little W offered this morning before we all went our own ways. Today, I feel like the world is mine and I've got this. I feel great! I started my morning with a run/walk with a group of girlies. And I love doing that. It is cheap therapy, it's fun, we get to chat our faces off (well, currently I am more of a listener because I can't quite run and talk the whole time like I used to), I start my day off with a beautiful dose of nature and fresh air and I am up and at it before the kids and Ken. Like I said, I love it!

I have been thinking of some questions that I am often asked so I thought I would give you the answer to them. One question is "Were there any symptoms or signs that you had cancer before you found the lump?" Looking back, yes, there sure was. First of all you need to think of how you feel NORMALLY. What is your normal? For me, I was a runner and very active. I found myself tired and needing a nap everyday and still feeling tired. But I pushed myself to keep going as best I could. I started to slow down, gained some weight and then I just thought I was depressed. I am already on an antidepressant so I went to the doc and had my dose upped so see it that would help. It didn't. I felt tired all the time, I felt depressed because I was tired and because I gained weight. THAT was not my normal. I have had three babies and I know what tired feels like. But it was different than the baby-waking-up-all-night-long tired that I was used to. So, like I said, know your normal. NEVER be afraid to talk to you doctor. I am typically not the type to go to the doctor unless I have a mildly serious problem that I can't fix myself, so being tired just seemed like a stupid thing to talk about. It isn't. And ask to get some blood work donw if you aren't feeling so "normal". All the doctors are going to hate me now for sharing this info with you. But if you don't feel right, you are the only one who knows your body like you do and you need to listen to it!! We only get one!

Next question I get asked ALL the time "Aren't you so excited to get your boobs done?" "Is it free?" No and yes. No. I am not excited. I would have prefered to have had my trusty old rack that, when thin, hung down like a deflated baloon with a jubie on the bottom. It was easier. And you know what, getting my "rack" done is the farthest thing from my mind. I just want to live the next 5 years. That is far more important to me. And yes, it's free. But not cool!

Another question I get is "You lost all of your finger and toe nails??" Yes my friend, all 20. It sucked too! "Are you afraid?" Yes and no. I have said to a few people, "We are good at cancer." However, I would choose not to be, but such it my lot in life. Right now with some of the uncertainty, I think it is about a 50 50 split between my afraid days and my good days. Being afraid though just sucks you in deeper and deeper so I don't really like to feel afraid. I like to be distracted by husband, kids, family, friends and the dirt bike that Ken bought me for MY birthday... ya right it isn't a bowling ball gift. But I do think it is kinda fun! And I have really been doing well with eating vegitarian and vegan. I am trying to eat mostly vegan, but I just LOVE cheese. So I have been busy finding new recipies that our family will eat and enjoy. So far so good, not many compalints at all!! So that has been a great distraction.

I was going through our budget yesterday and I saw that Ken had spent $4.50 out at work for his lunch, even though he took a banana, apple and a while cucumber?? Weird, I know. I asked him what he ordered. He looked at my funny and smirked and said he didn't eat out there. I may have some chemo slowness, but I am not a complete idiot! He smiled and said "Well, we didn't have anything for lunch." Which I argued that he could order a salad. Then he fessed up telling me of his fine meat selection. A hot dog, with cheese and bacon on it. Wow. Really. He went all out. I guess I better figure out some lunches for him. "Do you love your hair??" Or "It is so cute! Do you like it?" On the silver lining note, yes, I have hair so I am thankful. Do I love it. NO. I miss my hair, my long beautiful, old hair. I am seriously not trying to be rude, but most of the "cute" comments I get are from more mature women and my hair looks just like theirs. It looks good when you are mature, but I am young and I want my length back. But thank you for the compliments. It really is better than bald! And warmer too.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What's New?

Well we aren't really any further ahead right now. I finally have my PET scan booked for Monday, so at least that is coming along. We have made our decision to go down to Ecuador so now we are busy trying to get all things organized before we go. We need to get on top of our flights, I need to renew passports (not leaving myself much time!!), get things organized for the kids from a school aspect... I just feel like there is so much to do and I am not a world traveller, so I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

We DID get the kids shots done. That went over really, really well... We were waiting at the clinic and W was asking if the medicine was going to taste gross. Did I mention that we didn't tell them what exactly was going to happen to them?? ;) Well, when it was finally our turn, Ken asked who wanted to go first and W shot up his hand. So in he went. K, C,the two ladies that were working there and myself kept talking and then W started to scream and cry. Poor little guys, he hates needles. So I kept trying to talk louder to mask it out, and the kids looked at me with the terrifying look in their eyes, "Mommy!! What is going on in there??!!" I felt so bad and tried to reassure them that it was fine. It wasn't working. C went next and he did really well and then K went and she did just fine as well. Next time maybe we will start youngest to oldest. Nice Mom hey!!

