Beautiful.

I had the most amazing dream the other night. I was in the midst of chemo and was walking by the mirror getting ready to go out to a work related party of some sort. I was less than enthusiastic about getting ready and even more reluctant about going out.

As I looked at myself I thought, "What's the point? No matter how much makeup you put on, earrings you place in your ears or hat you choose, you don't look like you at all! You look chubby and swollen and nothing at ALL like the girl you used to look like. All it does is make you sad when you get ready because it frustrates you that you aren't who you were. Just forget it."

At this point in my dream I put on a green shirt and thought I would give it a try regardless of how I felt. As I started to do my makeup I noticed that my hair was growing. I played around with it for a bit and then I looked into the mirror again. I was about 140 pounds... not my pre-pregnancy weight but it felt way healthier than my current weight. I felt good. I was actually happy about what my body looked like. I wasn't annoyed that I had another 12 pounds to loose to get to my "goal" weight. I was truly satisfied.

I looked back to the mirror and my hair was about three inches long all over, dark and cut in a really cute way. I had side swept bangs and I was in awe at how it framed my face and my eyes. My eyes!! I still had to do my eye makeup. I was going to go out for sure on this evening. I felt so great!

I carefully put on my eyeshadow and eyeliner. I thought for a brief moment about my beloved eyelashes. They were still pretty thin and only about a third as long as they normally were. I wanted to put on mascara so badly but knew it would only look silly. After snuffing out that thought I decided to put it on anyways. After all, I had already had the most amazing transformation so I figured "Why not?"

I swept the mascara wand carefully over my eyelashes, as if it was the first time I had ever put it on. Every time I finished the stroke to the end of my lashes, they grew longer and longer. It was the most amazing thing. By the time I had finished my lashes, they were full, thick and longer than they were before. I was mesmerized by my eyes. They were stunning. They were happy. They were beautiful. I was beautiful... once again.

***

I can't even explain how incredibly amazing this dream was. I honestly think it was a gift from our Heavenly Father too me. It has so many meanings to me... Like he was telling me, "See my beautiful child, I told you I would take care of you. I told you I would make you truly fall in love with who you are no matter what you used to think. I told you I was right here with you all this time, loving you and encouraging you to keep going. My beautiful daughter, I have always seen you in this way regardless of how you saw yourself. So love the wonder of this body that I have created for you. Take care of it and it will take care of you. I will always be here, beside you. I love you my child."

Honestly it was just what I needed. And I am so blessed to have had this experience. I will treasure it always.

A new hair line!

I have quite the crop growing now. Ken has coined my lush locks as "male patterned baldness". He's pretty much right. But I am quite enjoying my new fuzzy do of cat hair (it's quite soft and DARK!!) My eyelashes are also coming in quite well but not as great as my eyebrows. It's so nice to have some hair again!

Wow

What a difference a week can make.

Nov. 6th Nov. 12th

Crunching leaves...

So the picture that I showed you a few posts ago was from last week. And I can't remember if I explained that the radiation keeps working for about 5-7 days after your last treatment. Meaning it gets worse before it gets better. I think that picture was at the peak of the worst of it. That or the day after, but none the less, it all pretty much look that crappy.

On Tuesday or Wednesday of this week I was really starting to feel better, in a sense. Although I feel like Fat Bastard's sister and I can pick off more skin than Goldmember could ever dream of, the pain was going away and I was starting to heal.

I am no longer getting up in the middle of the night to put on lotion as relief. I wouldn't say that I am sleeping really great, but at least I don't have to do the cold lotion thing.

The next phase that we have moved onto is the peeling. Everything blistered before it dried out and started to peel. My skin literally (I am not exaggerating!!) sounds like brittle, dried, fall leaves under your feet, when I peel it off. Don't barf! I know, it's sick but I told you I would be honest in this journey.

If I reach or stretch too far, it pulls and can become a little painful as it feels like it is going to crack open. Kind of like I am not quite supposed to be able to "go there" yet. It is also a little bit itchy and I do have an obsession with grooming the area with my eyebrow pluckers. Could I get any sexier??? My poor husband.

I have to be careful when I shower because the water from the shower head can be too strong when it is streaming out and it gets caught in the small pockets of skin that are starting to peel and it makes it sting. But it is honestly getting better.

