Sorry it's been a while, I have thought many, many times about getting on here and blogging, but it would have been so depressing. And I don't want to do that too often.
Of course, the past three weeks brought the news that my tumor markers were going up and I also found a lump in my neck. Honestly, the night I found that out I literally felt like I was dying. My heart has never been so broken as it was that evening. I felt all my will and life just being sucked out of me... letting numbers and doctors past comments get the best of me. I cried, no, sobbed for two weeks straight. Realizing the seriousness of my situation just broke me. I had never given into the fact that this could possibly kill me, and it was a hard pill to swallow. I was almost in pain I was so sad. I could never explain the deep, depressing sadness that my entire body felt. I hope none of you ever have to feel this way, although, because of situations in our lives, I think we all at one point do.
The thought of me not being here was too much to take in. And then I thought of Christ. The agony that He went through... for you, and for me. My heart broke thinking of what He had to endure for me. I cried and cried and cried and pleaded with my Father in Heaven, for what I don't even know. I am done pleading for my life. He knows what my heart wants. I am in his hands.
My body was full of sadness from the time I woke up until the time we went to bed. Sleep was my only escape... and when Ken would come home from work he would let me bawl in his arms. It was healing though. Awful and hard to wrap my mind around but a necessary process to go through.
I really did feel like we were wrapping up my existence on earth and needed to prepare for that. And I guess in a way we all need to do that. But, I kind of feel now that I have a better grasp on things. It is really hard to contemplate your own passing, but for now, I think I have moved through it and I am back to greener pastures. I can not live in that place, and none of us should... Although it is hard with little ones and frustrations that go on with that, I have truly learned to appreciate every day. That doesn't mean they are all good days, but I am thankful for every moment and every morning when my eyes open against their will.
I have also started to try and be more present. With people living with us for the past 5.5 months, I've been able to pretty much do whatever I want. Sleep in as long as I want, nap as long as I want, only help with making some meals, a pretty charmed life some of you might think. But with each passing day, I think I slipped into a little more of a depressed state. (On a side note, we did talk to our counselor about going onto antidepressants... she said it would only take the edge off. Ken and I agree that there is not pill they can give you to make you happy when you are going through something like this. She also said I am just in the depressive phase of grief, and my cousin explained to me that we can jump around through the different phases. I know that I have done that and will probably continue to do that for a while.)
I called my Mom one day while she was at church and I lost it. I came to the conclusion that I needed to feel that I was needed again... more like a mom than a bystander just watching my family. I am now getting up in the morning with the kids to get them off to school. I wouldn't say I am cheerful as I am usually sore and nauseated but today was better. Still sore and nauseated but I tried to be softer with them and smile a little more... instead of Uncle Fester giving them the death stare because they are taking too long to eat their Lucky Charms (I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 22... just kidding. But on a serious note, I could eat 5 bowls of Lucky Charms in 5 minutes when I was a kid, seriously do they want me to switch to puffed wheat? NO sugar.)
I have tried to be up more through the day too. Of course when I need to lay down I do it because all the old symptoms come back. And I am tired by the evening if I miss a nap but I sleep really well through the night. So I can't complain.
OK, so Mom and I went to the doctor yesterday. First question I asked about was of course, my Tm's. Dr said (Different Doctor than last week) that we aren't treating my tumor markers. We are treating you as a person. If I came in looking very sick then they would do some deeper looking into my body (CT I guess) to see what was going on. And he said as a cancer patient you either look sick, or you look like you are doing ok. He said I looked fine. He also told us that if I don't stop freaking out all the time about my tm's, then they will just stop telling me what they are. I liked that response. Because I have honestly felt like the same pile of crap since January after surgeries and radiation, but I am getting a little stronger all the time. That is why Mom says to me, "Well how did you feel five minutes before you got your results?" "Fine." I would say. "Then don't let the numbers "pee on your brain" (famous Mom phrase)."
I told the Dr about the lump in my neck. He said it feels like a little cyst. It is small, round, squishy and moves around so Dr was not concerned that it was a tumor. And it is on the side of my neck not where lymph nodes are. I gave that man a hug so fast he almost fell over! He made my day.
We also came up with a plan for me to do 1/2 my chemo this cycle and then stop a few days before we go to D-land and we'll just see where things are at when we get back.
I did take a trip to the optometrist yesterday to rule out that I was having retinal detachment happening (flashing lights, things show up in my periphery - like I was in the closet the other night grabbing something and Ken's shirts, I noticed, had a bright purple/blueish streak across them like one of the kids had on an LED flashlight and were close to the shirt to make the beam of light into a line.) My eyes were fine.
Yay, but not 'yay' because it makes me a little nervous for my next MRI... like something is going to show up in my brain scan that is causing the problems. I have my MRI two days before we head down to D-land and I need to know the results so that I can take Dex (OH FOR FREAK SAKE!!!!!! MY FACE IS JUST STARTING TO LOOK LIKE MY OWN AGAIN) down with us in case anything happens. Seizures from swelling and such. But I have had the news of "you have a brain tumor" before, so I hope I will be able to stay in the cloud and just keep floating along until we get back home and would have to deal, once again, harshly with reality. So if you don't mind continuing to pray with us that all will be ok... we would really appreciate it.
All in all, so far, I am back to life. Living and planning like I am going to be around for a while still. It's been a tough few weeks and I am glad to have them behind us. At the same time I am nervous for these next set of results, but right now I do it one day at a time. That is all I can focus on so that I am in the moment, as they are what matters most.