On a depressing side note, I can't help but think of how normal I feel and I wonder how long I will feel this way. I hope and pray it is for many, many years to come. I feel like me when I wake up, I feel like me when I am making lunches, I feel like me when I eat supper. I feel like me when I pick up my kids, kiss their cheeks, hold my husbands hand go for a drive as a family. I feel like me when I get upset or short with the kids - um yeah, they are kids and they still drive me crazy! I feel like me when I read them a story, take their picture to capture a precious moment in time or pin up one of the masterpieces on their cork boards. I feel like me when I go throughout my day.

I can't imagin not feeling like me. Not having any more strength to fight, not wanting to eat, not wanting to play, not wanting to live... It is a sick and sad picture that one. And I pray that it will never happen that way.

It is so weird to have your mortality presented to you in statistics and time. It is not fair but we all know that life isn't. So I guess we just have to make the most of our time... make it the best time. Make now count. The only time that we are garunteed is this exact moment that we are living and breathing, and we need to be thankful for that.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Are ya'll ready for this??

I hope you are ready for an earful!! I have a LOT to say. You might not agree with me, but I can't help that.

Ok... I spent most of yesterday with various Dr's. I spoke to the Dr at the oncology unit here and it went mostly like this.

It is still very small. You shouldn't even really know that it is there yet anyways. To this Ken said, "Ya, well it grew a cm in the past three months." The reply was that he agreed and it is growing quickly... anyone else confused?? I don't know, those first few sentences just don't make any sense to me. They are kind of - searching for word - searching for word - in conflict.

I asked if I could have a PET scan. Here is the definition: "What is Positron Emission Tomography – Computed Tomography (PET/CT) Scanning?

Sample image obtained using a combination of PET and CT imaging technology.
Positron emission tomography, also called PET imaging or a PET scan, is a type of nuclear medicine imaging.

Nuclear medicine is a branch of medical imaging that uses small amounts of radioactive material to diagnose and determine the severity of or treat a variety of diseases, including many types of cancers, heart disease, gastrointestinal, endocrine, neurological disorders and other abnormalities within the body. Because nuclear medicine procedures are able to pinpoint molecular activity within the body, they offer the potential to identify disease in its earliest stages as well as a patient’s immediate response to therapeutic interventions.

Nuclear medicine, or radionuclide, diagnostic imaging procedures are noninvasive and, with the exception of intravenous injections, are usually painless medical tests that help physicians diagnose and evaluate medical conditions. These imaging scans use radioactive materials called radiopharmaceuticals or radiotracers."

So essentially, if you have a problem area, like a cancerous growth, it lights up in the scan.

What this can do is detect problem areas WITHOUT a biopsy. I know that there are going to be a lot of people who disagree with me, know that I am uneducated and I don't really know what I am talking about. But, I can't ignore my gut feelings anymore. After all, were we not given the gift of the Holy Ghost to help us to discern right from wrong... what is best for us and what would not be a great idea?

Our Father in Heaven has blessed us with this power. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that when I am righteous, I have his power with me and I am able to make decisions that are comforting and right for me and my family.

Back to the PET scan. The only method that was offered to me was a biopsy. I have done way to much reading, whether it is "credited" by some or not, to believe that this is the best option. I believe that there are other ways of doing things in this life. I am so thankful that I talked to my Auntie K yesterday. She pointed me in this direction. She has gone through bowel cancer and is still being monitored at this point. She told me about the PET scan. I can't thank her enough.

So my Dad did some research yesterday on what the PET scan can do. I was told yesterday at the hospital that it may or may not pick up if there is a problem. But the Dr was very kind and DID up are requisition for me. He talked to Dr, my Oncologist, and she said to go for it.

Back to Dad.... sorry I am all over the place. I feel like my brain is going to burst right now. Dad found out that it will pretty much pick up on any problem area's in the body, even pretty small ones. Of course not one or two cells big, but it is a very amazing and thorough exam, IN MY OPINION. I don't have to have the biopsy and risk that malignant cells (if they are) are drug through my body, free to set up shop where ever else they like. LOVE this idea!! So we had a really good chat about that and looked up some amazing things on line here - . You should check it out.

After my hospital appt, I was off to our family Dr. Like I said, I love her. But at this time in my life, I once again need to go with what I FEEL is right. I know that she does want what is best for me... she told me. She wants to keep me around for a while! ;) Glad we are on the same page about that. Because I do respect her so much, I didn't have the guts to argue any of my points back with her because we aren't gong to get each other to see the other's opinion anyways. And that is fine. Like I said, I still have great respect for her and what she does.

