The clock.

Tick... tick... tick... tick... Signals every second that I am not asleep. Notifies me of every second that I am not distracted. Let's me know that I have all this TIME to think. I am sorry because my mood tonight is as dark as the night sky. I was laying in bed thinking of all the reasons that I hate the night. Then I thought, think of all the reasons I am lucky to be alive... my anger won. So now I will blog about it. I guess maybe I have moved into the second phase of grief??? Anger.... I really thought I wouldn't get here, but I fear I am. I don't need to ask the question "why me?" I know why, because I can. Because I can do this, because I am strong, because I need to prioritize and learn a few things. I guess I am angry for all the things that I feel I can't do right now, and won't be able to do in the near future.... for a while. I am angry that I am not comfortable right now. I am angry that this stupid cancer had to go to my lymph nodes. I am angry that I rely on other to help me out right now. I am angry that I am afraid to face my fear of being "sick". I am angry that I can't clean my house, make meals, and spend time with my children. I am angry that I can't pick up my kids. I am angry that I can't snuggle into my hubby's arms without worrying where my friggin' drainage tube is, if my arm hurts or if his arm will cross my chest. I am angry that I don't want to cry in front of anyone - except Ken. I am angry that this is going to take a year of my life, a year that I am not so willing to give up as I had plans. Plans for our family of things to do, things I wanted to do, things I was looking forward to. Oh I know I will learn a lot over this next year. But I am angry for the way that I have to right now. I am angry that my Mom can't be at home with my Dad, and that she has to be here to help me. I am angry that Ken can't be here when I want to cry because he has to work. I am angry that I usually have my jaw clenched and I often have a headache. I am angry that I can't sleep at night because all I do is think... of my life, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. And the clock keeps ticking. Every second. Tick... tick.... tick... tick. "Your awake, exhausted and miserable," it says. "Go lie down, and fall asleep." I feel it is taunting me, daring me to race against it, against what? Helping out in the morning, being up and ready? Ready to start my day as a Mom and a wife? I know that Mom is here to help and I am so thankful for that. But I wish she could be sleeping in and not have to worry about my kids and my life. I wish she could enjoy tomorrow off with my Dad. Completely miserable right now. Sorry. I can't even bend over the kiss my kids goodnight, and I am afraid of them hugging me too tight. I know this won't last long, but then I will be onto Chemo, and then I really won't want to be around - anyone, I think. That makes me sad. I feel sick and hot when I think of it. I am terrified of it, but I know I have to do it. I apologize, I am all over the place right now. But this is my head at night. I already cried when I snuck into the kids rooms, I cried while I went pee, I cried in the closet when I was changing. I have had my cry, can't I just sleep??? I remember when Wyatt was a baby. So fussy and I had no idea what to do. I was honestly scared to get up at night with him because I knew that it would be hours in the dark. Hours when the world seemed asleep. Hours of twinkling streetlights and the moon. Hours of sleeplessness. I used to hold him on the couch and I was finally comfortable enough to fall asleep with him in my arms when the sun would start to come up. It would slowly stream through our stain-glass window above our front door. Then my soul would calm and I would hold him tight and we would sleep. I feel that same fear at night now when I try to sleep. If I could only wait until the morning comes and then I can sleep... but there is so much to do in the morning. I can't sleep all day like I used to with my beautiful baby, I have to be up with my babies...