Monday, April 29, 2013

The little things.

Today, I am on my own.  W and K are in school and C is having a play date at his little buddies house. So I did what all of you would have done... I slept in until noon, of course after I helped to get the kids off to school and C ready so Ken could drop him of at M's before he went to work.  He was so excited to go out and play with his little buddy.

I have really been struggling latley as he is my last babe, and he starts school in the fall.  This isn't what I had planned for my life.  Being to tired to do all the things that I wanted to do with him and K for that matter.  Being sick wasn't on my list of things to do.  I lost it the other day and sobbed to Ken, "This isn't how it is supposed to be.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  But I guess this is exactly how it is supposed to be."  And I guess my job it to figure out how to muttle my way through it and make the most of it.

My tumor markers are up again, 174 this time.  I honestly don't have any drive in me to find the good part of this news. Like my Mom said, "How did you feel 5 minutes before you found out?"  "Fine, " I replied.  "And how do you feel 5mintues after finding out?"  "Physically the same." I said.  "Then don't let it bother you so much.  I know that is easy for me to say and not so easy for you to do." was Mom's answer, and she is right... but again, harder for me to do.

I have been back to processing, it seems like I am always processing... good and bad, but always on the go with the brain.  But I have found that I have been more patient and loving, and I watch more carefully, how my children laugh and fight.  How sweet they can be with one another and how they really do love eachother and do things for one another.  Makes me feel at tims that I am not a total dead loss.  I love their laughter and their freckled noses and their smelly bodies when they come in from outside and they need to shower.  I love their utter concern and care for me.  I love how they pray for me in every single prayer that ever escapes their lips.

Being on my own today I thought I could handle some music while I was cleaining up from the weekend, W's 9th Birthday!!!! 9  Can you believe it!!  I hope I am here for so many, many more.  I love watching them grow and change from year to year.  Every year whose ever birthday it is we sit down together and look at all their pictures from birth to current.  We laugh and I try not to cry, but I always do.  I just can't believe it goes so fast, but at the same time, being in the position I am in I want to fly through it so I don't miss anything.

Anyways, I guess listening to sentimental music wasn't the greatest idea, but at least I will have cried all my tears by the time everyone gets home and I can be happy mommy.  I always want to be happy mommy, but sometimes, she's just so sad.  This one song came on by Hilary Weeks, yes can you tell she is one of my favorites.  And it summed up exactly how I felt at the moment it came on.

"If I Only Had Today"

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons
Sometimes it feel like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new

I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow

But if ther were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay
I know how I'd spend every moment
If I only had today

I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink
I'd tell you I love you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring  (So all of you who say "You never answer your phone!", sometimes I just want to be in the moment that I am in and not have to talk about anything else because I might be busy with my family.  But I still love you and will call you back... eventually!)
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today
I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep

All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that's come my way
Wouldn't mean anything without you
So if I only had today
I'd hold you and listen
I'd memorize every detail of your face
I'd tell you I love you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today

There's no time like the present
Life doesn't come with any guarantees
The sun will set and time won't wait
So while I have today

I'll hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over
For once I'll just let the phone ring
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our love will never change
Because I have today.

So as I was running around the house with an armful of shoes and boots from the little people that live here, I was thankful that I can put these little shoes away.  That I am here today, becasue I have this time, here and now.  That is my garuntee.  And I am blessed to have this moment.  And although I am not feeling the best from the chemo, I am here... to see, and love and live.

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