Apparently I can't get enough words in lately. I have just had so much that I feel like I want to share with you. And I am feeling that it is positive and I feel that is very important. I wanted to write down another few paragraphs from a book that I have quoted form before. I feel it hits my nail directly right on the head and I wanted to share that with you.
Again, I am exhausted and should be sleeping, but the drugs haven't kicked in yet so I'll just keep going like a mad fool until I fall asleep sitting up in bed and then have a huge sore on my arse because I should have just layed, (first sign, that is not a word), I believe you actually spell it "laid" down.
Moving right along before it gets any worse.
"In trying times, Just Keep Trying!"
Merrilee is talking about becoming humble or rather the gift of humility. She talks about watching these people who are humble and wondering how to get there herself.... just like I have so many times before in my life.
"I worked to eliminate the pride issues in my life, but somehow couldn't figure out how to acquire such Christlike humility.
And then my challenges and experiences started. As they began to multiply, I began to ponder and study the description of humility I found in the scriptures"
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)
"I knew this scripture held the key for me to understand humility. What I have come to realize is that a child submits to his father because he loves his father. And he knows for a surety that his father loves him. The child submits because he knows that everything his father does is in his best interest.
As each successive trial came and increased my burdens, I groaned under the weight of it all. Day after day, I bowed my head in submission to my Lord. Day after day, I relied on His love.
Each new experience brought me new pain, new suffering. But each experience also brought the comfort of the Holy Ghost and the promptings to yield to the will of the Lord. Each time I was encouraged to let go of the control. Let go of the fear. And trust, just completely trust.
I realized that my heart was changing.
Each experience demanded that I once again dig deep. I knew that my Heavenly Father knew me and loved me. I knew my Savior did as well I knew that every singe experience they had designed for my earthly experience was for my good and were motivated by love for me.
And as the trust and love came, I chose to be submissive and humble. Not only was I willing to endure the will of the Lord, it became my desire. I wanted His will to be done in my life. Even if that meant that I would endure pain and experience traumatic things, I wanted His will to be done. No matter what.
I learned it's hard to be prideful when your entire life is disintegrating around you. I began to understand much more deeply the struggle and suffering of others. Each day was an effort to survive, and as the trying times continued, I realized that everyone else was trying to survive as well. We were all trying to do the best we could. I stopped making comparisons; I was no different and no better. I was the same. More than that, I had no desire to be better than anyone. I was filled with love and compassion for those around me. I wanted to help them and needed their help in return. Meekness and teachableness took on new clarity.
I am now beginning to understand the attributes of a child - submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit.
It's not about me anymore. It's all about the Lord."
Tears streamed down my chubby little cheeks as I read this passage over and over again. This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't even try. It was just so important for me to share this with you. To give you some sort of insight as to how I really feel. I am not afraid. I know that what is being done in my life at this time is exactly what is supposed to happen and I just need to have complete trust in the Lord. And I do.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
One heck of a day!
Sorry there was no time for updates yesterday at all. We started out day off early, on very little sleep, yet again. Our first appointment was at 9:00am - ya, we know that's not that early, but we are beyond tired right now. That was with the neurosurgeon - really, really nice man!!! We chatted with him about surgery and possible side effects and such. There is a chance that people can die from surgery, we all know that, there is a chance that I can get an infection in my spinal fluid after surgery and then of course there are going to be the things that we are just going to have to watch for like having some balance issues and small little changes like that. He did say over time these things usually correct though and people are just fine.
Surgery is set up for Monday morning most likely at 6am. It will be a 3-5 hour surgery and I will most likely be in the ICU for 2 days after to just to be watched carefully for infection and making sure that my heart is doing ok and everything else is functioning like it should. Ken wanted to know if he should be buying me bibs and such... normally I would think he was really funny, but exhaustion just added to sadness and frustration for me at that point. I smiled when I had to yesterday, and laughed when I thought it was a good time to show people that I am not worried, but I was on total overload yesterday. I think my big, saggy steroid cheeks hung down like the jowls of a huge boxer all day long. I HATE looking at me right now.
After we saw Dr. Neuro, we ran to the Cancer Center to talk to our Oncologist there. She wants to keep me on the same medicine that I am currently on - WHICH WAS AMAZING NEWS and add another drug that usually works better with getting into the brain blood barrier.... that wording seems to come up a lot. There aren't really a lot of drugs that are effective in doing that. She is not sure how well it will work, but we are going to give it a try. They are both pill form, so I will be able to continue to take them at home and I really believe that I will have minimal side effects, not like being on the hard core stuff. I won't loose my hair - well, with the chemo anyways, we know that's coming off with radiation, but my hair will come back on the chemo. And I have already been on the one drug for 3 months now anyways and can function just fine so I have no worries. Well, that is a bit of a fib, this other drug is hard on your heart. It is crazy what all this crap really does to your body. You damage something to keep something else going.
Have to admit, I, probably more so than we, didn't want to talk prognosis or anything even close to that because I will surpass every date and time I will ever be told. I am in NO way trying to be cocky or think I am something special, I just really believe that something great is going to happen. But, there weren't a lot of smiles of "this is going to be ok" "your going to do well" "long term success". You get really good at reading peoples eyes especially when the look sad and don't maintain eye contact with you very long. I just have to go off on my own little path and make up my own blueprint for our families future. I am not going to be a statistic. I am going to be me, for how ever long that is! And honestly, just let the rest melt away. That is hard, I am not going to lie, but I just can't live my life in that head space. I just need to keep planning for my future life with my family and me a part of it.
I was told that I need to stop taking all my supplements for now because no one is sure if any of them are blood thinners and they don't want me bleeding out in surgery. Makes sense, but like I told Ken, it's just really hard to stop doing what I truly believe in and change EVERYTHING it seems for a little while. I asked about still being able to juice and they "thought" that should be fine. Just so crazy! It's healthy for crying out loud. So yesterday was my absolute last binge day and I am going to get this body as ready as it can through celery, broccoli, green drinks, smoothies, soups and anything healthy I can chuck in my gob, to prepare for Monday. I know that isn't a lot of time, but I still feel like a good 5 days will serve me well. And then eating as well as I can post surgery until I can get back home and get full tilt again. I just can't tell you how much I believe in the nutrition aspect of things. You wouldn't be able to tell that from looking at me right now because I have seriously gained 13 pounds... I feel like I am in a blow up fat suit. It comes on so quickly.
