Thursday, November 8, 2012

Lots of things to blog about...

I have thought of many thing to blog about over the past little while.  Something will pop up or into my mind and I think, "Hey, that would be a good blog post."  But I never get around to doing it.  And to be honest, I have been trying to eliminate as much stuff as possible out of my life that reminds me of cancer... sadly this blog is one of them, but I won't ditch it.  That is why the hiatus though.

I had also been wearing my "pink" bracelet for a long, long time.  But then I started to dislike what it represented.  On the flip side, I also loved what it meant to me.  What I didn't like was the fact that every time I stuck my right hand out, I saw it and it reminded me that I am the girl with cancer.  I am young and I should never have even had to wear this bracelet, unless it was for supporting another.  Support.  That is why I loved it.  It made me think of all those people who donated money to us and wore and still wear theirs.  All those people who love me and believe in me... I felt guilty taking it off because of them.  Eventually I decided it was ok for me to put it away. 

Ken and one of my closest friends had a bit of an intervention with me too one day.  I have been reading my brains out for the past year and a bit.  Ken told me it was time to stop.  No more reading about cancer, nutrition, pills or anything else.  It was time to make a total 180 in my focus.  T, my friend asked me why I was so consumed with reading so much.  I said, "Honestly, I am terrified of possibly missing something that could potentially save my life."  It was that easy.  But at the same time, I think it was killing me.

Ken told me that I need to have faith in our Heavenly Father and faith in my Dr.  The decision that I came to, to go to Reno did not come lightly or easily.  There was MUCH fasting and prayer that went into making that choice.  I needed to focus on Dr. F's abilities and his way of doing things instead of slowly slipping down this slope into despair.

Since then, like I said, I have tried to abandon as much "C" as I can.  I honestly feel better.  I am happier.  I feel hope and like my life is going to be just fine.

So - onto results!  There really aren't any yet.  I don't get to talk to the Dr in Calgary until the 15th of November.  But I am ok with that.  She has been really busy and can't get back to me until then.

I did get my tumor markers back from the end of October and they have gone up again.  Last month they were 40, this month they were 43.  Ken (love this man!!) told me, "Hey, look on the bright side, they didn't go up 4 like they have been.  And how do you feel?"  I replied, "Other than this cold, I feel great!"  "Then screw the numbers!!" he said.  Well put.  I don't want to be stupid and not be proactive, but I also don't need to plan my funeral at the same time.

I have started another, yes, another new chemo drug.  This one is Xeloda.  I am taking a double dose of what the recommended dose is, but I think my body does ok with this crap.  It is in pill form.  I do one week on and one week off, one week on and one week off, probably for 6 cycles - so maybe until April 2013.  The sharty thing is, it is very expensive... I mean, very.  But we have been blessed again (thank you!!!!) and we are doing.  I felt pretty good the whole time, just a little tired yesterday, but it was my last day and I am off for a week.  It's side affects are very dry hands and feet, rashes, one of my friends in CA ended up with this, and hair loss.  All of my friends from Reno that were taking this drug still kept their hair so I am thinking mine will be just fine.

I am still taking my supplements like a mad fool, eating really, really well, I think my insides MUST be green by now and have dropped 50 pounds since this time last year (60 in total).  I truly do feel great!

I am now working really hard on trying to make sure that my thoughts align with what I want most in life.  A long and healthy life.  I picture me and my life in the future, with my husband, kids, in the home we would love to build...  That is what keeps me going.  Like I would ever stop!  But there have been days where I can see why people give up and think there is no end and no hope.  BUT, I am not living from there anymore! 

In keeping with this mind set, I don't think I am going to rush in for my next CT which is available to me now.  Do I really need to know if it has grown/shrunk and by how many mm's??  I am not going to lie, I do want to know, but at the same time, I want to enjoy this amazing time of year without being in a bad head space... again. 

Ken and I have talked and decided that once we get the results from the thermography and Dr. F has had a chance to see them, we will make a decision from there.  Until then, I am living my life as normally as I can, with the few hiccups of cancer sprinkled here and there.  I am not defined by this illness.  I am still Geneva, with a bright future and so much to offer... after a few quick naps and some more chemo.  :)

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