The last few days.

Day 1    

The first day of our trip was pretty uneventful – but it was still great.  We stayed at a place that had 6 cement pads for RV’s in Moscow ID.  Not our Canadian Rockies typical camp ground, but there was an awesome park right by it that the kids could run over and play at and we didn’t have to go with them.  We just called them every once in a while over to a bench where we could see them.   That sounds bad, we could see them most of the time but there was one part with some big slides that we couldn’t have full eyes on them.  We could hear them all the time though.

Safeway was just kitty corner to us so we headed over for some groceries.  We had pancakes the first night... and eggs of course.  The kids were so happy and tired.  They slept well.

Day 2

Ken really wanted to go to Hell’s canyon.  It is deeper than the Grand Canyon.  We headed through some crazy deep coulees.  At one point we were at 670ish ft above sea level and after we climbed back up we were 5500 feet.  The road was really windey (apparently that is not a word!) and narrow.  I swear we never went more than 100ft without there being some sort of repair made to the pavement.  The hills were so steep yet there were cows grazing all over them.

We followed our trusty GPS into the canyon to find a camping spot.  Honestly, all we found was... oh ya, nothing we got lost.  We finally arrived at Deliverance and asked for some directions.  Ken went into a pub/restaurant.  He said EVERYONE was wearing camo, including the women and they all had “sister wife” hair.  He felt a little out of place.  The lady that owned the place said if we drive about 30 miles on this dirt road we would eventually hit pavement again and that would take us to the lookout.  So we continued on... and on, and on, and on, and on until we eventually came to the country side of Deliverance, equally as freaky as the town.

Our not so trusty GPS got us lost and we got to see some of the homes up close – too close.  I am just kidding they weren’t too bad, but just not somewhere I was ready to set up the trailer for the evening.

There was however in the midst of Creepyville a beautiful little farm with peacocks.  They were several on the road, some in this persons yard,  one up on the roof of their house.  The males were fighting and the females were just wandering around.  The kids thought it was pretty cool and they were so excited because they had never seen a real peacock before.  It was really cute!

Throughout the trip that day we saw a bear, sheep, cows, goats, horses , baby gophers, a dead hawk and the peacocks... and Jack of course.  The kids had to put him in there!

We kept on driving and driving and driving we hit pavement and then started climbing and climbing and climbing and then we were behind a truck.   Yes, that truck is important in this story because it blocked the poor signage that actually showed us where the canyon was.  So, we missed it!  After all that, we missed it.

It was getting late and the kids were hungry, and so were we so we pulled over and cut up some cheese and had some crackers, and some veggies.  We continued along roads that went in and out and up and around and finally came to a BEAUTIFUL campsite by a lake.  We stayed there for the night.  My favorite part was falling asleep listening to the crickets.

Day 3

We packed up the camper and headed south some more.  We stopped for gas a few times and pulled over to the side of the road for a break because K was feeling sick.  Thought she was car sick at the time but she turned out to be really sick after all.

We took a walk down Antelope Rd and decided to play a game of hide and seek behind the sage brushes.  K counted first on the dirt road and we went and hid.

Then a car came so I hopped up so that they didn’t think she was some lost little girl, counting in the middle of a dirt road in the desert.  We stopped playing after that.

We kept on going until we hit Winnemucca for the night.  About 1 minute after we stopped the trailer, C came walking around the corner with a dead bird in his hands.  I don’t know if we hit it or what, but we gave him a good scrub with some purel.   After we set up we went out for supper and them came back “home” and watched a movie.  The kids slept really well.  C was so excited to sleep on the top bunk.  He did really well and didn’t even fall off.

K woke up at 3am and started barfing and that’s when I decided I would sleep much better in the truck.   I was sore when I woke up but at least I didn’t freak out every time I heard someone move.

We packed up the trailer again and now we are on our way to Reno!  YAY!!  We should be there in about 2.5 hours if all goes well.  I will post some more later.  Don’t know if we’ll do much today being as K isn’t feeling well but that is ok.  At least we are together! J

Well, she was feeling well enough to swim and I was so glad.  They had so much fun!