But! Dr. M did say that I could lower my Dex dose down to 2 pills a day so that was nice. He was even joking with us when he was showing us the images on the MRI at his desk. He had a pack of digestive cookies beside his computer and he looked over at me and picked them up and moved them and said, "I've seen you people on Dex." I laughed and told him "I didn't want his stale clinic cookies for a crap snack, I want a cinnamon bun the size of my arse covered in 4 inches of frosting." He laughed too!
After our meeting with Dr. T we headed out for lunch with a new friend of ours. Ken has met her from work. She is such a doll. One of those people who you feel like you know forever. I just felt really badly because we had to order early before she got there, and start eating because our next appointment was at the hospital for pre-surgical screening. But we got in a nice quick lunch and visit, we'll see her when we are back this coming week.
We rushed out the restaurant and down to the hospital. Were asked a million questions about previous surgeries and how things had gone. Then we waited to speak with the anesthesiologist who noted my heart mummer so he wanted an EEG? EKG? done. Like he said, there is a little hole there, and I just want to know what is flowing where before we do this so that if something happens after we know what it was like before. Smart enough answer for me! Then I had blood work done in case a transfusion is needed and I have to wear a little pink bracelet for the next 28 days. We were at the hospital from 1-3:30ish. Like I said, no time to stop really for anything at all.
We came out and it was snowing like crazy! Although we were tired, Ken decided that he wanted to get the first leg of the trip out of the way and make it back to Dad and Mom's for the night. So we quickly hit up Costco for all the essential bulk needs and shoved the car full. Seriously, packed. Like no room left at all. But we have enough TP for a few months!!!! That always make me happy, and paper towel, and laundry soap... you know, the wired stuff you don't ever really want to be without?!
We raced back to the hotel, threw all our crap together... well, Ken did. I ate some more, I just crave granny smith apples and almond butter and it makes me happy, plus I knew that if I did that it would help out immensely with the amount of room we would have in the car. Ken made sandwiches for us for supper and Dad for the next few days at work, we hit up Timmy's to bring some muffins home for Dad for breakfasts and then we hit the road.
It snowed like crazy the entire way to Dad and Mom's. Our average speed was 74kms but that was safe and it took us 4 3/4 hours to get here which wasn't so bad considering the road conditions. And it was pretty quite other than some semi's and plows, we were pretty much the only ones on the road. It was a good drive.
We finally had a REAL conversation about our life, complete with yelling, crying, frustration, stress, swearing, unloading, and re-grouping. It was exactly what we needed. It was UGLY!!!!! let me tell you, but such a weight off our chests. I think we have some great ideas of what we would like to do as a family in teaching our children certain things, like helping out and being a little more responsible so that they learn that we really all need to work together right now and Mommy and Daddy just can't do it all. They are old enough anyways, and guess what, back in the day, kids did WAY more than they ever do now. I want my kids to learn the value of working hard, pitching in and helping others and how important it is to serve. And that if we can work together as a family, there will be more time for fun because one person won't feel like they are trying to keep it all done. That was probably a little too personal to share, but I want to be open. And I am just so grateful that Ken finally did open up and get friggin' mad! IT'S about time!
On a more beautifully painted picture - we drifted into a still, snow laden little town I grew up in, huge flakes falling everywhere, it was absolutely beautiful, I can't even tell you how certain images seem to be healing and therapeutic for me. This was one of them. I love this little town in the winter, it is stunning. We came up to Dad and Mom's, unpacked the necessary things, ate, of course, why wouldn't we, we have been on a bender! And came up to bed on full tummies of 7 layer dip, muffins and chips.... ya, they are still sitting in my chest I think... I am excited to wash it down this morning with water maybe?? All day, and then a bag of celery... not sure yet.
It was so nice to actually sleep peacefully, in the home I grew up in. I drifted off, looking out across the street at the glow of the light against the neighbors house, which roof line is caked with thick snow. It made me smile. It made me thankful. It made me cry. Everything makes me cry right now. Ken's still sleeping. I would be but heart burn has set in so I am done. But I am grateful that I had a GOOD 7.5 hours of restful sleep.
Today we are heading the rest of the way home. We have a lot to do to get ready for Monday. Ken needs to get some time in at work and pick up some things. He, which I am so thankful for, is coming over for the surgery as well as the kids and my Mom and Dad. I just want them to be there. When I am awake I just want to look into their eyes and know they are there. I just want to be able to have hugs from those that I love and see them smile at me. I just need them. So we'll probably be there for another week. I will most likely be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, depending on how well I do, I am hoping for 4. I hate hospitals, especially sharing rooms. And then maybe we'll have one day at the condo before we head back home.
Like I said, then I will have a few weeks off for recovery and then Mom and I will head back over to Kelowna for full brain radiation, and then hopefully from there straight off to Vancouver for the stereotactic (more pin point) radiation to clean up the back and zap those two smaller spots on the right side. Dr. Neuro doesn't think he will be able to get those ones as one is too small and you have to be able to see it on the CT to go after it and it only shows up on the MRI - he MAY be able to get the other one, but if not, those two little spots with just be radiated.
I think I still feel ok about everything. Like I said before, I just feel like it is completely out of my hands and at this point you pretty much just do what people tell you they think is best for you. I have to trust that this is all happening the way that it should. I don't have time or energy right now to research anything else, it's just going to happen the way it is supposed to happen.
So we will be home until Saturday, my Mom and Dad Atwood are going to stay with us for a few days to help us get organized to get ready to go and then we will be heading back out here Saturday, to get to Kelowna by Sunday, so we can be set up and at the hospital by Monday am! I think I have given you most of the details that we have. That was a long post, sorry about that. Again, thank you for your concern for our family and love across the distances. We certainly feel it from everywhere.
I am not sure who will be blogging next. I hope Ken will keep you apprised of the situations as we go through them, I actually hope that I feel great enough to be able to blog about it. Probably not so much on surgery day or the day after, but soon after. Heartfelt gratitude to you all.
Surgery is set up for Monday morning most likely at 6am. It will be a 3-5 hour surgery and I will most likely be in the ICU for 2 days after to just to be watched carefully for infection and making sure that my heart is doing ok and everything else is functioning like it should. Ken wanted to know if he should be buying me bibs and such... normally I would think he was really funny, but exhaustion just added to sadness and frustration for me at that point. I smiled when I had to yesterday, and laughed when I thought it was a good time to show people that I am not worried, but I was on total overload yesterday. I think my big, saggy steroid cheeks hung down like the jowls of a huge boxer all day long. I HATE looking at me right now.
