I have been really selfish as of late. And I am very blessed that I have had the opportunity to be this way. Currently my Mom and poor Dad have the kids. I could be using this time to do laundry, clean my house, organize closets, call friends, write thank you cards, serve someone else in need, exercise, make freezer meals... I think the list is pretty endless. So what have I been doing? Whatever the heck I want!
Ken and I have had some great one on one time together. To talk, to reconnect, to discuss fears and anxieties, to laugh and hold one another. Our lives seem so busy with everyone around and we have neglected each other in all that is going on. Trying to keep our kids as happy and entertained as we can. We could NEVER do any of this without help and are beyond grateful for all that has been done for us... but we miss being us. Our family. Our kids. Our home.
I honestly don't know how my amazing husband does it. How do you kiss a bald, yet sprouty head, good bye in the morning and really feel completely in love with this human being? How can you look at someone who you once thought was so beautiful (I am assuming he thought this, maybe I shouldn't) and not really see any of them in the face they have? How do you see beyond the flaking dry skin, swollen face, red and sore eyes? I don't know. But I know he does. And I know he loves me no matter what disfigured Disney creature I look like. He has told me he loves my bald head and all 5 of my eyelashes. He often counts to see if I have lost anymore. I have more than five, but I am sure less than 10.
Enough of that blab. So I have been doing whatever I want. On Monday I lay in bed, listening to the rain and thunder outside the bedroom window. Although it was "dreary", my soul longed for it. The rain was so powerful and so cleansing. I did stay in bed most of that day, but it felt so good. Just to be able to listen and to smell was what my spirit needed. And I read a lot.
Tuesday I did a road trip with some great gf's and we shopped. It was fun to get away from the house although my body was in total pain, it was good to be out.
Wednesday, I stayed in bed until 4pm. It was just what I needed. I am sure I showered before Ken got home and made our hamster nest. I napped and read a lot that day too. My body has been sore and I have been tired. I feel like I should be doing something, but I am honestly just taking every advantage of my babies being away to rest and not worry about silly things. I planned on going on the treadmill but never got around to it.
Today, I felt rather great! I had a horrible sleep, I am sick of taking pain meds, so I wait and lie there awake thinking that the ache will stop soon and rest will come. It doesn't and eventually I choke something back and wait for the pain to stop - THEN, I am able to drift into sleep. So, although I had a horrible sleep, I woke up at 9:30am and felt "rather great"! I got my rear out of bed and put on my running shoes and hopped on the treadmill. For the first 15 minutes, every step hurt, but I tried not to compare my current state to when I could run a 10 minute mile and think that I should still be able to accomplish that. Because right now I can't. So walking is just as good.
After my walk, I ate a healthy breakfast and then climbed back into bed and read my book for a couple of hours. Again, the ache was there and I took forever to decide to choke some more meds back and then decided I should shower. The water was so warm and I could not resist filling up the tub with an amazing milk bath that my gf M gave me in March. Ginger nutmeg... made me crave fall. And I don't know why I haven't used it sooner. I am not usually one for baths. But the water helped soothe my body and my spirit yet again.
I feel hopeful that the next two week before cycle 6 will be great. I feel that I will feel more like me and less like whoever the heck is looking at me in the mirror. I am getting excited as we are wrapping up chemo, to find "me" again, and truly let her shine.