Thursday, January 10, 2013

The inability to sleep and the need to blab on and on...

Apparently I can't get enough words in lately.  I have just had so much that I feel like I want to share with you.  And I am feeling that it is positive and I feel that is very important.  I wanted to write down another few paragraphs from a book that I have quoted form before.  I feel it hits my nail directly right on the head and I wanted to share that with you.

Again, I am exhausted and should be sleeping, but the drugs haven't kicked in yet so I'll just keep going like a mad fool until I fall asleep sitting up in bed and then have a huge sore on my arse because I should have just layed, (first sign, that is not a word), I believe you actually spell it "laid" down.

Moving right along before it gets any worse.

"In trying times, Just Keep Trying!"

Merrilee is talking about becoming humble or rather the gift of humility.  She talks about watching these people who are humble and wondering how to get there herself.... just like I have so many times before in my life.

"I worked to eliminate the pride issues in my life, but somehow couldn't figure out how to acquire such Christlike humility.

And then my challenges and experiences started.  As they began to multiply, I began to ponder and study the description of humility I found in the scriptures"

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."  (Mosiah 3:19)

"I knew this scripture held the key for me to understand humility.  What I have come to realize is that a child submits to his father because he loves his father.  And he knows for a surety that his father loves him.  The child submits because he knows that everything his father does is in his best interest.

As each successive trial came and increased my burdens, I groaned under the weight of it all.  Day after day, I bowed my head in submission to my Lord.  Day after day, I relied on His love.

Each new experience brought me new pain, new suffering.  But each experience also brought the comfort of the Holy Ghost and the promptings to yield to the will of the Lord.  Each time I was encouraged to let go of the control.  Let go of the fear.  And trust, just completely trust.

I realized that my heart was changing.

Each experience demanded that I once again dig deep.  I knew that my Heavenly Father knew me and loved me.  I knew my Savior did as well  I knew that every singe experience they had designed for my earthly experience was for my good and were motivated by love for me.

And as the trust and love came, I chose to be submissive and humble.  Not only was I willing to endure the will of the Lord, it became my desire.  I wanted His will to be done in my life.  Even if that meant that I would endure pain and experience traumatic things, I wanted His will to be done.  No matter what.

I learned it's hard to be prideful when your entire life is disintegrating around you.  I began to understand much more deeply the struggle and suffering of others.  Each day was an effort to survive, and as the trying times continued, I realized that everyone else was trying to survive as well.  We were all trying to do the best we could.  I stopped making comparisons; I was no different and no better.  I was the same.  More than that, I had no desire to be better than anyone.  I was filled with love and compassion for those around me.  I wanted to help them and needed their help in return.  Meekness and teachableness took on new clarity.

I am now beginning to understand the attributes of a child - submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit.

It's not about me anymore.  It's all about the Lord."

Tears streamed down my chubby little cheeks as I read this passage over and over again.  This is exactly how I feel.  Exactly.  I couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't even try.  It was just so important for me to share this with you.  To give you some sort of insight as to how I really feel.  I am not afraid.  I know that what is being done in my life at this time is exactly what is supposed to happen and I just need to have complete trust in the Lord.  And I do.

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