Can't hold it in any more.

I have been tossing around the idea of posting this... I want it to be well meaning.  I don’t want it to be negative or rude because that was not the intention of the next chain of events that set my life and emotions into another tornado of uncertainty.  I have debated not saying anything because I don’t want to be offensive.  But I thought, “This blog is my thoughts and feelings.  This is my outlet.  This is MY way of healing and dealing with our life.”  Regardless of who reads this, this is mine.  And I am entitled to how I feel and how I express myself. 

I am not wanting to be offensive, so please do not take it this way.  I just need you all to know a few things that are helpful to me and if you find it hard to respect then please don’t read my blog.

My upheaval in my feelings started with a very well intentioned phone call.  I was at first very grateful for the care and concern , and I still am, but it quickly turned to fear and freak out.  Exactly what I don’t need.  I know that this was NOT the intention of the call. 

Because of some of the things that I was talking about in previous blog posts, it brought attention to our doctor from home.  I don’t want to elude to anyone in particular so I am going to keep this generic.  And again, it is just because I am where I am in my life that this call effected me so deeply.  A call was made to Ken to make sure he was aware of some things that may be helpful if a situation arose.

Dr. Dr noticed that I had been talking a lot about headaches and thought that this wasn’t a normal thing for me.  I am not a headache person.  Like I had posted I was sure it was because of heat and just adjusting to being at a different elevation here.  I didn’t really think any more of it than that.  This did lead Dr. Dr to think that I MAY have possible mets to the brain.  If anything should happen down here, like a seizure, Dr. Dr wanted to make sure that Ken knew what to do.  Dr didn’t want us to have to pay huge medical bills if it wasn’t necessary and just wanted to make sure that we could handle things without a huge cost.  Dr told Ken a few different things that may happen and told Ken how to be prepared. 

One, like I said previously, was the possibility of a seizure or even stroke like symptoms.  We were encouraged to be prepared and just get some Dex (steroid I was on before that made me “so darn beautiful”) as the Dex would help with the swelling in the brain and bring things back to normal until we can get home and get some testing done.  Seriously great info!  Like I said, we were very thankful.   We were well wished and that was that.  Very nice.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

However, I am in a different state of mind than I have ever been in my life, and when it comes to health issues about myself, I am much more sensitive.  I was relatively unaffected by this call, but that didn’t last long until I started to over analyze every single detail in my life that could point to brain mets.  I don’t know if you remember me saying before that once it gets to your brain it is trickier to find ways of helping.  In other words, it’s not that good.  Symptoms can include: decreased coordination, clumsiness, falls, sometimes fever, generally feeling ill or tired, headaches – new or more severe than normal, memory loss, poor judgment, difficulty solving problems, numbness, tingling, pain, personality changes, rapid emotional changes, seizures, speech difficulties, vision changes, vomiting  with or without nausea and weakness of a body area.  So of course I started to think about my every single move in the day and what it entailed.  How was I feeling?  Did I have a nagging headache, was I feeling dizzy or different than I normally do.

I decided instead of having a full out freak out that it would be best to make an appointment with Dr. F down here and pick his brain about what he thought.  He asked me a few questions and I started to answer.  I explained to him that it is hard to figure out how I feel “normally” because I am still trying to figure out my new normal with everything that has happened to my body in the last year.  I told him that my memory doesn’t work like it used to, but I figured that was because of the “chemo fog” that can be life lasting.  I had noticed an increase in headaches but thought that was because of the difference in weather and running when it was warmer... I do get headaches at home if I overexert myself and then don’t drink enough water – I just thought I had done the same thing here.  He asked me if I was dizzy at all, and I said that I was at times, but nothing that I really noticed as an increase.

He told me that I probably shouldn’t worry about it.  I was glad that at least he was aware of things and had taken note of our talk.  I thought I had it under control emotionally and that I was ok.  What I did notice however is that I started to over analyze EVERYTHING and freak myself out.  I didn’t want to say anything to Ken because I didn’t want to admit that anything was bothering me and most certainly was not going to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe something wasn’t right.

Well, that didn’t last all that long.  I finally broke down today and lost it... quietly, outside the trailer with Ken.  My kids have seen more than enough in the last little while, and I honestly just want them to feel like kids.  I don’t need them to worry and wonder and freak out.  They don’t need that.

I finally decided today that for ME, I needed to get this out of my head and off my chest.  This trip is supposed to be a healing one for my family and I.  I am supposed to be stress free and thinking positively.  I am supposed to be resting my body and my spirit.  I realized that I haven’t done any of that since we got the phone call.  I have been on high alert and internally freaking out... trying to outrun the huge, black could that is just behind me ready to open up and drown me with its downpour.  This, my friends, is not healthy.  At all.

All I could think of last night was if I wanted to “know” what is going on or not.  To have the possibility brought to the front of my mind again that this could possibly be another met, one to which the outcome isn’t all that grand, weighed especially heavy on my mind and heart.  When Ken and I were talking today he said that he would rather be in front of the 8 ball instead of behind it, I guess something inside of me agreed.  So I guess our next step when we get home will be to get in for an MRI – hopefully to put our minds at ease...  And pardon me, but damn it, give us a break!!

But until that time, I want to focus on nothing but healing (try and put some distance between me and that cloud).  The purpose of our trip.  I want to focus on getting better, not worse.  I want to plan for my future with my family and be there.  The human will is amazing, and there are many miracles that come about on this earth each day.