After we saw Dr. Neuro, we ran to the Cancer Center to talk to our Oncologist there. She wants to keep me on the same medicine that I am currently on - WHICH WAS AMAZING NEWS and add another drug that usually works better with getting into the brain blood barrier.... that wording seems to come up a lot. There aren't really a lot of drugs that are effective in doing that. She is not sure how well it will work, but we are going to give it a try. They are both pill form, so I will be able to continue to take them at home and I really believe that I will have minimal side effects, not like being on the hard core stuff. I won't loose my hair - well, with the chemo anyways, we know that's coming off with radiation, but my hair will come back on the chemo. And I have already been on the one drug for 3 months now anyways and can function just fine so I have no worries. Well, that is a bit of a fib, this other drug is hard on your heart. It is crazy what all this crap really does to your body. You damage something to keep something else going.
Have to admit, I, probably more so than we, didn't want to talk prognosis or anything even close to that because I will surpass every date and time I will ever be told. I am in NO way trying to be cocky or think I am something special, I just really believe that something great is going to happen. But, there weren't a lot of smiles of "this is going to be ok" "your going to do well" "long term success". You get really good at reading peoples eyes especially when the look sad and don't maintain eye contact with you very long. I just have to go off on my own little path and make up my own blueprint for our families future. I am not going to be a statistic. I am going to be me, for how ever long that is! And honestly, just let the rest melt away. That is hard, I am not going to lie, but I just can't live my life in that head space. I just need to keep planning for my future life with my family and me a part of it.
I was told that I need to stop taking all my supplements for now because no one is sure if any of them are blood thinners and they don't want me bleeding out in surgery. Makes sense, but like I told Ken, it's just really hard to stop doing what I truly believe in and change EVERYTHING it seems for a little while. I asked about still being able to juice and they "thought" that should be fine. Just so crazy! It's healthy for crying out loud. So yesterday was my absolute last binge day and I am going to get this body as ready as it can through celery, broccoli, green drinks, smoothies, soups and anything healthy I can chuck in my gob, to prepare for Monday. I know that isn't a lot of time, but I still feel like a good 5 days will serve me well. And then eating as well as I can post surgery until I can get back home and get full tilt again. I just can't tell you how much I believe in the nutrition aspect of things. You wouldn't be able to tell that from looking at me right now because I have seriously gained 13 pounds... I feel like I am in a blow up fat suit. It comes on so quickly.
But! Dr. M did say that I could lower my Dex dose down to 2 pills a day so that was nice. He was even joking with us when he was showing us the images on the MRI at his desk. He had a pack of digestive cookies beside his computer and he looked over at me and picked them up and moved them and said, "I've seen you people on Dex." I laughed and told him "I didn't want his stale clinic cookies for a crap snack, I want a cinnamon bun the size of my arse covered in 4 inches of frosting." He laughed too!
After our meeting with Dr. T we headed out for lunch with a new friend of ours. Ken has met her from work. She is such a doll. One of those people who you feel like you know forever. I just felt really badly because we had to order early before she got there, and start eating because our next appointment was at the hospital for pre-surgical screening. But we got in a nice quick lunch and visit, we'll see her when we are back this coming week.
We rushed out the restaurant and down to the hospital. Were asked a million questions about previous surgeries and how things had gone. Then we waited to speak with the anesthesiologist who noted my heart mummer so he wanted an EEG? EKG? done. Like he said, there is a little hole there, and I just want to know what is flowing where before we do this so that if something happens after we know what it was like before. Smart enough answer for me! Then I had blood work done in case a transfusion is needed and I have to wear a little pink bracelet for the next 28 days. We were at the hospital from 1-3:30ish. Like I said, no time to stop really for anything at all.
We came out and it was snowing like crazy! Although we were tired, Ken decided that he wanted to get the first leg of the trip out of the way and make it back to Dad and Mom's for the night. So we quickly hit up Costco for all the essential bulk needs and shoved the car full. Seriously, packed. Like no room left at all. But we have enough TP for a few months!!!! That always make me happy, and paper towel, and laundry soap... you know, the wired stuff you don't ever really want to be without?!
We raced back to the hotel, threw all our crap together... well, Ken did. I ate some more, I just crave granny smith apples and almond butter and it makes me happy, plus I knew that if I did that it would help out immensely with the amount of room we would have in the car. Ken made sandwiches for us for supper and Dad for the next few days at work, we hit up Timmy's to bring some muffins home for Dad for breakfasts and then we hit the road.
It snowed like crazy the entire way to Dad and Mom's. Our average speed was 74kms but that was safe and it took us 4 3/4 hours to get here which wasn't so bad considering the road conditions. And it was pretty quite other than some semi's and plows, we were pretty much the only ones on the road. It was a good drive.
We finally had a REAL conversation about our life, complete with yelling, crying, frustration, stress, swearing, unloading, and re-grouping. It was exactly what we needed. It was UGLY!!!!! let me tell you, but such a weight off our chests. I think we have some great ideas of what we would like to do as a family in teaching our children certain things, like helping out and being a little more responsible so that they learn that we really all need to work together right now and Mommy and Daddy just can't do it all. They are old enough anyways, and guess what, back in the day, kids did WAY more than they ever do now. I want my kids to learn the value of working hard, pitching in and helping others and how important it is to serve. And that if we can work together as a family, there will be more time for fun because one person won't feel like they are trying to keep it all done. That was probably a little too personal to share, but I want to be open. And I am just so grateful that Ken finally did open up and get friggin' mad! IT'S about time!
On a more beautifully painted picture - we drifted into a still, snow laden little town I grew up in, huge flakes falling everywhere, it was absolutely beautiful, I can't even tell you how certain images seem to be healing and therapeutic for me. This was one of them. I love this little town in the winter, it is stunning. We came up to Dad and Mom's, unpacked the necessary things, ate, of course, why wouldn't we, we have been on a bender! And came up to bed on full tummies of 7 layer dip, muffins and chips.... ya, they are still sitting in my chest I think... I am excited to wash it down this morning with water maybe?? All day, and then a bag of celery... not sure yet.
It was so nice to actually sleep peacefully, in the home I grew up in. I drifted off, looking out across the street at the glow of the light against the neighbors house, which roof line is caked with thick snow. It made me smile. It made me thankful. It made me cry. Everything makes me cry right now. Ken's still sleeping. I would be but heart burn has set in so I am done. But I am grateful that I had a GOOD 7.5 hours of restful sleep.
