Tape

I saw the surgeon again today. I was freaked out all morning because the hospital phoned this am and made an appt for me to go back in on Monday morning for another biopsy on my lymph node. Also, in the later morning I have to go back in and have another ultrasound on both boobies (sorry, the word breast just.... I like chicken breasts.) as the MRI picked up a small cluster of something in my right side. The surgeon is sure that all will be well as he didn't feel anything when he did the exam.

BUT before I saw him, I got myself all worked up, was sweating, freaking out, couldn't get a hold of Ken, didn't want to stress my Mom and Dad out and I thought my sis was at work. I felt like barfing, like I have for quite a few moments over the past week, but that is NOT an answer to any of my problems! So I decided on a shower instead to calm down and feel better.

As I was washing myself, Carson was standing at the glass door asking if he could have a quick shower with me, and Kate was chattering away on the side of the bath tub. I can't remember what she was talking about, but her fuzzy left over french braided hair looked so cute, and her huge eyes in her glasses made me lose myself for a minute. I thought of Wyatt being at school and how I wished they were all home for a group hug and hold.

I started to wash my arms... on my left arm were the remnants of the tape from the blood that was taken on Monday, and the MRI I had yesterday. It made me sad and I was picking it off as fast as I could. It made me remember when I had Wyatt. The tape that was on my upper left chest/shoulder area and hand, left over from the Epidural and IV, hadn't come off for days. I didn't want it too. Every time I looked at it I thought of my new precious gift from heaven, and I wanted the silliest things to last forever.... like the tape. Same feeling when I had Kate and Carson. I washed my hands often, but ever so carefully around the tape as not to scrape it off, as a tiny reminder of the miracle that was just brought into our lives. I know, sappy, as if the actual baby wasn't enough. But that same feeling wasn't there this morning. I wanted it off. I wanted to forget for a moment again that all this was happening.

Scene change - I did go out for lunch today with the kids and some girl friends to Burger King. The kids had fun there playing for a few hours. I got to laugh, talk, and just be me. The same miracle happened last night at my girlfriends baby shower. I got to just be me. That was the medicine that my heart ached for. Laughter and friends. The ability to forget for a while, and pretend that my life was the same as before. I am truly blessed.

I am thankful for my hubby who is always telling me to just keep talking to him no matter what. To always let him know what is going on and how I am feeling. It hurts me to see him so worried and uneasy right now. I wish I could be his rock and tell him everything is going to be fine, but he is mine. Together we will be strong enough to do it. We need each other. We were holding hands last night before bed, mine under the blanket and his on top and he said, "If something happens, promise me that you will hold my hand like this every night when I go to bed... like you are holding it through the veil." I told him to shut up. I wasn't going to die, but I still thought it was very sweet, and I promised I would.

I may or may not ramble on here for the next few days. I really want to have a fun weekend with our family and enjoy it all, even the frustrating parts of children who are defiant and don't listen very well. It's all part of being in a family I guess. If I need to vent, I will come on, but if not, have a great weekend and enjoy your family too! Hold them dear and love them every minute you can (I mean, even I am realistic. There are still several minutes during the day that I would like to hang them up by their feet, but I do see them differently than I used to.) Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts, they mean the world to us and we know that through all of you miracles will happen.