In the midst of the pain, I did say that I wasn't sure if I could do recon. This entire journey is one of pain from diagnosis, to surgery, to recovery, to chemo, radiation and then reconstruction. It is a lot to take in. Ken was quick to answer "BABE.... you don't have to make that decision right now you know!" That made me give a good hearted, belly laugh. He's such a man.

Coming home.

I am happy to inform you all that I am blogging now from the comfort of my own home again! Actually, in my bed in my pj's today while my kids are playing a dance game on the X-Box downstairs... laughing, fighting and playing. It is honestly glorious.

To bring you up to speed... My second last week of radiation I was able to double up on one treatment because they were closed for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was in my little plan to be able to get home a day early and surprise Ken and the kids. That weekend of the 28-30th I somehow managed to keep my big yap shut and not spill the beans. Again, it was very hard when the kids were crying on the way down the street but this time I wasn't sad. I was very excited!

By this time my radiated area was getting really, really sore to say the least. I had a big area under my armpit that was opening up and was really painful. I thought to myself that I wasn't sure if I would be able to smile this coming week of radiation. I told this to one of the therapists and he said, "NO!! You always smile. You have to." That made me smile. :) It was really hard to life my arm over my head though because it was so sore.

I finished up on the Wednesday morning and we were on our way by the afternoon. I knew that we (Dad, Mom and myself) wouldn't be home in time to see the kiddies before bed. I was really nervous too that Ken might be trying to pull a surprise of his own, even though I knew he couldn't take time off of work, but I was stressed he would show up in K town or something along that line. I had called him three times that morning to "chat" and see how work was going and I couldn't get a hold of him. So I had to call Mom and Dad Atwood to find out if he was actually home or not. I really didn't want to tell anyone, but it was good that they knew what was up. And they confirmed that yes, Ken was at work. Lucky me!!

We got home at 9:30pm and my mom and dad-in-law motioned that Ken was downstairs. I crept down the stairs (apparently I was louder than I thought because Ken said he wondered who was coming down because it was too heavy for Carson and too fast for his Mom!). I walked around the corner and all Ken could say was "What the heck? What the heck?" And it took him a bit longer than I thought it should have, to get off his arse and come and give me a hug. I actually surprised him!!! He had no idea!

We went into the kids room so I could say hi and give them a kiss. K was completely out of it. I kissed her a few times and then headed over to W. He rolled over and gave me the biggest smile I had seen in a while! I was so happy. W was so excited he didn't want to go back to sleep, but he was really good and did. It was so nice to be able to tell him that I was going to be here in the morning!

I headed upstairs... I guess my little fart of a C wasn't quite asleep either and he was playing in his room and he didn't seem as surprised when he whispered "Mommy..." Still there was a big smile on his little face and a huge hug came right after that.

I was home. Finally home.

Ouch.

Ouch... all I can say.

Found this too!

I also came across this too on this amazing Mom's blog. She added her own special touch to it and I totally agree.

"This is cute, but I disagree with it. Don't keep calm and fight on. Wake up every day and bitch slap that cancer until it's gone. :)"
She's funny!

Want this.

Would love to eventually get this shirt. Don't know if I would actually wear it... might parade around in it! LOL

Thought I would share.

I have been trying to stay away from cancer blogs because we are all so different and I can't stress myself out with what (met's, "incurable" and death) has transpired with others who have not been so fortunate. It is very hard for me to pull myself away from these beautiful women and not wonder if the same fate is for me.

So this morning when I came across this beautiful YOUNG Mommy's blog, I deemed it safe because although her treatment is completely different than mine, she is just a few steps behind me and I am alright with the fact that I have BARELY!!! been there and done that.

So I read on... and on... and on. She is also 31 and has three children, a 5 year old girl and twin boys (3 I think). Anyways, her blog is great. While reading I came across a little poem I guess, can't think of the right word, and LOVED it immediately. So I thought I copy it and post it here for you to read. It is completely true.

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well, she said, I think I'll braid my hair today!
So she did.
And she had A Wonderful Day!

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

Hmmm, she said, I think I'll part my hair down the middle today!
So she did.
And she had a Grand Day!

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

Well, she said, today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail!
So she did.
And she had a Fun Day!

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

Yay! she exclaimed, I don't have to fix my hair today!

Attitude is everything!

And I have to hold onto that. :)