Today we are heading the rest of the way home. We have a lot to do to get ready for Monday. Ken needs to get some time in at work and pick up some things. He, which I am so thankful for, is coming over for the surgery as well as the kids and my Mom and Dad. I just want them to be there. When I am awake I just want to look into their eyes and know they are there. I just want to be able to have hugs from those that I love and see them smile at me. I just need them. So we'll probably be there for another week. I will most likely be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, depending on how well I do, I am hoping for 4. I hate hospitals, especially sharing rooms. And then maybe we'll have one day at the condo before we head back home.
Like I said, then I will have a few weeks off for recovery and then Mom and I will head back over to Kelowna for full brain radiation, and then hopefully from there straight off to Vancouver for the stereotactic (more pin point) radiation to clean up the back and zap those two smaller spots on the right side. Dr. Neuro doesn't think he will be able to get those ones as one is too small and you have to be able to see it on the CT to go after it and it only shows up on the MRI - he MAY be able to get the other one, but if not, those two little spots with just be radiated.
I think I still feel ok about everything. Like I said before, I just feel like it is completely out of my hands and at this point you pretty much just do what people tell you they think is best for you. I have to trust that this is all happening the way that it should. I don't have time or energy right now to research anything else, it's just going to happen the way it is supposed to happen.
So we will be home until Saturday, my Mom and Dad Atwood are going to stay with us for a few days to help us get organized to get ready to go and then we will be heading back out here Saturday, to get to Kelowna by Sunday, so we can be set up and at the hospital by Monday am! I think I have given you most of the details that we have. That was a long post, sorry about that. Again, thank you for your concern for our family and love across the distances. We certainly feel it from everywhere.
I am not sure who will be blogging next. I hope Ken will keep you apprised of the situations as we go through them, I actually hope that I feel great enough to be able to blog about it. Probably not so much on surgery day or the day after, but soon after. Heartfelt gratitude to you all.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Lots to take in.
Well, we finally got some answers today... a mixed bag of crap... some good news, some bad news. Let's just start with the crappier stuff and get it over with.
There are two tumors at my cerebellum. We also found from the MRI that there are another two tumors on the right side of my head, they are however small and we did find out that mostly everything is operable. W.O.W. Surgery... on, my one and only brain. Whatever, we have heard that the neurosurgeon here in Kelowna is amazing. So, I still feel like we are in good hands. Honestly, at this point, there aren't really any options except to do what everyone feels like is going to be the best possible circumstance that we are dealing with. When Dr. M walked into the room to talk to us today he said, "Well, we've got a row to hoe." Another word he used was that brain tumors, once metastasized are "pesky", meaning, we are never really going to be in the clear. I like to still believe in the miracle aspect of this life and I don't for one moment think that anything is impossible.
Our day tomorrow will start off with the neurosurgeon. We will discuss surgery and side effects from surgery. Dr. M said that I will probably have two to three weeks off between surgery and then we will do a low dose of radiation on my whole brain here in Kelowna, then we will be off to Vancouver for a more centralized treatment on the two spots in the cerebellum - as "mop up" or "clean up" crew. Crazy way of explaining it, but, that's what it is. I was under the impression that all 4 locations can be taken care of, Ken was under the understanding that the two bigger ones can be removed and we will just have radiation on the two smaller ones on the right side. They are really tiny, like under 5mm's. I am just thankful for an MRI that revealed that we were actually dealing with a little bit more than we thought we were, now we can just do it all up at the same time.
Some of the more common side effects, but we will find out more tomorrow, are a bit of problems with short term memory loss, problems concentrating and I will be wiped out. Dr. M said that he has had people that have gone back to work pretty quickly, but usually peter out and need to take time off to recoup. Makes perfect sense to me!
The one tumor at my cerebellum is quite large but he said it was fluid filled, more swelling in it than tumor, you could see that from looking at the MRI. So it is actually not as large as a mass as we originally thought. Good, I guess. The other one, I can't really remember, I tried my best. It was still there anyways.
Some of the good news is that the little spots that we were looking at originally have cleared up, meaning, those little places that they "thought" might be tumors springing up, aren't, most likely fluid build up. So that was great news. Also, my spinal column is clear. There were no tumors present which it also great news.
The full brain radiation will cause all of my hair to fall out again, about 2-3 weeks after treatment and will take about 2-3 months for it to start to grow back in again. I was sad about this ONLY because, I was hoping that we would just kind of be able to blow through this without having to give the kids too much information, but such will not be the case. But I don't want them to be afraid, because I am not.... yet anyways. So we are just going to have to be open and honest, and not talk about dying.... because I am not going there anytime soon! I think they know that something is up anyways. W took a call from a doctor today and he seemed a little questioned as to why they were calling us. The kids are wondering when we are coming home, and now we are just going to have to get on our knees and pray for the best way to tell them what is happening and reassure them that this is just what we need to do and we will get through it just like we have everything else.... together, with each other, family, the Lord, friends and prayer.
I still feel at peace, probably because this is completely out of our hands and in the hands of our Father. I feel like I know that the decisions that are being made are best for us and I have to trust in that.
Dr. M did say, which was very encouraging, was women who take care of themselves, stay active and strong and healthy have, obviously, a much better quality of life - I am just factoring out the quantity... none of us know, and I honestly just want to live and not worry about "THE END". SO DOOM AND GLOOM, but seriously, I just can't even picture myself there.
That's about all I have for tonight. I am completely exhausted and somewhat relieved now at least we have a BIT of an action plan. Of course we will know more tomorrow after meeting with Dr. Neuro. We will fill you in again after that. Ken wanted to wait until tomorrow once we had more information, but I know some of you like us, may even love us and have been just as anxious as to what the heck is happening so I wanted to give you as much as we had today.
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support and love from everywhere!!!! So redundant, but we mean it from every fiber of our beings. May God bless you all and may you feel of our love and appreciation for you, all of you, no matter where you are.
There are two tumors at my cerebellum. We also found from the MRI that there are another two tumors on the right side of my head, they are however small and we did find out that mostly everything is operable. W.O.W. Surgery... on, my one and only brain. Whatever, we have heard that the neurosurgeon here in Kelowna is amazing. So, I still feel like we are in good hands. Honestly, at this point, there aren't really any options except to do what everyone feels like is going to be the best possible circumstance that we are dealing with. When Dr. M walked into the room to talk to us today he said, "Well, we've got a row to hoe." Another word he used was that brain tumors, once metastasized are "pesky", meaning, we are never really going to be in the clear. I like to still believe in the miracle aspect of this life and I don't for one moment think that anything is impossible.
