I am sorry for not being so current. There are many reasons why I have been avoiding the updates of my blog. On the brighter side, we have been really, really busy and I just don't feel like I have time.
The other reason is that I just don't want to be honest about how I feel right now. I know I am over the hump as far as chemo, but I miss my old body... even if it was overweight. At least I knew what to expect and what it did... now it is just a mess and a guessing game that I don't have time for. Nothing works like it used to it seems.
I have been feeling really down about my self image. I REALLY hate looking in the mirror. I dread looking at my "normal", un-make-up'd face, it's awful. I HATE seeing my body and what I have done to it. I totally dislike staring there for minutes wondering "What could I do today to make me look and feel more like me" when all I want to do it crawl back into bed and pull the sheets up over my head and shut the world out... letting my kids come in to tell me something cute or funny, or even angry because "so-in-so kicked me in the face", or just to give me a hug and tell me they love me. And I don't want Ken to see me like this anymore - there is nothing attractive about me when I don't feel like doing "me" up.
I am not saying all of this to get sympathy comments, that is why else I haven't wanted to tell you all how I feel. I don't want to hear that I am still so beautiful. I guess I should post a picture of what I really look like so you all know what I really see.
I do like to look at old pictures because I can still, deep down in there somewhere, see the old me. The girl who I will become again. The healthy one, who loved life and loved to move.
One thing that I do more often is laugh louder than I used to. It feels good. And I laugh more often! (Unless it is one of Ken's cheesy jokes) ;) Love you babe! It just makes the moments feel so real. And is one of the greatest doses of medicine. And I LOVE holding my man's hand while we watch our kids dance around, laugh and play with each other. And right now I find nothing more romantic that having one of our babes, crawl between us and sleep with us as we hold hands around their little head... thinking that the love that we have for one another, brought this precious (most of the time) child into our lives.
I know that my Father in Heaven is aware of my feelings and how I feel. I know that he blesses our lives in many other ways, other than with looks and how I perceive myself. He blesses us with you and your calls and your thoughtfulness and you love and support. And that means so much.
You like how I turned all that bad blab crap around at the end there???