My finger nails.

The last chemo drug that I was on, Docetaxel, did a number on quite a few things. My eyelashes, my eyebrows, my skin and finally my finger nails. They started peeling from the bottom up, much like if you got your nails done and needed a fill. Shortly after that started, they were peeling from the top down. My nails are a mess right now and a lot of the soft nail bed is exposed making them very sensitive and quite painful depending on what I have them come in contact with.

I can't have them in the water too long or it makes the entire nail too soft and then more and more of it flakes off, exposing the soft bed underneath.

A more natural approach.

I have been reading A LOT as of late about a more natural approach to cancer treatment. I wish that I had been able to come across it sooner, but when life comes at you so fast, you don't really know how to react. You just kind of go along with it because "you know it's best".

One thing that I have learned is that USUALLY you have some time to figure out your best approach to a treatment. The doctors that I have been reading up on have had quite a bit of success treating people who are at stage IV cancer. Of course there are a few people who are too sick to be able to be treated. Which is sad, but none of the Dr's say that they have a 100% success rate. Which I think is very honest of them.

They have cured (a lot of them don't like to use the term "cured" they prefer "managed") many cancer's with metastasises, which in conventional medicine is usually deemed as incurable. That alone is totally depressing, so it is nice to know that there are other options other than death to treating a cancer that has spread.

What I find totally interesting is that they have had success with pancreatic cancer which is most certainly a death sentence within 5 years.

A lot of it is done through diet and supplements and it is a lot of work. Most of the fruit and veggies are organic and the protocol is longer than conventional medicine. I am not saying that for one moment I would have changed the route that I have taken. I believe that I have had amazing doctor's that have my best in their interest and they have done what they deem to be the very best options for me to give me the best possible outcome. But now that I have had time to read a bit, I think if I had to go through this again I would possible take a different approach. One that is less toxic and better for my body.

One of the great books I have read is called "HEALING The Gerson Way" by Charlotte Gerson with Beata Bishop. Following their protocol has healed many people with cancer and other chronic diseases.

The other book that I am currently reading is Suzanne Somers book "KNOCKOUT Interviews with Doctors who are Curing Cancer and how to Prevent Getting it in the First Place." I am almost through it and I love how she has interviewed a few different doctor's and found out the different things that they do to "manage" cancer.

The Doctor who I am reading about right now is amazing. He has his board-certified oncologist and a board-certified homeopath. This is the kind of doctor that I think that we need more of. I always say that I wish that people of the medical profession and people of the holistic approach could come together and come up with the best options for all. I personally think that this route would benefit many, many people in the best way possible.

I have a lot of other personal opinion's that I will keep to mysef at the moment, but I think anyone should read these books... we all know someone who has cancer, may get cancer or you yourself may (Heaven forbid!!!) come in contact with it and then you will be able to offer some helpful info to others, or have the info at your fingertips so you can make the most informed decision for you.

More Changes.

My dates for radiation were changed.... AGAIN for the third time. I actually started radiation on Monday, so I have had two treatments. So far so good. I shouldn't really notice anything until around day 10 - 14. By then it might feel a bit warm to the area.

I got another two tatt's! Again, little blue pinpoints on my skin, now I have 5! I wish I didn't have any...

They are going to radiate me from my sternum to half way around my back, maybe a little bit less than that. And then it will go from about two inches above my belly button but in line with my sternum on my left side and up to my collar bone. I will also have part on my neck radiated because of the lymph nodes that run up there. And also part on my left armpit. That area is a LOT bigger than I thought would be covered... but better to be safe I guess???

They said it will eventually feel like a sunburn and some of the areas MAY open up and ooze. Gross!!!! I hope that this won't be a side affect for me. Anyone else have any info about themselves or people who have gone through this... did this happen to them? I know that everyone is different, but I was just wondering.

Why.

Something a Mom should never have to ask, "YOU GUYS!!! Where is my boob? It is not a toy you know!"

Another Update.

I am so bad at keeping up as of late so I am not sure if I have let you know what is happening with radiation. I had my initial consult in Kelowna this past week. Dad, Mom, C and I went out there together. It was a fun trip.

We met with Dr. M and talked a little. He asked me if I have gained any weight and I asked him if it looked like I did. He laughed. I am sure he noticed! How can you not! Anyways, then I had to have a CT. They do this to set me in the exact position that I will be laying in while I have radiation, from there Dr. M can draw up his plan on how I will be radiated.

Then I was received my second and third tattoo. Don't worry, these are literally two little blue dots on my skin for marking. They alcohol wipe you, put some ink on your skin and then poke it with a pin. Easy. I have one in my old-cleavage-stomping-grounds and one my side under my arm.

I will start my treatments on the 22nd of September and I will have 28 treatments in total. I hope I am done in time for Halloween! I don't want to miss that with my kiddies. PLUS, if I can think of it, I could have a really cool costume this year with my bald head and all... any ideas??

Can't say...

There are a few funny things that I realize I can't really say anymore.

First of all, when people would argue how bad some things to eat and or feed your kids were/are, for example, Macaroni and Cheese, I always said, "I ate that when I was growing up and I'm fine." Can't say that anymore.

Also, for now, I can't say "I have an eyelash in my eye." I don't have any, so I can't say that.

Can't say, "My boobs are too big, too small, hurt, are saggy, ugly, not perky enough..." etc. I CAN say that they are different sizes!

I know I will think of more so I will add them as I think of them.

Staring.

I am not horribly disfigured, burnt or anything else that is a permanent part of my life. But, regardless, I have eyes on me, wherever I go. I wonder what people think. I wonder what they tell their kids who are most certainly curious. I wonder what they tell themselves. I wonder if they have been where I have been, or with someone who has. I wonder if they feel sorry for me.

This hasn't really bothered me before, but for some reason today, I wanted to cry. And to make matters worse, when I was driving home from the grocery store, I was watching people. I was looking at them laughing in their cars with their friends, jogging on the sidewalk with a child or by themselves, walking their dogs. And I was wondering. Wondering if they have ever had a moment on their life, when the world absolutely stops, and you seem to be alone... the only one who is about to embark on a journey that you were never prepared for. An illness, the death of a loved one or most recent to a lot of us, a missing child.

As the world seems to carry on as usual, you do not. And it seems weird and unfair that everyone else gets to go about their day as "normal", or so it appears. As you sit in a fog of unbelief, sadness and despair, life continues on. I am luckily not here anymore, but my heart aches for the family of this little boy who is lost. As the world around them continues on, their world is at a major stand still.

I don't know how to explain exactly what I am thinking and feeling, but it is odd to me that when things are so impossibly wrong for some people, life is usual for others.

One thing that I am thankful for are people... people who love you and know you inside and out, people who are acquaintances or people who have never met you and wouldn't know you to see you, but would stop their world to help you out. I am thankful for all of these people who have helped our family, friends of ours and complete strangers. I am thankful that there are still so many good people in this world that can get together and help others. To start their world in motion again and give some reprieve amidst the storm. I am thankful for our Heavenly Father who created us in His image and for our Savior who taught us how to be. I am thankful for the love they have for us and that they have placed others here on this earth to help and love and guide... people that are filled with the light of Christ.