Our day tomorrow will start off with the neurosurgeon. We will discuss surgery and side effects from surgery. Dr. M said that I will probably have two to three weeks off between surgery and then we will do a low dose of radiation on my whole brain here in Kelowna, then we will be off to Vancouver for a more centralized treatment on the two spots in the cerebellum - as "mop up" or "clean up" crew. Crazy way of explaining it, but, that's what it is. I was under the impression that all 4 locations can be taken care of, Ken was under the understanding that the two bigger ones can be removed and we will just have radiation on the two smaller ones on the right side. They are really tiny, like under 5mm's. I am just thankful for an MRI that revealed that we were actually dealing with a little bit more than we thought we were, now we can just do it all up at the same time.
Some of the more common side effects, but we will find out more tomorrow, are a bit of problems with short term memory loss, problems concentrating and I will be wiped out. Dr. M said that he has had people that have gone back to work pretty quickly, but usually peter out and need to take time off to recoup. Makes perfect sense to me!
The one tumor at my cerebellum is quite large but he said it was fluid filled, more swelling in it than tumor, you could see that from looking at the MRI. So it is actually not as large as a mass as we originally thought. Good, I guess. The other one, I can't really remember, I tried my best. It was still there anyways.
Some of the good news is that the little spots that we were looking at originally have cleared up, meaning, those little places that they "thought" might be tumors springing up, aren't, most likely fluid build up. So that was great news. Also, my spinal column is clear. There were no tumors present which it also great news.
The full brain radiation will cause all of my hair to fall out again, about 2-3 weeks after treatment and will take about 2-3 months for it to start to grow back in again. I was sad about this ONLY because, I was hoping that we would just kind of be able to blow through this without having to give the kids too much information, but such will not be the case. But I don't want them to be afraid, because I am not.... yet anyways. So we are just going to have to be open and honest, and not talk about dying.... because I am not going there anytime soon! I think they know that something is up anyways. W took a call from a doctor today and he seemed a little questioned as to why they were calling us. The kids are wondering when we are coming home, and now we are just going to have to get on our knees and pray for the best way to tell them what is happening and reassure them that this is just what we need to do and we will get through it just like we have everything else.... together, with each other, family, the Lord, friends and prayer.
I still feel at peace, probably because this is completely out of our hands and in the hands of our Father. I feel like I know that the decisions that are being made are best for us and I have to trust in that.
Dr. M did say, which was very encouraging, was women who take care of themselves, stay active and strong and healthy have, obviously, a much better quality of life - I am just factoring out the quantity... none of us know, and I honestly just want to live and not worry about "THE END". SO DOOM AND GLOOM, but seriously, I just can't even picture myself there.
That's about all I have for tonight. I am completely exhausted and somewhat relieved now at least we have a BIT of an action plan. Of course we will know more tomorrow after meeting with Dr. Neuro. We will fill you in again after that. Ken wanted to wait until tomorrow once we had more information, but I know some of you like us, may even love us and have been just as anxious as to what the heck is happening so I wanted to give you as much as we had today.
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support and love from everywhere!!!! So redundant, but we mean it from every fiber of our beings. May God bless you all and may you feel of our love and appreciation for you, all of you, no matter where you are.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Before I forget.
Alright, I just read my GF's latest blog post and cried and cried for feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to do this a few days ago but I just haven't had the time or the energy. So I am going to do it now.
CHRISTMAS 2012!
I, like always, wanted the tree up early and ready to go, you know, like November 1st. Halloween down, Christmas up! It took me a few days to get it all ready, but I did. Nothing makes me happier than when the house is all cozy for Christmas. It's warm, smells good and just makes you want to snuggle into one another.
It always seems that Christmas runs together so quickly and then it is over before you know it. Then there is that post Christmas downer when you know you have to wait until next year to do it all over again and wait for that magic to happen. Just because this year was so crazy, I just wanted it to come so slowly so we could enjoy every moment. But, in a flash, it was here!
But I want to focus on the good of this Christmas we had. We did our second annual tree hunt with some friends of ours and this year we found the PERFECT ponderosa pine. I found it right away, and it was beautiful. We chopped it down and drug it down the hill on the snowmobile, Ken tied it to the car and we headed home with it. We had so much fun putting it up and letting the little ones decorate it. Their tiny fingers trying to get the ornaments hung over the branches, those little moments that a Mommy holds dear to her heart.
After the tree was up, we started a fire and played a really fun game of Life. The lights were low, the kids had pop and treats and we laughed and played. It was a really perfect evening. C had a bit of a nap so he finally woke up and then was ready to play until like 11:30pm.... the rest of us were done though. I think he slept on our bedroom floor that night. Oh well.
The kids had a camp out on the boys bedroom floor the entire time of the Christmas break. I think they had a lot of fun taking turns sleeping in the top bunk, the bottom bunk and on the floor. They were so good and I loved looking in on there in their tiny refugee camp in the evening before Ken and I went to bed. Of course stealing kisses and snuggles and a brush of their forehead before we retired for the night.
My Mom and Dad in Law came out few days before Christmas and we had some fun with them. They headed out to Vancouver for about a week and then came back to our place on the 23rd. They stayed for Christmas which was really nice. Mom and Dad got Christmas dinner ready for us on the 24th, (my tradition - that way the 25th is free and clear to do whatever we want and not have to make a huge supper and have me be in the kitchen all day long). We had decided that that day we would go sledding with some friends of ours and have some fun. We sure did! It took us forever to get fire going, the kids were getting cold at times, but all in all the hot dogs finally warmed up and we had a good time.
We got home, and started with our Christmas supper. After dinner we read the Christmas story from the Bible and once again told how sacred the story of our Savior's birth really is to us. It was so special as we looked at pictures and just talked as a family.
Then we cleaned up from supper and got our treat platter ready... THE most important thing of Christmas Eve I think. After that, the kids opening their clean Christmas Jammies and a game (a tradition we stole from the Hall family and has brought us so much fun over the past few years!) and we played Jr. Headbands. C was a bit of a stinker and kept telling everyone what they were. But it was still cute.
Once we finished up the game we headed downstairs to watch Polar Express. It is another one of our family traditions and I just love it - even though it is kind of a different movie. The kids are always way to excited to sleep after watching it but it was late and they did ok.
