Thursday, August 4, 2011

Chemo and intimacy...

Told you I'd tell it all. Well, let me sum it up for you. This is how often I feel like being intimate:

(insert drugs for period picture here - the blank one that shows nothing)

Yup, SO exciting I know. Just ask Ken, well don't.

This is a list of the reason why I feel this way:

* I'm fat

* I keep gaining weight

* I am tired

* I am bald and have really ugly chemo sprouts growing on the top of my head... seriously looks like I am growing alfalfa or something... sexy

* I am missing part of what I felt like makes me a beautiful woman

* I have less than 16 eyelashes now

* I have a few more eyebrows but still pretty sparse

* My face is dry and cracking, it looks like really nice

All of this so far is pointing to "Please DON'T even LOOK AT ME LET ALONE TOUCH ME!!!"

* I hardly put on makeup because I wonder what the point is - does it even make a difference. The fake eyelashes hurt my eyes because of the glue, but I so desperately want to wear them. My eye liner hurts my eyes, and often makes them water so I end up rubbing it off anyways. My foundation cracks into my dry skin and highlights the fact even more that I have some major problem areas. The corners of my eye lids are also dry and cracking, but if I don't I look really sick... huge purple bags around my eyes and a slight "looks like I've been crying all night" puffiness to them.

* I don't want my body to be touched

* I don't want my body to be looked at

* I don't want my scar to be touched or looked at

* I don't want my poor hubby to miss who I used to be and yearn for her

And intimacy aside, most of these reasons make me not want to leave the house. I don't want people to judge why I am overweight or even look at me. That doesn't stop me from going out bald sometimes because it is too damn hot to wear a wig and/or a hat in the summer!

I know this is just a period of time...

1 comment:

  1. I heard about your story through the "geneva convention" awhile ago, and have been reading your blog. My heart goes out to you and your family. I makes me sad for your little W, that this is what he's facing as a young kid. I'll pray for him as I continue to pray for you.
    As for intimacy, remember intimacy isn't always sexual. A hug, holding hands, a kiss, can be sometimes just as intimate. Your husband clearly loves and adores you, and will continue to love and adore you through this and beyond..Hang in there :)