After leaving that appt, if felt completely beat down and like there was no hope. I was told at the hospital that IF this is a malignancy, the the type of treatment then turns to palliative therapy. Basically, they do what they can to give me as much time as they can. Hear me loud and clear when I say - THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

Even before meeting with the dr's today, Ken and I decided that if all I had was time, it would be QUALITY time that we would spend. If I am not meant to be here for a long time, I am going to cherish the time that I have with my family. Meaning, if I am given a year (again, we still don't have an definitive answers yet! This is just me thinking out loud.) with cut, poison and burn methods VS six months with a healthy diet, feeling like me, then I will take the six months. I CAN NOT have my children see me like that again. Maybe if I was a few years out of this nightmare, then I would maybe, consider this option. Again, I just don't feel it is right anymore. It is not fair for them to have to see their Mommy sick, weak, hairless and void of energy. I am not saying "hairless" for vanity reasons, but they just miss me with my long hair. When they draw pictures of me, I have long hair and you know what, I am smiling. That is how they see me, that is how I want them to remember me.

Alright, so conventional at this point in our day it not looking that it is giving us a lot of hope... if any.

We went out for lunch with Mom and C and it was hard to eat. It was hard to talk. It was hard to smile. It was hard to think.

After lunch we went and met with Dr. She is our naturopathic dr. I love her too! We basically just shot ideas between the three of us. And one quick point, I am not naive enough to think that people who do go a natural route always have success and find their "cure". We all do the best with what we have and the information that we have. But I completely respect anyone and everyone who has tried and will try this alternate route. ESPECIALLY because of all the sideways looks and glances you get from others who don't understand.

We talked about some therapies that Ken and I hadn't heard about before, picked up some new remedies and left her office with a smile on my face anyways. I love my man. He is the eternal sceptic in most things.... well, more or less likes to argue the other side so see the reasoning behind things. He is smart and he said to me when we were at Dr, "Well you would sell our only cow for magic beans babe." LOL True, I probably would, and I actually have a visualization of me doing that. So I am grateful that he has the common sense to dig a little deeper to get his answers.

He did tell me that he thinks that I can't make a wrong choice. That he will support me in whatever I decide. We will run up our visa to save my life. For once, he has given me permission to go into debt! ;)

I have to take this opportunity to thank my Heavenly Father and all of you. If nothing else comes from this fast, at least I had the wits about me to have peace, an open and CLEAR mind (kinda tricky after chemo!!) and seek out the things which we should do.

Like I said, with all of this reading we have done and all of the knowledge that we have, I still felt overwhelmed by the decisions I needed to make. Having knowledge isn't always the best option when you have too many ideas of what you feel can work for you.

This fast brought me clarity. It brought me a deeper connection with my Father, that through Him I would know what to do.

This is a long one... are you ready. Maybe go for a pee, grab a snack and come back... I'll wait for you.

Yesterday I was also blessed to speak with another one of my Auntie's. Auntie M. She is an amazing woman. I haven't talked to her in years (she in our honorary aunt, but still, that is bad communication on my part!!) but she has had alternative treatments for ailments in her life. We didn't have the opportunity to speak for too long, but the information that she gave me was invaluable. A total answer to my prayers.

She told me of a clinic in Ecuador that is having around 90% success rates with breast cancer... Did you hear that?? Did I hear that? For sure I did!! She told me to call them right away and see what information I could get from them.

Ken and I spent most of last evening checking into our options and what would be best for our situation. I have been seriously considering going to the Gerson clinic for a long time now; it is the one that I have done the most research on and I feel really good about it. We also looked up the NCIT as well. Everything in my being told me that this was for us. It, is also amazing. Here is the link to their site, check it out and maybe help someone else who is going through this journey - . IT has given me hope as well.

This morning I decided to give the clinic a call and ask some questions. This was what Dr suggested that we do. To figure out what felt would be our best option for us.

I quickly spoke to a wonderful lady who then directly put me through to the Dr. DID YOU HEAR THAT??? I got to speak to the DOCTOR!!! We chatted for a few minutes and he gave me MORE information. How can people not see the hand of God in their lives?

I told him that here the dr's wanted to do the biopsy so we could see what we were working with. He said DO NOT to a biopsy, it can only cause more problems, DO NOT do chemo therapy, DO NOT do radiation. I asked him if I should go ahead and have the PET scan done. He said he wouldn't worry about it because it will all be taken care of at the clinic down there. The next date that they receive patients is May 20th and if it is possible, that I should get down there for treatment. Again, HELLO VISA!!