Just before bed the kids and I headed upstairs to get some egg nog, cookies and carrots out for the night crew that was going to be flying in at some point. A few years ago, one of the kids spilled egg nog all over the freshly cleaned floor and I was annoyed, but this year they were very careful to not do that... just reminded me of what was really important and if it did happen, it was just another memory... that is all that really matters, is the memories we make. After we got all of Santa's stuff ready, it was hugs and kisses and off to bed. They were so excited, and so was I.
Mom, Dad, Ken and I finished up all the last minute details and I think we finally crawled into bed around 12:30pm... pretty early for us on Christmas Eve night. I loved walking slowly to our bedroom, looking at everything in it's perfect place and waiting excitedly for the pitter patter of fast feet up the stairs in the morning. I woke up at 4:30am to go to the washroom and I wasn't sure if I would be able to fall back asleep and wait for the kids to finally rouse, but I did. At 7:15 4 sets of feet came clamoring up the stairs! W and K. They headed straight for the tree and found their highly anticipated Santa gifts. They were so excited. Ken told them to come into our room and look at them until C finally got up.
I went out to the kitchen and within 15 minutes, a crazy haired little boy wrapped in a Spidey blanket finally showed his sleepy face at the top of the stairs. He wandered over to the tree and just stared blankly for a while. I asked him if he saw what Santa brought him, but he said no. I showed him the Storm Trooper mask and the Light Saber that actually lit up. I think he was excited then! More excited when he found the chocolate in his stocking, which, like always, filled his little cheeks all morning long.
Mom and Dad came up and we started opening gifts. It was so nice to just take out time and really enjoy watching the kids have some fun. My favorite part of the day.
Then we had a delicious and huge breakfast of sausages, eggs, French toast with butter milk syrup and bacon. It was not healthy at all, but it was amazing! And I PIGGED out! I was really tired after all of this so I decided to lay down for a while. I thought I would take a 20 minute power nap, but it turned into an almost three hour sleep. I must have needed it. Ken put a movie on for the kids and he had a nap too downstairs and Mom and Dad as well. It was just a really great day. I loved every moment of it.
Mom and Dad Atwood left on boxing day I think and Manny and the girls came up. Earlier in the day we met up with more friends at Idlewild to take the little ones sledding again. You can never spend too much time outside and it made me feel good to get out of the house. My Mom and Dad came out on the 27th for a few days as well. I am so thankful that we were all almost together for the holidays. We just relaxed, watched movies, talked, cried, laughed and laughed some more. We took the kids sledding down at the school, one of our favorite things to do with them because the school is so close. Manny's kids sure had a lot of fun as did ours. Little V was just ripping it up on the hill. S loved the snowmobile a little more than actually sledding though. That night we had a dance party with the kids and then some relaxation time to settle them down afterwards.
One of the most important things that I needed to do over the holidays was get over to the Cardston Temple. I just needed to feel the peace of leaving every care at the front of the door. We were surrounded by as much family as could join us and it was a very special time for our family. We were hoping to be able to spend the next few days in Lethbridge visiting and hanging out, but we had appointments to get to all over the place.
That is the only thing that I was sad about. I just wanted to spend more time with the family and the kids and relaxing and laughing. I can't tell you how thankful and how blessed I am to be born and married into the family that I belong to. I fall back on them all when I feel I can go no further. They are ALWAYS there for us, no matter what or where or whenever we need them. They always know what to say and what to do and how to help. There has never been a second thought into helping us out in a split second. I love you all so very much, I wish I could express how much, but there aren't words to express such deep gratitude and love that I have for each and every one of you. Thank you for keeping us going, thank you for loving us in this incredibly hard journey, thank you for helping us focus and remain faithful. Thank you for your prayers and your love and your understanding. Thank you for being such a part in our lives that we couldn't do it without you all.
And again, thank you to all of those of you who pray for us and think of us daily. We pray for you and your well being. We pray for you and your families and we know that we would not be here without your concern for us. We pray that your hearts are happy and light and full of peace amidst your own struggles and trials. I wish there was more we could do for you, but just know that we love you and our prayers for you are just as important as your prayers for us.
Thank you for making this Christmas so special in so many, many ways. Thank you for making me realize that I have much more to be grateful for than ungrateful. Thank you for making me realize that there are miracles around every corner, even if it is just a smile or a hug.
CHRISTMAS 2012!
I, like always, wanted the tree up early and ready to go, you know, like November 1st. Halloween down, Christmas up! It took me a few days to get it all ready, but I did. Nothing makes me happier than when the house is all cozy for Christmas. It's warm, smells good and just makes you want to snuggle into one another.
It always seems that Christmas runs together so quickly and then it is over before you know it. Then there is that post Christmas downer when you know you have to wait until next year to do it all over again and wait for that magic to happen. Just because this year was so crazy, I just wanted it to come so slowly so we could enjoy every moment. But, in a flash, it was here!
But I want to focus on the good of this Christmas we had. We did our second annual tree hunt with some friends of ours and this year we found the PERFECT ponderosa pine. I found it right away, and it was beautiful. We chopped it down and drug it down the hill on the snowmobile, Ken tied it to the car and we headed home with it. We had so much fun putting it up and letting the little ones decorate it. Their tiny fingers trying to get the ornaments hung over the branches, those little moments that a Mommy holds dear to her heart.
After the tree was up, we started a fire and played a really fun game of Life. The lights were low, the kids had pop and treats and we laughed and played. It was a really perfect evening. C had a bit of a nap so he finally woke up and then was ready to play until like 11:30pm.... the rest of us were done though. I think he slept on our bedroom floor that night. Oh well.
The kids had a camp out on the boys bedroom floor the entire time of the Christmas break. I think they had a lot of fun taking turns sleeping in the top bunk, the bottom bunk and on the floor. They were so good and I loved looking in on there in their tiny refugee camp in the evening before Ken and I went to bed. Of course stealing kisses and snuggles and a brush of their forehead before we retired for the night.
My Mom and Dad in Law came out few days before Christmas and we had some fun with them. They headed out to Vancouver for about a week and then came back to our place on the 23rd. They stayed for Christmas which was really nice. Mom and Dad got Christmas dinner ready for us on the 24th, (my tradition - that way the 25th is free and clear to do whatever we want and not have to make a huge supper and have me be in the kitchen all day long). We had decided that that day we would go sledding with some friends of ours and have some fun. We sure did! It took us forever to get fire going, the kids were getting cold at times, but all in all the hot dogs finally warmed up and we had a good time.