We arrived in Reno with an empty tank of gas and a flat tire on the trailer because we ran over a bolt.  We did our laundry, settled into the trailer AGAIN, swam and then roasted hot dogs over the charcoal grill under the stars.  It was awesome.  We are both so happy to have this time just for our family.  It's been great so far and I know will continue on that way!  Minus the rambunctious children at night...



Dr. Visit Today

I mean absolutely NO offence by this blog post.  This is strictly my point of view.  So if you don't like what I have said in the past don't read this.

I want to write this while my visit is fresh in my mind.  Like I have said before, I have complete respect and love for my Dr here.  He is amazing and I am thankful that he has my best interests in mind.  We had a really good chat today about these "spots" that have shown up in the PET scan.

Apparently Ken and I misunderstood our first chat with Dr so I apologize for that.  Dr explained everything to me today and pretty much said all of this...

"Differentiation between malignant and benign pulmonary nodules is a common problem encountered by radiologists which has provided the impetus to explore alternative imaging techniques. Accurate diagnosis can reduce unnecessary thoracotomies in patients with benign diseases. Metabolic imaging with 2-(18F)-fluoro-2-deoxy-D-glucose positron emission tomography (PET) is being used more and more to differentiate benign from malignant focal lesions and it has been shown to be more efficacious than conventional chest CT. It has a unique ability to differentiate benign from malignant nodules, and it offers a different approach to the diagnosis of chest diseases because it exploits fundamental biochemical differences between benign and malignant cells.

However, fluorodeoxyglucose (FDG) is not a cancer-specific agent, and false positive findings in benign diseases have been reported in active inflammation or infection, causing false-positive results. In addition, the malignant tumors with low metabolic activity or tumors smaller than 1.0 cm in diameter often show false negative results. Furthermore, the accuracy of FDG-PET scans in detecting pulmonary metastases in patients with cancer has not yet been established.

Awareness of the conditions and the mechanisms by which false positive and negative results occur will help radiologists interpret PET scans more accurately and also will help to determine the significance of the findings."

Meaning, just because it lit up in a PET scan doesn't mean that it is cancerous. 

This moved us onto the greatly debated biopsy.  Check out my image as follows:

You will have to excuse my computer graphics... as you see, I have none.  I am not sure if you can read what I wrote there or not but I will explain it for you.  The black area is malignant and the white area is normal tissue.  As was explained to me again today, if they go through the white area, but don't go in far enough, then they can assume that the growth would be benign, even if it was just a portion of the cancerous growth that was "ok". 

We already went through this exact scenario when I had my biopsy done on my lymph node.  The first test came back inconclusive and Dr wanted another test to be done because there wasn't enough node tissue in the sample.  Thankfully she is the brains behind this situation and asked for another one to be done because from that we determined that the node was positive and so the two ahead of it would also be positive thus making the important decision to not just to a lumpectomy with a sentinel node biopsy.  Had we just done that we would have missed the other 3 out of the 21 that were positive!

Back to the drawing, Dr said if we change the angle at which the biopsy would be done, then we would easily be able to get the sample that is malignant because you would be going at the growth from the bad side.

I know what he is thinking, the same thing Ken is thinking, "Why don't we just do the biopsy to see what we are dealing with and save us a pile of money that we don't necessarily need to be spending on treatment if isn't malignant?"  I completely agree with this BUT this is my body, and both of these men understand and respect that it is my decision even if it seems a little silly to them.

I know that from doing a biopsy you can seed the malignant cells as you pull the needle back out.  I have been reassured that this doesn't happen very often and more specifically only happens with certain types of cancer.  Well, you can't figure out what kind of cancer it is unless you have a biopsy or have the tumor surgically removed and have a pathology report done on it.  Then what?  "Sorry, it was a crappy type of cancer that can and does seed... again, sorry."  That isn't a great answer for me either.

I was also told that IF it does clear up doing any sort of alternative therapy, it was probably a benign growth in the first place or it was a misdiagnosis.  No room for miracles here?!

