Small miracles.

You may or may not know this about me.  Before going through what I have been going through, I was pretty much a Negative Nelly, glass half full or even a little less than half full, kind of depressed, well, I was on antidepressants so I guess I was depressed, and rather ungrateful sometimes for the stumbling blocks that I had to overcome.  I often felt miserable and sad and angry.  You would never really know it to look at me from the outside, we all know how to build great walls around us to keep us safe.

Yesterday some of my wonderful friends came rushing to our aid and cleaned my ABSOLUTELY disgusting house.  I am not kidding, it was gross.  You could have planted grass seeds in the dust, toilets were back to something akin to a horror movie, smears and smudges all over the mirrors, you could have had a meal from all the crumbs and food on the floor... well, a small one anyways, enough to take the hunger pang away.

Ken and I needed to go down to the states to "pick up Christmas" as I liked to call it.  It was waiting at the boarder.  Almost all of the women here that didn't have plans after cleaning our mess (work, getting ready for the holidays themselves, spending time with family - it's a really busy time of year and I can't even explain how much gratitude I felt for them coming to us in the first place), offered to take our kids so we could run down by ourselves and grab the stuff we needed to get.  I kinda had mixed feelings as I had already bawled my face off in the bed that morning as I snuggled our littlest guy, gazing and memorizing the already well know details of his face, looking at his "crazy baby hair" as we used to call it, I guess now it is crazy little guy hair.  He was wrapped up in me and me in him.  But, my heart still shattered at the thousands of thoughts that fill my mind at times about "MY" babies.  How I am supposed to be here to be their Mommy.  How although, they drive me bat crap crazy sometimes, I don't want to miss one single moment of it.  I was up, and ready, and showered with my game face on for them and Ken too, and I knew if it was just Ken and I driving down that our thoughts and feeling would be free to flow and wander.  Which easily equates to: more crying.  But I knew the kids would LOVE to play with their friends so we did leave them here.  They also had a really good time helping the girls clean the house.

The car ride was quite, and tear filled and needed, I guess.  Like we haven't had these freakin' stupid conversations 10,000 times before, it just needed to be done again.  I know my kids would be ok.  Their father is a pretty amazing man.   Honestly what I struggle with the most is knowing that my husband, a man who has loved me through thick and thin and thinner, will eventually fall head over heels in love with someone else.  AND, that is how it is supposed to be.  Sadly, we all have to move on and I truly believe that no one is meant to be alone.  But it is heart and gut wrenching to me to think of this.  To not have this entire post be depressing, because honestly the good part is coming, I guess that I have to look at it as gaining a sister wife.  And Ken said to me, "Honey.  I want to believe that you will help me to find her.  The perfect women to mother "our" children.  One that if I died, I wouldn't have any hesitations leaving our kids too.  And that would be a really hard thing for me to do.  I am not trying to be a jerk, but it would be really  hard.  So I need to think that you would help pick her out for me."  Insert EVIL, cRaZy, laugh!!!!!!  Oh, kidding.  Of course I want her to be right for the job at hand.  It would not be an easy one and I know I would love her for all the sacrifices she is making to love our broken little family.  That it was meant to be like this.

On the way home I was a little angry and I told Ken that I was mad at myself for pissing (pardon the French) my life away.  "WHAT are you talking about?" he said, rather confused.  I was angry for being so selfish and stupid before about being "overwhelmed", "annoyed", "miserable", "cranky", "tired", "having a PROBLEM with the kids or Ken."  I was just mad.  Hind sight is always 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, my life and choices about the way I react to most situations would have been completely different.  But I guess that it why we are here.  To learn and grow!

I spent two and a half hours on the phone the night before with one of my closest friends, LH.  Man I have learned so much from her.  She is such a blessing in my life!  I can't even begin to explain it!  She is already living my worst nightmare, and although she has her down right crappy moments, she still finds those times to smile, so I feel safe talking to her, and reassured when I talk to her.  Anyways, she is reading a book about Grieving.  She was telling me about a lady in the book who explained that "I now know, what a PROBLEM is."  Ummmm, this is quote by Geneva and Arnold so don't take if word for word ok!  "The rest of the things in life that [she] had experienced, were inconveniences."  How true.  It just made me realize a lot.  This situation that we are in is an actual problem... one I still believe can be solved, so I am not surrendering!  But it still made me reflect on my bad behavior's over the past years and regret the way that I have acted.  Remember though, I am still learning and I am not done yet!!

We then started talking about getting the rest of the results form the CT.  I told Ken I wasn't really up for anymore bad news when he made a rather funny point that brought a huge smile to my face and even a laugh to cross my lips.  He said, "Babe.  You have already been told you are dying.  That is like someone saying to us, 'Ken and Geneva, before you get home you are going to get in a car accident and die.  After you die, the car is going to blow up.'  Hon!  Who cares, we'll already be dead!"  (Raised eyebrows and a shrug, he's right!)

Well, we did call our GP to get the rest of the details from the CT.  Are you ready for the miracle?  (Now you can insert tears if you like, I know I sure did)  The miracle that I have been praying for all along, the miracle that showed me that ALL OF OUR PRAYERS have been heard all along... and that I have not been forgotten?  Well, here it is.  I wanted to type it up for you last night but I was feeling so sick and exhausted from everything and only getting two hours of sleep the night before that I just didn't have it in me, but my heart was bursting to thank you all and share it with you!  I know I know, shut up and get on with it!

The rather rapidly growing lymph node in my carina has only grown from 2.3cms, to 2.6cms in the past 4.5 months.  AND, the lung nodule is actually STABLE!!!  Did you hear that!  No growth in the past few months.  Still 19 mm's!!  AND no new lesions were seen anywhere else in my chest or abdomen either!!  Ya, I realize that this still isn't best case, but I have said over and over and OVER again that I would take stability!  In a heart beat I would.  At least I know that everything that I have been doing is not for not.  The hard work that I have been putting in is being paid off in some major ways!  It gave me so much fight and drive!  I can't even explain it to you.  And my tumor markers actually stayed the same, at 61, just like they were last month.  They have been going up and up slowly ever since April.

I am not an idiot, even though said Arnold make me feel like one sometimes (but at least I can joke about the bugger now that I know what is going on); I can get up and do whatever it takes, to give me however long I can have in "my" life.  I know it is not going to be easy.  In our Church there is a picture of the Savior.  He is in a white robe in the Garden of Gethsemane.  And the caption underneath it says, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  How true these words ring.

 

"The Atonement of Christ began in the Garden of Gethsemane. Here Christ began to take upon Himself the sins and infirmities of the world. Even He was astonished at the suffering which overtook Him when this process began. He had to bear this burden alone. He suffered the consequences of our sins, but He also suffered every sickness and pain possible in this life. He felt all the consequences of mortality, even those which do not result from sin. He did this in order to be able to succor us and comfort us. There is no trial we can be called upon to bear which He does not understand."

 

And I am thankful, beyond words, measure, understanding even, for the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father and our Savior.  I wasn't easy for them to accomplish what they did for you and for me.  And I can honestly say, now that I am a parent and know of the love that you have for your children, that His heart breaks when mine breaks, and all He wants to do is pick me up and make it better for me.  But we are here to learn and grow and teach and love.  Just like our parents let us do when we were kids, and just like I will have to let my children do one day.  But I will always be there for them, cheering them on from the sidelines and dusting them off as often as they will allow.  And I know that the same is being done for me.

Have a Merry Christmas!  I know I will and I will rejoice for the ultimate gift that has been given.