Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Ups and downs... I think they are normal??!

Today has been one of those days.  Like I said earlier, it's been a little harder to pull ourselves out of this slump this time.  I don't know if Ken would want me to blog about this but I am going to anyways.

We have been thinking a lot lately and not in a very positive way.  Ken is of the mind frame that we better do the things that we have always wanted to do now so that if  "something happens" (we all know what that is - I die) then we won't have any regrets.  This has been really hard for me because I don't want to do anything "special" "just in case".  I just want to keep on living like there is nothing really going on.

Well reality this past week has not allowed either one of us to do so.  I have been just sick with negativity and wondering what else I could possibly do to turn things around.  I know I am not a write off yet.  No one has given me a time frame and I don't ever want one.  But it just seems impossible since our last results.

Like my Mom said, we were just so hopeful that everything would have completely turned around that it was a total shock when the news came.  On a side note, I did go back and look up my PET scan and they lymph node was 12.5mm's but is now 2.3cm's but our Dr said it wasn't noted on my last CT but it was on the PET - I know I am rambling, but I was glad to know that it wasn't something like 2mm's and has grown really quickly.  Although still quicker than I had hoped, but not as bad as I was thinking.  So back to Mom's train of thought, ya, I was completely crushed when we got the results.  But again, like our Oncologist in Reno said, he was alarmed by anything and to just keep up on my maintenance like we had discussed.

I was at the end of my rope today with the dog and I told Ken he had to go (the dog of course) and I was sorry, I knew the kids would be sad but I was ready to take him to the SPCA.  I broke the news to the kids and their little hearts broke - well not Carson's, we was excited to get a bunny instead.  I may have slipped that in there...

Ken came into our room (I was hiding because I was upset/annoyed at how "attached" everyone was to the dog and I just want to make my life easier.... turns out I am not the only one involved in this shite storm) and we finally talked. 

Ken told me he couldn't break their little hearts like that.  he said, "I see how sad they are about getting rid of the dog, well, what if in three months I have to tell them that their Mommy is going to die.  What will that do to them?  Then they won't have their puppy anymore; and he makes them feel better when they are sad, and then they are going to have to deal with you.  I honestly don't know how I would handle all of that."  My heart, like many times before, shattered at the seriousness of our situation.  It broke into unrecognizable pieces for my husband and my children and my family.

Ya, I know "life goes on".  I know it get "easier".  I know everyone "will be ok".  But honestly, that is no consolation to me right now.  I don't know if it ever is for anyone.

I know I have to be patient and wait for the next scan.  Our lives are broken up into three months at a time where everything is "normal" and then all hell breaks loose again.  We have to recover from that and get back to "normal" and the prepare for hell again... all whilst trying to put on for the kids like nothing is even happening. 

It is getting exhausting.  And like Ken explained it today, it's like he has been told 4 times that his wife is dying.  Oh the pain in his heart that he keeps all locked up.  I can't even imagine.

Having vomited all that out - I still can't even process giving up.  I can see why people do eventually, but I am so far from that and I am terrified that I will ever be to that point.  As hard as it is, and trust me when I say it feels impossible right now, I can picture my life, with my family, when my kids are teens around an island in the kitchen, being silly with their friends and me laughing along with them... not that I would understand their jokes because I would be "old"... maybe I am laughing because I am just so happy that I got to that point and see them at that stage.  I don't know. 

It is painful for me to plan for an uncertain future, as all of ours is, but I can't give up the "dream" that I had for our life has a husband and wife and a mother and father.  I want to be here.  I need to be here.  I just want to be a part of their lives, actively and in person.


  1. I hope you never get tired of hearing "you're amazing" because you truly are. I can't even imagine, but so grateful to know how you truly feel and what is going on. We pray for you constantly and love you to bits. Stay strong G!!