Saturday, January 5, 2013

The kiss of Dex.

Well, as you can well imagine, I am a little annoyed at having to be back on steroids.  I have spent the latter part of this year, rebuilding my body to be as healthy as it can be, and in just a few short days I feel like it has all gone to crap.  I know I need the Dex right now so I just have to suck it up.

I have put on 10 pounds in 15 days.  I had cheek bones 2 weeks ago... I honestly don't even know where they went.  It is crazy how much your "landscape" can change almost over night.  When I was talking to one nurse, she said, "You've already done this before.  One hour your going to eat up the left side of the fridge and the next you'll be going down the right."  Difference is!!! this time we got the fridge stocked right.  It is FULL of cut of veggies and healthier options for when I feel like I need to shove something down my throat.

I have to remind myself that I am not really hungry all the time and that I was actually fulfilled on what I was eating before... that is the trick.  And I am not going to lie, food always comes fast and tastes great to mask those inner feelings of self worthlessness.  But I am trying not to dwell there.  This is a short means to an end and I have to keep that in sight right now.  But like I said, it is incredible to me to not even look like me after only a few short days.

Another beautiful side effect of the Dex is the 12 year old boy facial hair that I have springing up all over the place.  Cancer really is not beautiful - ever!  It is frustrating and sickening and annoying.  I am fed up, but I would do it 10,000 times over just to be here.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  In the grander scheme of things, it doesn't really matter what I look like, but it sure is nice to feel like me.

And like you all know, sleeping has been an issue.  Drugs help with that though and I think as long as I can get some decent rest, I can function alright.  There is just so much happening up in my brain all the time that I wonder where it all comes from.  I like escaping to sleep right now when I can because I can shut off and shut out.

Other than that, I think I am doing ok.  I am not great.  But great will come back.  I have to run, we are headed out to clean the car and do some running around to feel what "normal" people feel like.  Sorry for this mismatched rambling, but I just needed to let off some steam.


  1. g you give me the strenght to lol and go on when my days seem bad . So know you help so many people by sharing . I didn't have the courage to do that ,i don't think i wanted to remember most of it . But i think your awesome and you will continue to do what you are to do . I stand all amazed at you . <3