I guess what I am getting at is - I have fasted, prayed, read and researched and prayed some more and then some more.  Unless I do a biopsy, I will never know whether or not it was cancerous.  But even if I did a biopsy would I really know if it was anyways??  Depending on angles and such.  I have to trust my instinct, my own personal answers to my many, many prayers and the bit of knowledge that I have attained.  If the growths do clear up then what do I have to loose?  Have I wasted money?  Am I further behind because I never really knew what I was treating? 

I believe that cancer, like many diseases, needs to be treated from the inside out (I know what I believe is not what a lot of other people believe, so let's just agree to disagree.  Arguing around and around doesn't solve anything anyways.  Just frustrates us all.).  We can take drugs for all sorts of things to mask our problems, but if we never really heal the root of the problem are we any farther ahead??  Again, I know that there are modern medical miracles that could only be possible with the advancements in medicine.  If I got hit by a car am I going to ask to be taken to my naturopathic doctor?  No, I am pretty sure I would go right to the hospital.  If I had a baby stuck in my crotch (LOL sorry, hate the "v" word), would I ask my midwife to say a prayer and hope it comes out before either or both of us die?  Again, no, I am going to head off for surgery.  If I had a rapid growing flesh eating disease would I just put oil of oregano on it and hope for the best?  Nope to that either.  See what I am getting at, it all has it's place.  I can only trust my Father in Heaven and his hand, that I feel, is guiding me.

"Vegan's can't eat anything."

The most common question people ask me is what the difference is between vegetarian and vegan.  Some vegetarian's eat chicken, fish and the rest of the dairy products - eggs, cheese, milk and such.  Vegan's don't eat any products produced by animals.  No dairy and no meat at all.  Some are so hard core that they don't even wear clothing if it is made from animals - wool, leather etc.

Common misconception - "But you need protein and where do you get it from?"  If you combine the right foods together you can build proteins.  A good example is eating a salad made with lentils and rice.  They, together, make up a complete protein. 

I found this information off of this website http://www.savvyvegetarian.com/articles/get-enough-protein-veg-diet.php and they explain it really well.

Each plant food has its own unique amino acid profile, from green leafy veggies to tubers, from barley to quinoa, from lentils to tofu, from macadamias to brazil nuts. By eating a variety of plant foods with 'incomplete proteins' throughout the day, we can easily get enough 'complete protein.' For lacto and ovo-lacto vegetarians, any food can be complemented by the high quality proteins in dairy products or eggs, but it isn't at all necessary to include animal foods to get enough protein in your diet.

Your body puts together amino acids from plant foods to give you complete protein throughout the day. For instance, the amino acids in beans & lentils are balanced by those in grains, nuts and seeds, and vice versa.

Vegetables and fruits also contribute significant amounts of protein. A one cup serving of avocado, for example, has 3 grams of protein, and a medium potato with skin has 4 grams.

Vegans and vegetarians can't help getting all the essential amino acids, through eating different combinations of grains, legumes, nuts & seeds, vegetables & fruit several times throughout the day.

Eating for complete protein isn't a scientific system of food combining, where you have to keep track and analyze everything you eat. It's a natural traditional way of eating, which most human beings have thrived on, for thousands of years.

As a rough guide, the chart below shows some examples of foods which go together well. This chart is very limited, in reality the possibilities could fill several pages, and you don't need to rely on precise combinations of food for complete protein.

So vegetarians and vegan's still get protein.  Are you still confused about what Vegan's can eat?  Well, take a look at my completely vegan supper tonight!  It was delish and the kids loved it too.

Broccoli and Cheese Soup ("cheese" made from nutritional yeast that kinda looks like fish food flakes) and

Home Made Vegan Bun's (thanks A for your amazing bread recipe!!)

Sentimental-ness

Today I was at the bank.  As one of the tellers slammed her stamp into the ink pad I was all of a sudden 6 or 7 years old and at my Mom or Dad's side; high white counter tops all around and a brown/tan brick floor.  Later in the afternoon I was brushing my teeth.  The cool air floating in from the bathroom window, combined with smell of my minty toothpaste brought me back to all the happy memories that pop up when I think of our childhood vacation area, Fairmont. 

