Staying in the CCU.... not so great!

I have to be completely honesty with you.  Staying in the in the CCU was a bit of a traumatic experience for me.  I have a completely different outlook as to what theses amazing men and women have to deal with on a daily basis.  I realize that like in most professions, there are different kinds of care workers, but these CCU nurses really have a huge job.  Well, anyone in Health Care really does.

These men and women showed strength, the ability to make quick, fast, life saving decisions, compassions, love, concern, knowledge and amazing care.

Last night was a really bad night for me.  I was so tired and just wanted to sleep.  I felt that every single cell in my body was vibrating higher than any cell in the universe could at one possible time and I felt like I was going crazy. 

I switched from T3 to just extra strength Tylenol yesterday in hopes of cutting back on the caffinene intake (good advice Mom and Dad Atwood!!!).  But, was still on the Dex, no morphine though, but still fell like I was fully charged all the time and my head would literally NOT turn off.

Mom and C came up earlier in the day for a quick visit and then they headed out.  Later that evening, Dad and Ken and the Kids came up for a visit.  They left at about 8:30pm and I had every intention of turning OFF and resting the rest of the evening out.  I was honestly grateful that I was still in the CCU because I had my own PRIVATE room.  I wouldn't get that anywhere else in the hospital.

Why I found it so hard to be there was most people there are very, VERY sick.  They, honestly, some of them, didn't even know where they were or how they got there.  Over the past 4 days I saw many a person come in and all you cold see was their eyes.  Nothing else, as they were all bundled up with all of this life saving force, energy and teams around them to help them make it.  It was very real for me.  It made me realize that what I was going through was most certainly not as serious as it could have been.

A few of the people were in for, (I probably shouldn't even say, but I don't know them and all I could do was pray for peace for them.... I felt so helpless)  car accident trauma, hypothermia, a few heart attacks.   I remember groggily on Monday evening one of the nurses saying to an elderly man, "You had a heart attack at church on Sunday.  Your family has all been up to see you."  He was having a hard time too!  Can you imagine going about a regular day and then just waking up and not even knowing what was happening to you or where you even were??  At least I knew.

It is very busy in there most of the time.  There are monitors going off all the time as everybody, including my own, vitals are being monitored around the clock.  Then when they can clear out a room, if they can, they do and quickly prep for another person to come flying down the halls for extra TLC. 

Tuesday morning when I was a little more "with it" I remember looking out my window, across the hall at another man.... again, all I could see was eyes, and a barrage of IV bags in different colors, like 25 I swear, hanging all over this pole and him just laying there.  It broke my heart.  Like I said, it makes me very emotional and it was very hard on me.

I wondered how many, many special people had passed away within the walls of these units.  I thought of one of my high school friends who we were told if he made it through the night he would probably be ok.  D did make it through that night, but eventually  passed away.  It was just so real.  I wondered of all the angles who wandered the halls there, comforting people and families from Heaven and from earth.... like I said, those nurses are amazing.

Anyways, so last night, with my body freaking on every cellular level and my brain on complete overload, I decided I would do some journaling to calm myself down and reflect and be thankful.  Plus, I was trying to line up all the different drug times that I would need to take something and I had complete anxiety about falling asleep for 15 minutes to be awakened to have to take something and then try and fall back asleep again.  14 pages later and around 10:30pm, I decided it was time for lights out and brain off as best I could.  I currently have a clicking noise that goes on in my head that will resolve but it is very strange and I can feel it behind my eyes, so it freaks me out a little.

I was praying.... hard for me and for the people in there.  I wanted them to feel comfort.  I wanted them to feel safe and loved and not alone.  I knew it was going to take me a long time to settle my body down so I wasn't all that stressed about trying to get to sleep, just more relaxed than anything.  My nurse wasn't coming back in until 12:00am for a check up and more meds so I knew I could probably get in a good hour and a half of rest or whatever until it was time again. 

I literally had just dozed off and a poor man started freaking out.  "Someone anyone, f-ing help me!!!!  F!!!! Someone Help ME!!!!!"  Over and over and over and over and over and over again for like 20 minutes.  One of the nurses yelled, "Can we drop some Ativan?"  I was like, HELL YA IN MY ROOM!!!  Sorry for the language, I was just very distraught by this point.  Then, because honestly people, we are all connected, heart monitors started going off all over the place.  Everyone was just going.  It was crazy.  Again, all I could do was pray.

My nurse finally came in again and noticed I was crying.  I was trying to be a big girl, be appreciative of my own private room and a place to sleep where I was cared for and looked after, but exhaustion and nerves had taken over and I was a complete and utter mess.  I just wanted to call Ken and have him come up and slip behind me in the bed with me and hold me until I feel asleep and then stay with me all night.  But, I know he needed a good sleep to and there was no sense in both of us sleeping crappy just so I could have a few hours of calm. 

They don't like to give brain patients "stuff'" because they don't want to mask any problems that might arise with their care.  But after my nurse saw me, she said, "Sweetie, I'll call the doctor and we'll see if we can get you an Ativan."  I had some right there in my baggie, but I told her about them the day before and I didn't want to jeopardize my health by taking something foolishly.  She was so good to me.... they all were so good to me.  I took the Ativan, and took probably another hour to fall asleep, but I did and I slept for 3-4 good hours.  It was amazing!!  And it was pretty quiet the rest of the evening.  Well, nothing happened to greatly to cause me any concern.  And then I was up and at it by 7:30am this morning again.  I had a plan.

I just wanted to say how thankful that I was for the care that I received there.  It was truly a testament of love from these people who would literally do anything for you, at the press of a button or a call.... whatever you needed, they made you feel like you were important and deserved it.  I just have so much respect for their humanity, gentleness and compassion.  I will never forget it.  Well, I hope I forget the feeling of the awful that was there, but not the rest.