We got home, and started with our Christmas supper. After dinner we read the Christmas story from the Bible and once again told how sacred the story of our Savior's birth really is to us. It was so special as we looked at pictures and just talked as a family.
Then we cleaned up from supper and got our treat platter ready... THE most important thing of Christmas Eve I think. After that, the kids opening their clean Christmas Jammies and a game (a tradition we stole from the Hall family and has brought us so much fun over the past few years!) and we played Jr. Headbands. C was a bit of a stinker and kept telling everyone what they were. But it was still cute.
Once we finished up the game we headed downstairs to watch Polar Express. It is another one of our family traditions and I just love it - even though it is kind of a different movie. The kids are always way to excited to sleep after watching it but it was late and they did ok.
Just before bed the kids and I headed upstairs to get some egg nog, cookies and carrots out for the night crew that was going to be flying in at some point. A few years ago, one of the kids spilled egg nog all over the freshly cleaned floor and I was annoyed, but this year they were very careful to not do that... just reminded me of what was really important and if it did happen, it was just another memory... that is all that really matters, is the memories we make. After we got all of Santa's stuff ready, it was hugs and kisses and off to bed. They were so excited, and so was I.
Mom, Dad, Ken and I finished up all the last minute details and I think we finally crawled into bed around 12:30pm... pretty early for us on Christmas Eve night. I loved walking slowly to our bedroom, looking at everything in it's perfect place and waiting excitedly for the pitter patter of fast feet up the stairs in the morning. I woke up at 4:30am to go to the washroom and I wasn't sure if I would be able to fall back asleep and wait for the kids to finally rouse, but I did. At 7:15 4 sets of feet came clamoring up the stairs! W and K. They headed straight for the tree and found their highly anticipated Santa gifts. They were so excited. Ken told them to come into our room and look at them until C finally got up.
I went out to the kitchen and within 15 minutes, a crazy haired little boy wrapped in a Spidey blanket finally showed his sleepy face at the top of the stairs. He wandered over to the tree and just stared blankly for a while. I asked him if he saw what Santa brought him, but he said no. I showed him the Storm Trooper mask and the Light Saber that actually lit up. I think he was excited then! More excited when he found the chocolate in his stocking, which, like always, filled his little cheeks all morning long.
Mom and Dad came up and we started opening gifts. It was so nice to just take out time and really enjoy watching the kids have some fun. My favorite part of the day.
Then we had a delicious and huge breakfast of sausages, eggs, French toast with butter milk syrup and bacon. It was not healthy at all, but it was amazing! And I PIGGED out! I was really tired after all of this so I decided to lay down for a while. I thought I would take a 20 minute power nap, but it turned into an almost three hour sleep. I must have needed it. Ken put a movie on for the kids and he had a nap too downstairs and Mom and Dad as well. It was just a really great day. I loved every moment of it.
Mom and Dad Atwood left on boxing day I think and Manny and the girls came up. Earlier in the day we met up with more friends at Idlewild to take the little ones sledding again. You can never spend too much time outside and it made me feel good to get out of the house. My Mom and Dad came out on the 27th for a few days as well. I am so thankful that we were all almost together for the holidays. We just relaxed, watched movies, talked, cried, laughed and laughed some more. We took the kids sledding down at the school, one of our favorite things to do with them because the school is so close. Manny's kids sure had a lot of fun as did ours. Little V was just ripping it up on the hill. S loved the snowmobile a little more than actually sledding though. That night we had a dance party with the kids and then some relaxation time to settle them down afterwards.
One of the most important things that I needed to do over the holidays was get over to the Cardston Temple. I just needed to feel the peace of leaving every care at the front of the door. We were surrounded by as much family as could join us and it was a very special time for our family. We were hoping to be able to spend the next few days in Lethbridge visiting and hanging out, but we had appointments to get to all over the place.
That is the only thing that I was sad about. I just wanted to spend more time with the family and the kids and relaxing and laughing. I can't tell you how thankful and how blessed I am to be born and married into the family that I belong to. I fall back on them all when I feel I can go no further. They are ALWAYS there for us, no matter what or where or whenever we need them. They always know what to say and what to do and how to help. There has never been a second thought into helping us out in a split second. I love you all so very much, I wish I could express how much, but there aren't words to express such deep gratitude and love that I have for each and every one of you. Thank you for keeping us going, thank you for loving us in this incredibly hard journey, thank you for helping us focus and remain faithful. Thank you for your prayers and your love and your understanding. Thank you for being such a part in our lives that we couldn't do it without you all.
And again, thank you to all of those of you who pray for us and think of us daily. We pray for you and your well being. We pray for you and your families and we know that we would not be here without your concern for us. We pray that your hearts are happy and light and full of peace amidst your own struggles and trials. I wish there was more we could do for you, but just know that we love you and our prayers for you are just as important as your prayers for us.
Thank you for making this Christmas so special in so many, many ways. Thank you for making me realize that I have much more to be grateful for than ungrateful. Thank you for making me realize that there are miracles around every corner, even if it is just a smile or a hug.
I just wanna cry.
I guess today I am not feeling so happy. I am miserable. I miss my kids. I miss feeling like me. I hate this foggy feeling in my head. I hate waiting for answers. I want to go home. I want to cry. I want to sleep. There are a lot of things I want right now I guess, but patience is just one of the things that I am going to have to try out.
I am bored in this hotel room. Ken is still sleeping. I have been up since 3:30am - yet again. So needless to say I am cranky and exhausted. I really can't explain how I feel. I just want to get started with things and get them over with so I can go home and re-claim normal. I don't even have a grasp on normal anymore.
Sorry I am down. I wish I could offer more to motivate and make you feel better, but I just can't do that right now. I can't find it in it for me currently, so I don't have it in it for you. I think it's just best if I shut off right now and try and find a few hours of sleep... I know that would help more than anything else.
I am bored in this hotel room. Ken is still sleeping. I have been up since 3:30am - yet again. So needless to say I am cranky and exhausted. I really can't explain how I feel. I just want to get started with things and get them over with so I can go home and re-claim normal. I don't even have a grasp on normal anymore.
Sorry I am down. I wish I could offer more to motivate and make you feel better, but I just can't do that right now. I can't find it in it for me currently, so I don't have it in it for you. I think it's just best if I shut off right now and try and find a few hours of sleep... I know that would help more than anything else.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
The kiss of Dex.
