Friday, February 15, 2013

Some time.

Dearest family and friends. I hope this note will come across in the true manner I intend it too. I have noticed many small changes since surgery and honestly some days they are really hard too accept, but this is my life right now, and I have to be ok with it. I need to tell you about them so you are able to understand me right now.

I literally have no filter... You thought I was bad before, well, I am worse now. I say things that I don't mean; well, they come out all wrong and sound rude. Again, not my intention, but I am just really slow at coming up with what I am really wanting to say. It's very frustrating when I realize after what a jerk I sounded like. Please don't take offence, that is not my purpose.

I am exhausted. I sleep at most for 4 hours at a time, and then because of the meds, I am wide awake at the worst hours of the night, for hours. Which brings me to my next point that I know is going to come out all wrong...

Visiting hours! I love that you love me no matter what (right? Well that is what I like to think anyways!), and I thank you for that! I love you too and ALL of your support. But I truly need probably a few weeks to just come home and adjust to life again, get off some of my meds, get some rest and re-focus. I would love to have a short visit, but I seriously can only get away with about 20 minutes every once in a while. It is very hard for me to focus, and just having to be "present" takes a lot out of me. I can't concentrate for very long and as much as I want to hang out and be normal "G", this is my new normal for right now and I need those of you that do love me to be able to understand that to make my life easier... See, totally rude!

I guess I just don't want to feel more overwhelmed in any way than I already do by pressure to be someone that I just can't right now. It's not that I don't want to see you or visit you or hug you or thank you for all you have done. I just don't want you to take offence if I can't muster even 20 minutes one day for a visit, or come to the door if you drop by, or if you do and I kick you out after a few minutes. I do love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know, I mean that!

This is going to sound all wrong too, but I feel I need to say it. For the next little while, if you can't get a hold of me, or my poor Mom who has been screening and answering all calls for me because again, even talking on the phone is a huge ordeal in concentration for me, PLEASE check my blog for updates. I promise I will do my best to keep up to date on here for all of you. It will make my Mom's life easier and my life easier and if you haven't figured it out by now, I am all about me currently... Showering, maybe making my own lunch and breakfast (which seriously takes me almost an hour- I'm not kidding. I truly am going to have to rebuild myself from the ground up all over again. Everything!) mentally preparing to be as present for my kids as possible, and really focusing on what I am trying to say is what fills my days.

So how have I been doing... For the update part. Like I said a million times, I am exhausted. When I get too tired my eyes stop working. Really. Like I can't see out of them clearly. I loose parts of my vision and that is when I know that I have really over done it. Sometimes, most times, I try to lay down for a sleep, and it escapes me. So I lay there for a few hours with my eyes shut until I feel somewhat rested and can see again. But I am cranky because I want to sleep but don't. This is usually accompanied by the "clicking" in my head with the feeling of holding a 45 pound bowling ball on top of my shoulders.

On the healing front, Dr said that my surgery area looks really good. I can actually lay on the back of my head now for a while without pain. And more importantly to me, even though I only have one day left, I can lay on the neck and head support for for treatments without wanting to turn inside out!!! It really, REALLY hurt for the first four days probably... like make you want to barf hurt.

I can't drive. Dr said I will probably have to talk to my gp about that. Ken said I will know when I feel like I will be able to to that again. I can't even go out by myself in public right now it's way to overwhelming and I feel so lost. I am pretty much a child all over again.

I have no body strength. I have gained 20 pounds in my tummy and face and lost muscle mass in my legs, butt and upper body. Going up a regular flight of stairs is a big deal for me. I have trouble lifting my purse from the back seat if it is too heavy. Dr said that all of this is normal being through what I have been through and more importantly, the steroids do this to you, which I thought was funny... loose muscle mass. But I can't do anything to build it up right now anyways except a tiny little workout that I have made up for myself consisting of 10 mini squats, 10 calf raises, 10 arm curls with 2 pound weights (I used to do 15's), maybe a little walk on the treadmill for a few minutes or forcing myself to go up the stairs two times in row... but I have only done this workout like 5 times. There are days I can't even go up the stairs without pausing for a rest for my legs. My newest goal is to get my arse off the toilette without pushing on my leg to be my 20 pound backside up! I wasn't kidding when I said rebuild from the ground up.

I feel that my head is moving around better which does feel good. I am not as stiff as I was, although I am still very guarded at what comes at me, how fast and if I can turn my head certain directions at times. What a lot of silly information!!! But it's what I am experiencing.

Well, I have been writing this for over an hour and I actually feel tired again so I am going to make the most of that feeling for how ever long it lasts, 5 more hours would be nice! I thank you for your understanding. I love you, and I will be back eventually, I hope I am still the same me I was before, because I can't really accept the new me right now... she's just a little too much for me, to rude, not enough filter and way to impatient!

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