WARNING! May cause...

Drowsiness, dizziness, constipation, diarrhea (still waiting for this side effect), nausea, restlessness, headaches, body pain, joint pain...

Sounds fun!!

This is probably TMI but this is what I usually take when I have my period...

That's right, nothing.

This is my current plethora of things available to me for a whole bunch of different reasons.

Amoxi - for a throat infection, two different creams for an infection in my armpit, Tylenol and Advil at my leisure, an anti-depressant, nupeogen - complete with needles for self injections to help my white blood cells grow faster, Emend - for nausea, Dex - steroid, Super gravol, regular gravol, ondansentron - all for nausea, and hemorrhoid cream. I think that about covers it all.

They were right!

It is unbelievable to me, how smart the doctors are! LOL For some stupid reason, I thought that this chemo I would just be luckily unaffected. Other than the few aches and pains I had the other day, it was not big deal. Well, to be honest, I have hardly slept, I wake up about 40 times a night just to see that the clock has only moved 2 minutes. Sometimes I get lucky and get an actual hour in there.

It feels like there is an 80 year old woman trapped inside my body right now. My bones are so sore and it is a deep pain throughout my body.... knees, legs, hips, back, ribs, feet etc. I am sure you get the picture. Again, little nausea which is great, but may have been a little easier to control than this.

My finger tips hurt, just like they said would happen. I just can't believe how quickly these potent drugs seem to work. I know that is the point, but it is so fast. My nails have not changed colors yet, but the entire nail bed is very tender.

My eyelashes are thinning quickly, along with my brows, and I don't like to look in the mirror. I know this isn't permanent, but I am feeling very unattractive... rather gross.

We took the kids to the park yesterday and that was a huge thing for me. I actually went out. I don't like being "out" very much right now. But the kids had fun and made me remember that no matter what, I am a Mom. Their Mom. I watched W skip 4 rungs on the monkey bars; gave all the kids under-ducks; watched K try and catch butterflies; and watched C try and get some helicopters to fly. They had so much fun. We didn't stay that long, but I was so happy to be out, looking at the mountains and enjoying (not really) the heat.

I am thankful for moments of being reminded who I really am and what my purpose is here.

Chemo pains

I have honestly felt really, really good on this new chemo. Yesterday we did a bunch of yard work and it felt so good to be out there in the earth, digging and picking rocks. I know that sounds cheesy, but I haven't done much of anything lately, so it was amazing! It was nice to work along side our family and not just watch from the window. And I got to see how strong of a woman my mom-in-law really is as she manned that rototiller like it was nothing. After suffering a broken leg twice, she just keeps on going. That is the kind of woman I want to be.

I am not sure today if I am sore from the yard work, or from the chemo. Like I said earlier, I have had little to no nausea and have felt pretty amazing the past three days. However this morning when I woke up, my hips and knees, were bothering me. It is not really painful, just uncomfortable. And I feel like my face looks like a big, red, balloon. I just feel swollen and sore. But I would take this any day over the last three cycles of chemo.

So currently, I am sitting in our bed, in all my beauteous glory, missing church and thinking about life. I am so happy that I can hear the birds outside. I am so happy that the sun is shining. I am so happy that I got to have a wonderful day yesterday at our little friend's baptism. She looked so beautiful. I am so happy that even though my children are coughing like freaks, they are still smiling and were so happy to go to church. I am so happy that my husband still kisses me even though I do not feel or look like me. I am happy that he loves me for me. I am so thankful for all that has been done for us and I will NEVER stop being thankful for that.

I may be a little sore and uncomfortable, but I am blessed beyond measure.

The Greatest Blessing

On Friday morning, Ken and I went to the hospital to meet with Dr. M. He is the oncologist in charge of doing the radiation. He is very, very nice. We chatted with him for a while about how things will probably work out. If I can stay on track with chemo, then I will go to Kelowna mid September to get marked up for radiation. Fingers crossed I will start that at the end of September. I will go for five and a half weeks as I do want to do reconstruction on my boobie. He said (my interpretation) that doing it at a lower dose will be better for recon afterwards. It will be better for the skin. So that is fine. We were thinking that we would be there for five weeks anyways, so five and a half is not a biggie.

