Monday, December 19, 2011

Blue Christmas...

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I have really been struggling with fearful and sad thoughts. It doesn't help matter much that K keeps saying, "Mommy, I will really miss you when you die." Does she know something I don't? Or is she just thinking those thoughts most of us thought when we were once children?? "How could I possibly live without my Mommy and Daddy?" Or was I the only morbid child?

I am really trying to be excited about Christmas this year. It is my most favored season for so many reasons. Giving, loving, helping, hoping, being kind, smiling, hugging, laughing and of course the birth of our beautiful Savior, Jesus Christ. For me, this year seems to have lost some of that sparkle... I am more fully aware of our Heavenly Father's plan, and how blessed we are to have this plan. I know where I am going and what awaits me on the other side, but I have no strong desire to be there at all.... not for the next 60 years!

My desire is to be here with my family. To have a loving, close and growing relationship with my witty and charming husband. Be a mother and friend for my cherished little children. Watch them grow and learn and blossom. I don't want to see this from Heaven. I want to experience it on earth. Although I am certain when I meet with our Savior again I will feel nothing short of pure joy and utter peace, but I don't want to meet up with him just yet. No offence! ;) (I believe we are made in the image of God, so that being said, I know he gets my sense of humor so he wouldn't be offended by my choice.)

So as I am trying to find time to bake and clean and wrap gifts, I find myself blankly staring at my surroundings, trying to take it all in just in case it's my last. I wish I didn't have a cold so I could smell our Christmas tree and baking.... I want to keep every decoration the kids have made with tiny fingers and hands.... I want to hold my family closer than I ever have and love them more strongly than I thought possible.... I want their diarrhea to be gone so we can all feel healthy and happy, and I don't want anyone else to barf. I want to laugh and get up early on Christmas morning... I just wish it could be us, for the rest of our lives. And have all the time in the world to be together.

I am not a tard, I know that would be short lived and I would be annoyed in less than two days, but still.... sometimes it is hard as world around our family goes on and I can't help but wonder how much more family time we have. It could be years and years, it could be days, it could be months... I just wish I had more faith and could replace my feeling with it instead of fear and sadness.

So my wish for you this Christmas is that you will love your family and laugh with them. Cherish them and their weirdness and quirks. Love all that makes you a family and don't rush to be onto the next party and event. Slow down and take it all in. Enjoy this special season and all the reasons that make it so.


  1. Keep your chin up G! You do have a great family and you're a great Mommy! Enjoy this Christmas and live with no regrets. I know our Heavenly Father will bless you and your family with a very happy Christmas.

    Don't forget Elder Holland's words in his talk "Good Things to Come": “Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

    Love you G!

  2. I keep trying to put myself in your shoes, but I can hardly imagine. Thank you for the sweet reminder to enjoy the little moments. Love you!