Don't read if you don't want to be sad.

I have to be honest.... I am mildly miserable right now.  I feel like a huge piece of crap that is waiting to barf all the time.  Just like the beginning of pregnancy.  Smells bug me, food bugs me, the smell of me bugs me.  I just need some time to find my silver lining again.

I feel so guilty when I complain about this in comparison to my gf’s load to carry.  I think of her constantly.  I cry for her often.  I pray for her always.  I wonder how her days are, her nights, how she calms her children’s hearts and her own.  I wonder how she gets out of bed some mornings and smiles (because I know she does).  I can’t help but wonder if one day, Ken will be alone with our children and I wonder how he would do all of it.

I find myself a lot lately watching him with the kids.  He is so good.  I mean that.  He is patient, kind, loving, smart, quick and delivers  with the right amount of discipline that is needed.  Case in point, he chuckled to himself as he cleaned up pee all over the floor from C trying to pee on W because W accidentally got C while they were peeing together.  I just wanted to hit him.  Not Ken.  I wonder if this is how he would be if I wasn’t here.  He would cuddle with our kids, call them “sweet-heart”, bud and pal.  He would hug them when they were sad.  He would laugh with them when they were being silly.  He would patiently help them in their problems and trials.

Sometimes I watch from a distance and wonder if the distance that I will have to watch from is Heaven.  I honestly don’t know how people do it. 

When we came down here the first time, we had our “talk” about the “what if’s”.  Not something we dwell on but something that needs to be discussed.  It broke my heart.  I couldn’t stop thinking of my friend and her having to plan her sweeties funeral.  How?  I know all the answers to these questions, but sometimes they are just plain overwhelming.

I told Ken that there are days and moments that I feel myself pulling away; or trying to make them angry at me so that “IF” it happens, it won’t be so hard.  So hard for them and so hard for me... to say goodbye.  I have to apologize, this is completely a downer post, but I need to get it off my half-chest.  I know it isn’t good bye forever, just for a while... but still – it seems so impossible.

But then I remember what my Mom told me.  Whether or not we (ALL of us.  None of us really know when our “time” will be) have 1 year or 40, we need to live it to the best and fullest.  There is no sense in being dull and down for the 40.  What a waste.  Like I said, I just need to vent and then get back up and pull up my big girl pants.

So once again, this is a scattered, crappy post.  All over the place, just like my emotions the past few days.

The therapy is harder than I thought it would be.  I feel sicker than I thought I would.  I feel guiltly because I thought that we would be able to do more as a family.  Instead, I find myself sleeping away the afternoon’s, even though I need it, and having little to no patience for the rest of the day.  I just really want to be able to have the rest of my life to make up for this crappy year and a bit.  I don’t want to take anymore away from my precious family than I already have.  I don’t want my kids to worry and suffer any more than they have already had to.  And I want my husband to not have to worry about EVERYTHING!  They all amaze me.  I just need to start amazing myself.

Well, I think that is more than enough BS for one evening.  I know my next post will be better and I know I will feel better.  Plus I do have some really fun things to blog about... with my amazing family.  Again, I love you all and miss you and I hope that all is well as I pray that it is for you.