FINALLY!!!!! after chatting for a while, he told us the highly anticipated results of my last CT scan. The spots on my lungs and spleen have not changed, indicating that they are most likely lesions from being sick at some point in my life! I think I had a perma-grin plastered on my face for the rest of the day. And still do when I think of it. It is the best news that we have had all along. It was hard to wait 9 weeks to have the repeat scan done to see if anything had come of it. I hope I NEVER have to hear those words "deemed incurable" in my life. But if I do, I will fight with all I have. But for now, it is out of my vocab!

In the Book of Mormon, in the Doctrine and Covenants chapter 84:88 it reads, "... I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." This is completely true. No matter what is happening all around us in this world, the Lord is here with us, "bear[ing] us up." And for that, I am truly grateful.

New Chemo

Well yesterday I was at the hospital for 5 hours getting my new chemo. So far it is WAY better than the last round of chemo that I did. I have had little to no nausea. I feel pretty good.

As this cycle of chemo will completely wipe out my immune system, I will have to inject myself with a drug that stimulates the growth of my neutrophils (baby white blood cells I think) so that I do have an immune system to fight with. If my counts are up, then the next round of chemo I won't have to do as many injections, and if they are down then I will do more.

I really have to watch for signs of fever this time. And if we travel I will have to take my little sheet with me saying that I can have immediate attention so that I don't die within two hours. Seriously, I am not over-reacting. This is the part that freaks me out but again, I know I am in good hands and I will keep a close eye on myself. Please don't think I am rude if I don't hug you, I just really want to be safe. But know that I want to. :)

Thanks again for all your support, love and prayers on our behalf. We couldn't have got this far without you and the blessings of the Lord.

Random Fluff

I have been trying to think more and more of the pro's of chemo and not so much the con's. But none the less, the con's are still there. Let's get into some graphic details about both? maybe...

Con's:

* What I wouldn't do for a case of the shart's after chemo. 5 days of not being able to go to the bathroom (I ain't talking no. 1) is not fun. It has resulted in some crying episodes on the floor. Honestly feel like I just had my first born child all over again. I am 99% sure that he was a 40 pounds boulder that came out of my arse. Seriously. I will never, NEVER forget that feeling. So I am very sensitive to that feeling now.

* My Non-nipple is starting to itch again. If you can't find it, you can't scratch it.

* Love the puffy face and bloated belly that I get after a cycle. Granted it only last for a few days, but the bald and bloated isn't so beautiful.

* All I am going to say is chemo toots... Ken's absolute fave! He is convinced that I am misdiagnosed and that I actually have "ass cancer".

* Everybody love hemorrhoids!! Sorry. A lot of issues with the back end I guess.

* Eye brows and lashes are starting to come out. Uncle Fester her I come! I think he had brows though. Bugger. That's not fair.

Onto the pro's.

Pro's:

* I don't have to do my hair. Grab a hat, wig or nothing and go. It's kinda nice... but I do miss my locks.

* Don't have to shave that often. I don't think I have shaved my legs in two weeks and they were a little gross, but not too bad.

* The rest of my unwanted body hair is amazingly gone! Can go almost three weeks without shaving my two armpit hairs. My chin hair is non existent (I truly do love that!), my mustache is gone, my belly hair has vanished. I am pretty much a Mesican hairless. Yes, I meant to say Mesican.

* I have SPROUTS!!! Not the green kind. The white kind that are popping up all over my head. Ugly yes, but it is the beginning of something so I am excited but not too attached. The rest of my body hair is supposed to fall out with this next round so I am sure they will line my pillow case. But they are still exciting.