As I was preparing supper, C climbed up on me and wanted to see what I was making.  While I was sauteing the onions and garlic with this little man on my hip I was brought back to, not all that long ago, when I had my babes perched on my hip as I was preparing everything and anything.  And you know what?  I actually longed for it. 

So as I reflected on the things that took me back throughout my day, I was thankful for memories and smells and feelings and their strong ability to take us back... and help us remember those cherished memories.

Reno Update

Sorry I have taken a while to let you know what is going on.  It's been busy since we got home from Reno but I feel that I have absolutely nothing accomplished.

So our visit down there went really well we thought.  We saw Dr. F and he was really, really nice.  He really just looked me over and felt me up, just my non-boob though, it was kinda nice! And we talked a bit about this past year.

Then I went and had blood drawn for the chemo-s test.  It will take 7-10 days for it to come back and then we will be ready to start treatment.  I am very interested to see what the results of the test will be, because I am wondering what did work and maybe what did not.

After that we met with Dr. M.  He is AMAZING and so sweet.  I really love him.  I told Ken.  He is ok with it.  He explained the treatments to us and what would be happening with the cells and what not.  It was very interesting to hear and made a lot of sense to us.

Like I said, we left the office feeling really good about where we are headed.  I am very eager to get back down there and get going on things.

I am sorry again that this is so short, I am tired, I feel barfy and I think I ate too much cheese today - not so vegan - and I am feeling it now.  I will let you know when some more stuff starts to happen and we find out more info.  Thanks for all your prayers!

Mother's Day

I am proud everyday that I am a Mom.  Not just today.  I realized this more-so as Ken and I were sitting in Church in Reno, without our crazy bumpkins in the pew with us.  Yes, they drive me, but I felt so incomplete without them.  I missed their little faces getting right in mine, asking me when they could have some gum. I missed the hands flailing, papers flying and books being tossed over shoulders to find something quiet for them to do while they waited for the Sacrament to be blessed and passed.  I missed their hands scrambling over my body to crawl onto my lap... and YES, W still does this as well, not very often, but he still hops up there.

I had Ken, falling asleep beside me... in the pew... and twitching himself awake every few seconds when his head fell back a little too far.  When I bugged him and he said, "Oh sorry Miss. I-slept-all-the-way-down-here."  Not true.  But I did sleep more than him.  :)

Being a Mom is so much more than cleaning messes and teaching your kids.  Yes, that is a big part of being a Mom, but not the biggest.  Today I realized that being a Mom is having a connection, no matter where you are, how old you are, how happy you are or how busy you are. Those little ones that will always be yours.  Your hearts are tied and your arms will ache no matter the distance.  I truly felt today like my heart was reaching out and searching the crowd of people at church for my babes, coming back empty and unfulfilled.  That is when I realized that it doesn't matter the time or space, they are always going to be tied to me and I will love them no matter what.

Fill you in

I forgot I haven't really told you what is going on yet!  Ken and I are heading down to Reno this weekend.  I have my initial visit on the 15th.  I honestly - can't wait.  I just feel like so much hope and healing is going to come from this.  I want to jump in with both of my feet and Ken's.

They will take my blood to do the chemo sensitivity testing, and a hair sample and just have an over-all check up and over with the Dr.  I wonder if there will be more boobie feeling and such... there always is when there is a new person in the mix of our life.

I had to laugh today at one of my gf's A who was telling me about her "lumpy thing" getting checked out by her dr.  She will probably kill me for putting this on here but it was just so funny.  She said she felt awkward about letting him see her nipple so she was trying to cover it up.  I guess I am just so out of touch with the privacy that comes with that part of your body.  I thought it was for everyone to touch and feel?!  Isn't it?  ;)

Anyways, we'll keep you updated with how it goes.  I am sure I will have lots to blab about after our visit.