Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The clock.

Tick... tick... tick... tick... Signals every second that I am not asleep. Notifies me of every second that I am not distracted. Let's me know that I have all this TIME to think. I am sorry because my mood tonight is as dark as the night sky. I was laying in bed thinking of all the reasons that I hate the night. Then I thought, think of all the reasons I am lucky to be alive... my anger won. So now I will blog about it. I guess maybe I have moved into the second phase of grief??? Anger.... I really thought I wouldn't get here, but I fear I am. I don't need to ask the question "why me?" I know why, because I can. Because I can do this, because I am strong, because I need to prioritize and learn a few things. I guess I am angry for all the things that I feel I can't do right now, and won't be able to do in the near future.... for a while. I am angry that I am not comfortable right now. I am angry that this stupid cancer had to go to my lymph nodes. I am angry that I rely on other to help me out right now. I am angry that I am afraid to face my fear of being "sick". I am angry that I can't clean my house, make meals, and spend time with my children. I am angry that I can't pick up my kids. I am angry that I can't snuggle into my hubby's arms without worrying where my friggin' drainage tube is, if my arm hurts or if his arm will cross my chest. I am angry that I don't want to cry in front of anyone - except Ken. I am angry that this is going to take a year of my life, a year that I am not so willing to give up as I had plans. Plans for our family of things to do, things I wanted to do, things I was looking forward to. Oh I know I will learn a lot over this next year. But I am angry for the way that I have to right now. I am angry that my Mom can't be at home with my Dad, and that she has to be here to help me. I am angry that Ken can't be here when I want to cry because he has to work. I am angry that I usually have my jaw clenched and I often have a headache. I am angry that I can't sleep at night because all I do is think... of my life, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. And the clock keeps ticking. Every second. Tick... tick.... tick... tick. "Your awake, exhausted and miserable," it says. "Go lie down, and fall asleep." I feel it is taunting me, daring me to race against it, against what? Helping out in the morning, being up and ready? Ready to start my day as a Mom and a wife? I know that Mom is here to help and I am so thankful for that. But I wish she could be sleeping in and not have to worry about my kids and my life. I wish she could enjoy tomorrow off with my Dad. Completely miserable right now. Sorry. I can't even bend over the kiss my kids goodnight, and I am afraid of them hugging me too tight. I know this won't last long, but then I will be onto Chemo, and then I really won't want to be around - anyone, I think. That makes me sad. I feel sick and hot when I think of it. I am terrified of it, but I know I have to do it. I apologize, I am all over the place right now. But this is my head at night. I already cried when I snuck into the kids rooms, I cried while I went pee, I cried in the closet when I was changing. I have had my cry, can't I just sleep??? I remember when Wyatt was a baby. So fussy and I had no idea what to do. I was honestly scared to get up at night with him because I knew that it would be hours in the dark. Hours when the world seemed asleep. Hours of twinkling streetlights and the moon. Hours of sleeplessness. I used to hold him on the couch and I was finally comfortable enough to fall asleep with him in my arms when the sun would start to come up. It would slowly stream through our stain-glass window above our front door. Then my soul would calm and I would hold him tight and we would sleep. I feel that same fear at night now when I try to sleep. If I could only wait until the morning comes and then I can sleep... but there is so much to do in the morning. I can't sleep all day like I used to with my beautiful baby, I have to be up with my babies...

8 comments:

  1. Geneva, don't be sorry for anything you write. It is what you are feeling at the time and it is what you need to tell us your friends. I would be angry too - so write what comes to your mind and swear if you have too. We love you and you are such a strong young woman who is getting ready for her next chapter in her life and yes, it is a little uncertain and a little unknown, but we are here to listen and you are here to guide us. Take care and hope to see you soon. ~ Tiffany from Creston

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  2. GV you don;t to have to apologize for anything,don;t worry about ma and da this is were she wants to be with you and da wants it to ,it is ok to be anger let you thoughts out dom't bottle them, we love you and Jesus love you too ,so do want you need to do to get through.

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  3. Geneva, what you are going through is incredibly challenging. You are being forced to deal with something that none of us ever want to have to go through. By battling so openly, you are showing everyone who knows you what an amazing human being you are. Feeling sorry for yourself is natural, (we all would be!) but you have an amazing family to help you through this. I imagine your mom would not want to be anywhere than with you at this time. Be fortunate that you have the ability to fight and that you have so many people in your corner fighting with you.

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  4. Nothing I can say will make this any better or easier for you. Just know that you are loved. I want to you to know you can call me day or night (seriously!) and I will listen. Your blog is a great outlet for what you are feeling, but if you need a friendly voice on the receiving end - I'm here. I know you have lots of support there and can talk to Ken and your mom, but when you don't want to wake them...I give you complete permission to wake me. I have time for a nap every afternoon - so you don't even have to feel guilty.
    Love you,
    Nancy

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  5. Sylvie woke up at 2:30 and I didn't get back to sleep until 4 you can call me to GV. I'm usually up with a kid or a dog and remember 11:00 your time is 10 mine and I'm lucky if I get to bed before 1 am your one on a good day! Luv you sis I'm here call whenever.

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  6. Geneva, you have every right to be angry and sad and feel sorry for yourself. You are handling this ordeal much better than most people I know could.....including myself!! I'm sure that there is nowhere else that your Mom would rather be right now than with you.....she is one helluva woman!!! Things will get better as you heal and recover. Writing your blog was such a fantastic idea......it gives you the perfect outlet for your feelings......and we all appreciate being kept in the loop!! We all love you!!!
    Lots of Love, Linda xoxoxo <3

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  7. From my heart to yours.
    Helen

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  8. I'd be angry too Geneva. That passion for life and living is what's going to help you kick that cancer to the curb! You go girl!

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