* Everyone comments on how beautiful my eyes are. What the heck else are you going to look at? I have no hair. But thank you anyways.

* One thing that hasn't changed when I bust it out is my smile. It hasn't gained weight and my teeth still look great!

Speaking or "fluff", the other day C took some stuffing out of the couch and the kids got upset with him. They told him not to do that, it is for "Mommy's boob". And speaking of boob's, I don't do that nearly enough, my removable side kick is a major hit with the kids. They like pretending they have a giant boob, a baby in their belly, or slapping each other with it. Where did I find them??? Makes me smile.

Another thing that I have been thinking of, and I am NOT a perv, but if you have hair and two boobs then I most likely notice you. Did you know that most people have hair and two boobs!! Never realized it until one is living without a few of the lady essentials. But I don't stare, and I mostly covet hair. I will get my boobie back on and it will look fab! when they are done (I hope).

And one of the best things is that I got my wig last week!!! I will take some pic's and post them when I get a few. I honestly love it. It makes me feel more like me. And makes me feel like I can blend in again with everyone else.

I think I have caught up finally. Sorry to post so many but again, we have been busy. Which is a great sign to me that life is more "normal".

Too many Doc's to count... but they have all been great!

Some more good news came along today. I have a meeting with Dr. M on Friday. He is the doctor who would be in charge of my radiation. I am excited to meet with him HERE!!! Yay! And find out what will be happening after we are finished up with chemo. Again, will keep you posted.

Another CT

Nope... I decided to do it in smaller posts than one huge one.

Before I start with the second round of chemo, Dr. T wanted to have another CT done to see what was up with the lesions no my lungs. So yesterday morning I headed out in my Sunday best (um, a pair of yoga pants, a hoodie, no makeup, no hair, but I did put my boob on. Figured I was a bad enough spectacle as it was.) I didn't want to be late and I was really excited to hop back into bed when I got home.... that didn't actually happen.

A very sweet nurse ran the CT and I was good to go. She said we would probably have the results by the end of the week.

I am anxiously waiting. Ken says there is nothing to worry about, but I can't help but worry about the "what if's". "Deemed incurable" is a hard pill to swallow so I just want to know what is happening. I am hopeful that they are nothing at all and just from illness' when I was a wee little girl. I will obviously keep you posted on that.

So far behind.

Ok, so I need to update. Maybe I will do it in a few blog posts or maybe I will do it all at once. Maybe you should pack a snack in case this goes on and on for a while.


For starters we had a great time in Kelowna. We stayed in a beautiful resort, had fun walking around, went for a run along the lake, ate great food and enjoyed one another's company... relaxing without the kids. But there was a little frog at night by a pond that would ribbit and remind us of C's night light that makes frog and cricket noises. It made us miss the kids.

We met with our Oncologist. I take back anything that I said previously about Dr. T. This is a brilliant person who is going to help me to live a long life. She was very nice, met with us last minute because we were in town and we didn't feel rushed or anything to get out of her office. She answered any questions that we had and was very good at explaining things.

I was supposed to do a video link on the 8th with her from our hospital, but because we were in town she saw us instead. She wanted to talk to me about the pathology report. A portion of my sample came back showing that I was Her2/neu+ ErPr- at first. Then another sample came back showing that I was Her2/new- which would mean that I was a triple negative. So what she wanted to discuss with us was the need to do Herceptin or not.

If I was a triple negative then I would not need the Herceptin and the outcome is better than being Her2/neu+. But with taking the Herceptin (all 17 injections!!) I would have the same outcome as if I was triple negative. Because I am young and so called "healthy" Dr. T thinks it is for the best for sure. So we are going to proceed with the original protocol.

We were really grateful that we got to meet her and talk with her. And she isn't as dry as a popcorn fart, she just laughs really quietly. :)

The view from the top.

The view from the top isn't that nice. It is weird and looks odd. It is not my favorite thing to see, but regardless, it is there. And I am here. So I do my best to let it go.