He told me that with breast cancer, it usually mets to the liver, lung and then the brain. And by the sounds of things, once it does get to the brain there might not be all that much that can be done. IF this nodule in my lung is cancer, the next stop in it's journey would be my brain. This is the new miracle I need you to all pray for, that it won't spread, any further than it already has IF it is cancerous. I feel like May 20th is SO far away. But I have so much hope right now. The most I have had in a while.

So now I am just waiting to hear back from him on costs and such. I will let you know what is happening when I know what is happening.

And regarding our babes, last night, Ken was at work, and Mom took K to dance and I just felt that it was the right time to talk to W. I had peace and my thoughts were collected about me. I just felt like I needed to be honest (thanks ES!!) with them and that even it it did hurt them, they needed to know. I didn't give much information, but enough that I thought they deserved.

I just said, "W, you know that spot in Mommy's lungs that the dr's are watching, well, it is getting bigger. Mommy is going to have some more tests done so we can figure out what is going on ok? I don't want you to be afraid because Mommy is not afraid. If you are scared or ever have any questions, come to me or Daddy and we can talk about it ok?" He continued to slather his toast with Nutella... "OK. But I just hope it isn't cancer. You have already had cancer and you shouldn't have to get it again." What a sweetie. Then we changed the subject and moved onto what to have for lunch tomorrow at school.

I told K too and she got a little teary and asked me if it would hurt to do more tests. I said no and that it would be fine. I told her the same thing I told W. And they are ok. I am glad to know that they are ok. I NEED them to be ok. I just want them to be kids. And C, well, he is C and he is in his own little world full of Superhero's, bikes and mud. And that is just fine with me.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Well, that is what I am. We don't have any difinitive results from my CT this morning, but enough answers to make me feel competely helpless... for the moment.

I asked Ken to call our family doc, Dr. C (who I love!). The news isn't so great as you might have figured out from the title and my first paragraph. The spot in my lungs is growing. It has gone from 4.3mm to 14mm in 3 months. They want to do a biopsy on it in the next few days to see what is going on. I am not trying to jump to worst case senario, but naturally, I am. I will prepare for the worst. I am good at that.

In Western Medicine, once your cancer has spread they "deem you incureable". What a line of BS I think! Can you honestly say that there is nothing really more that can be done for a person who has mets??

I talked to our family Dr last night and she said that they will try things. More chemo's, possibly removing it... I just don't know what to think. I am in total shock right now.

I have felt that sick, hot feeling, all night long. I can't stop shaking and my mind is racing. I was given a blessing last night and that did help me to find some peace and gave me the ablilty to sleep well. I am thankful for that.

Anyone who would like to join our family, we are fasting this Sunday - honestly at this point, for a miracle. That by some measure this growth won't be cancer. We would be honored if you were able to fast with us.

You know, I just didn't think that I would have to go down this road again. I thought that we had done it and were coming out well on the other side. I feel great, I have energy, I have my love for life back again. It is just hard when your feet are kicked our from underneath you... where do you get the strength to get back up and stand...

WE AREN'T SAYING ANYTHING TO OUR CHILDREN RIGHT NOW. Please pray for us that when we do, we will know what to say and how to say it. It breaks my heart because I feel like I finally just got W back. That he is a happy little guy, plays like a kid again and doesn't stress like he has for the past year. So, let's not talk about this when my kids are around. And if I start to, please remind me to stop.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Our Dear Redeemer

Of course at this special time of year, my thoughts are once again turned to our Savior. He is amazing, full of grace, loving and most importantly... our own Brother!

(Liz Lemon Swindle paints these stunning pictures. She is one of my favorite artists)

I am overwhelmed with feelings of our Brother's journey and life and love for me. He was such an example. He has taught me to have faith and trust in his sacrafice and in our Father in Heaven.

This is one of my most favored pictures. It kept me going when I felt all was lost. It helped me know that I was never alone. It reminds me always that He lives and that he is here and we are entitled to His strength all the time, no matter our situation.

My favorite hymn is "I know That My Redeemer Lives". These are it's words and I know they are true.

I know that my Redeemer lives;
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living Head.

He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to help in time of need.

He lives triumphant from the grave,
He lives eternally to save,
He lives all glorious in the sky,
He lives exalted there on high.

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend,
He lives and loves me to the end;
He lives, and while He lives, I’ll sing;
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
He lives, and I shall conquer death:
He lives my mansion to prepare;
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to His Name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same.
Oh, the sweet joy this sentence gives,
I know that my Redeemer lives!

I am thankful for my Savior and my friend, Jesus. I am thankful for his example. I am thankful for his comfort in my times of need. I am thankful for his strength and love for all. This gives me nothing but hope and faith that I too can one day be more like him.