Well, as you can well imagine, I am a little annoyed at having to be back on steroids. I have spent the latter part of this year, rebuilding my body to be as healthy as it can be, and in just a few short days I feel like it has all gone to crap. I know I need the Dex right now so I just have to suck it up.
I have put on 10 pounds in 15 days. I had cheek bones 2 weeks ago... I honestly don't even know where they went. It is crazy how much your "landscape" can change almost over night. When I was talking to one nurse, she said, "You've already done this before. One hour your going to eat up the left side of the fridge and the next you'll be going down the right." Difference is!!! this time we got the fridge stocked right. It is FULL of cut of veggies and healthier options for when I feel like I need to shove something down my throat.
I have to remind myself that I am not really hungry all the time and that I was actually fulfilled on what I was eating before... that is the trick. And I am not going to lie, food always comes fast and tastes great to mask those inner feelings of self worthlessness. But I am trying not to dwell there. This is a short means to an end and I have to keep that in sight right now. But like I said, it is incredible to me to not even look like me after only a few short days.
Another beautiful side effect of the Dex is the 12 year old boy facial hair that I have springing up all over the place. Cancer really is not beautiful - ever! It is frustrating and sickening and annoying. I am fed up, but I would do it 10,000 times over just to be here. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. In the grander scheme of things, it doesn't really matter what I look like, but it sure is nice to feel like me.
And like you all know, sleeping has been an issue. Drugs help with that though and I think as long as I can get some decent rest, I can function alright. There is just so much happening up in my brain all the time that I wonder where it all comes from. I like escaping to sleep right now when I can because I can shut off and shut out.
Other than that, I think I am doing ok. I am not great. But great will come back. I have to run, we are headed out to clean the car and do some running around to feel what "normal" people feel like. Sorry for this mismatched rambling, but I just needed to let off some steam.
I have put on 10 pounds in 15 days. I had cheek bones 2 weeks ago... I honestly don't even know where they went. It is crazy how much your "landscape" can change almost over night. When I was talking to one nurse, she said, "You've already done this before. One hour your going to eat up the left side of the fridge and the next you'll be going down the right." Difference is!!! this time we got the fridge stocked right. It is FULL of cut of veggies and healthier options for when I feel like I need to shove something down my throat.
I have to remind myself that I am not really hungry all the time and that I was actually fulfilled on what I was eating before... that is the trick. And I am not going to lie, food always comes fast and tastes great to mask those inner feelings of self worthlessness. But I am trying not to dwell there. This is a short means to an end and I have to keep that in sight right now. But like I said, it is incredible to me to not even look like me after only a few short days.
Another beautiful side effect of the Dex is the 12 year old boy facial hair that I have springing up all over the place. Cancer really is not beautiful - ever! It is frustrating and sickening and annoying. I am fed up, but I would do it 10,000 times over just to be here. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. In the grander scheme of things, it doesn't really matter what I look like, but it sure is nice to feel like me.
And like you all know, sleeping has been an issue. Drugs help with that though and I think as long as I can get some decent rest, I can function alright. There is just so much happening up in my brain all the time that I wonder where it all comes from. I like escaping to sleep right now when I can because I can shut off and shut out.
Other than that, I think I am doing ok. I am not great. But great will come back. I have to run, we are headed out to clean the car and do some running around to feel what "normal" people feel like. Sorry for this mismatched rambling, but I just needed to let off some steam.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Quick update
This is all I have time for. The past few days have been... crazy! (is not even the word to describe it).
We did a quick trip, overnight to Lethbridge to go to the temple and have some fun with our family over there. Well, such is life, and it comes fast and furious. By the time we were out of the temple we had about 12 phone calls to have appointments set up all over the acre for us in the next 5 days.
We had some delicious supper, packed the care, left the kids and got home at midnight. I have not been sleeping so I have been up since 230am, out of bed since 430. We are heading in this morning for some blood work at the Cranny hospital, and then we will be dashing over to Kelowna for an MRI tomorrow at some point. I have an appointment with our Oncologist in Kelowna on the 8th and it seems that we will be starting some lower dose radiation on my full brain, followed by a more pin point approach to the crap at the back.
The MRI will give us a better idea of what is going on in there. I have full faith in Dr. M. I love this man and I think he is brilliant. I know I am in good hands and I am honestly not that worried. We gotta do what we gotta do. I just want to have as much brain function left when all is said and done. I don't think exhaustion is helping me deal with anything well at all. I would love to do down for a long winters nap at this point.
Again, I know this sounds redundant, but we just want to thank you for all of your love and prayers on our behalf. We are thankful for all the kindness that has been shown, people are so amazing!!! Thank you for the meals, offers to do anything anytime any place, help with our kids and our family, cooking, cleaning... everything. I can't wait for the day when I am healthy enough to pay it forward. Thank you for your encouragement and positivity... this is what we need!!
We will post more info once we have it. Love to you all and hope that your new year has started out brilliantly!!!
We did a quick trip, overnight to Lethbridge to go to the temple and have some fun with our family over there. Well, such is life, and it comes fast and furious. By the time we were out of the temple we had about 12 phone calls to have appointments set up all over the acre for us in the next 5 days.
We had some delicious supper, packed the care, left the kids and got home at midnight. I have not been sleeping so I have been up since 230am, out of bed since 430. We are heading in this morning for some blood work at the Cranny hospital, and then we will be dashing over to Kelowna for an MRI tomorrow at some point. I have an appointment with our Oncologist in Kelowna on the 8th and it seems that we will be starting some lower dose radiation on my full brain, followed by a more pin point approach to the crap at the back.
The MRI will give us a better idea of what is going on in there. I have full faith in Dr. M. I love this man and I think he is brilliant. I know I am in good hands and I am honestly not that worried. We gotta do what we gotta do. I just want to have as much brain function left when all is said and done. I don't think exhaustion is helping me deal with anything well at all. I would love to do down for a long winters nap at this point.
Again, I know this sounds redundant, but we just want to thank you for all of your love and prayers on our behalf. We are thankful for all the kindness that has been shown, people are so amazing!!! Thank you for the meals, offers to do anything anytime any place, help with our kids and our family, cooking, cleaning... everything. I can't wait for the day when I am healthy enough to pay it forward. Thank you for your encouragement and positivity... this is what we need!!
We will post more info once we have it. Love to you all and hope that your new year has started out brilliantly!!!
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