Finding that silver lining.

I should have posted yesterday when I was feeling good and great about life.  But instead, I waited and now you get slightly depressing Geneva.  Sorry!!

Yesterday I had another CT.  This one was of my chest, abdomen and pelvis.  The results of this CT we were really excited about getting.

Let's just rip the band aid off.  The lymph node has grown in size to 2.3 ms.  Not very happy about that.  Not at all.  Needless to say, I have been quite saddened by this news.  I'll get back on my feet tomorrow.

What I am trying to focus on and keep a smile on my face with, is the rest of the news.

The nodule in my lungs has only grown to 19mm's.  It was 15mm's after my PET scan in April.  So since then it has only grown 4mm's.  Ken brought me an amazing perspective that I didn't have before we received the news.  There was a month gap between my last PET scan and when I actually went to Reno and started treatments.  So like Ken said, it had a whole month to grow again in size - STILL slower than it was growing from my first CT in January to my one in March.  Remember we went from 4.3mm's - 14mm's in just three months.  So for it to only have grown 5mm's in the following three months - that is pretty good... Well, I am thinking that anyways.

My blood work all came back great as well as the scan of the rest of the body parts they checked out.  Meaning, my liver, spleen, reproductive organs and bones - all fine.

The Dr from here was saying that it isn't great news and that we should really get on top of this while we still can.  I still feel that I am doing what I should be doing, and I believe in the treatment I am getting, so I am sticking with that.  Although they are quick to point out that whatever I did in Reno isn't/didn't work, I am not of the same mind.

When I went to tell Ken today, he hugged me and told me he is still here with me and he will get me through this.  Whatever that is, he will be here.  He will hold my hand and pull me along... especially when I have that hopeless feeling, which is only natural, but I won't keep that feeling for long.

Although, I have had quite a few tears today, mostly all of the what if's in life... I really can't explain how hard it is to look at my little ones and wonder the what if's.  Just looking at them and watching them makes me want to cry uncontrollably... BUT I have to trust in my Father's plan for me and my family.  Whatever his plan is.

Tomorrow I will find my ground to stand on... again.  And keep going.