The last few days.

Day 1    

The first day of our trip was pretty uneventful – but it was still great.  We stayed at a place that had 6 cement pads for RV’s in Moscow ID.  Not our Canadian Rockies typical camp ground, but there was an awesome park right by it that the kids could run over and play at and we didn’t have to go with them.  We just called them every once in a while over to a bench where we could see them.   That sounds bad, we could see them most of the time but there was one part with some big slides that we couldn’t have full eyes on them.  We could hear them all the time though.

Safeway was just kitty corner to us so we headed over for some groceries.  We had pancakes the first night... and eggs of course.  The kids were so happy and tired.  They slept well.

Day 2

Ken really wanted to go to Hell’s canyon.  It is deeper than the Grand Canyon.  We headed through some crazy deep coulees.  At one point we were at 670ish ft above sea level and after we climbed back up we were 5500 feet.  The road was really windey (apparently that is not a word!) and narrow.  I swear we never went more than 100ft without there being some sort of repair made to the pavement.  The hills were so steep yet there were cows grazing all over them.

We followed our trusty GPS into the canyon to find a camping spot.  Honestly, all we found was... oh ya, nothing we got lost.  We finally arrived at Deliverance and asked for some directions.  Ken went into a pub/restaurant.  He said EVERYONE was wearing camo, including the women and they all had “sister wife” hair.  He felt a little out of place.  The lady that owned the place said if we drive about 30 miles on this dirt road we would eventually hit pavement again and that would take us to the lookout.  So we continued on... and on, and on, and on, and on until we eventually came to the country side of Deliverance, equally as freaky as the town.

Our not so trusty GPS got us lost and we got to see some of the homes up close – too close.  I am just kidding they weren’t too bad, but just not somewhere I was ready to set up the trailer for the evening.

There was however in the midst of Creepyville a beautiful little farm with peacocks.  They were several on the road, some in this persons yard,  one up on the roof of their house.  The males were fighting and the females were just wandering around.  The kids thought it was pretty cool and they were so excited because they had never seen a real peacock before.  It was really cute!

Throughout the trip that day we saw a bear, sheep, cows, goats, horses , baby gophers, a dead hawk and the peacocks... and Jack of course.  The kids had to put him in there!

We kept on driving and driving and driving we hit pavement and then started climbing and climbing and climbing and then we were behind a truck.   Yes, that truck is important in this story because it blocked the poor signage that actually showed us where the canyon was.  So, we missed it!  After all that, we missed it.

It was getting late and the kids were hungry, and so were we so we pulled over and cut up some cheese and had some crackers, and some veggies.  We continued along roads that went in and out and up and around and finally came to a BEAUTIFUL campsite by a lake.  We stayed there for the night.  My favorite part was falling asleep listening to the crickets.

Day 3

We packed up the camper and headed south some more.  We stopped for gas a few times and pulled over to the side of the road for a break because K was feeling sick.  Thought she was car sick at the time but she turned out to be really sick after all.

We took a walk down Antelope Rd and decided to play a game of hide and seek behind the sage brushes.  K counted first on the dirt road and we went and hid.

Then a car came so I hopped up so that they didn’t think she was some lost little girl, counting in the middle of a dirt road in the desert.  We stopped playing after that.

We kept on going until we hit Winnemucca for the night.  About 1 minute after we stopped the trailer, C came walking around the corner with a dead bird in his hands.  I don’t know if we hit it or what, but we gave him a good scrub with some purel.   After we set up we went out for supper and them came back “home” and watched a movie.  The kids slept really well.  C was so excited to sleep on the top bunk.  He did really well and didn’t even fall off.

K woke up at 3am and started barfing and that’s when I decided I would sleep much better in the truck.   I was sore when I woke up but at least I didn’t freak out every time I heard someone move.

We packed up the trailer again and now we are on our way to Reno!  YAY!!  We should be there in about 2.5 hours if all goes well.  I will post some more later.  Don’t know if we’ll do much today being as K isn’t feeling well but that is ok.  At least we are together! J

Well, she was feeling well enough to swim and I was so glad.  They had so much fun!

We arrived in Reno with an empty tank of gas and a flat tire on the trailer because we ran over a bolt.  We did our laundry, settled into the trailer AGAIN, swam and then roasted hot dogs over the charcoal grill under the stars.  It was awesome.  We are both so happy to have this time just for our family.  It's been great so far and I know will continue on that way!  Minus the rambunctious children at night...



Dr. Visit Today

I mean absolutely NO offence by this blog post.  This is strictly my point of view.  So if you don't like what I have said in the past don't read this.

I want to write this while my visit is fresh in my mind.  Like I have said before, I have complete respect and love for my Dr here.  He is amazing and I am thankful that he has my best interests in mind.  We had a really good chat today about these "spots" that have shown up in the PET scan.

Apparently Ken and I misunderstood our first chat with Dr so I apologize for that.  Dr explained everything to me today and pretty much said all of this...

"Differentiation between malignant and benign pulmonary nodules is a common problem encountered by radiologists which has provided the impetus to explore alternative imaging techniques. Accurate diagnosis can reduce unnecessary thoracotomies in patients with benign diseases. Metabolic imaging with 2-(18F)-fluoro-2-deoxy-D-glucose positron emission tomography (PET) is being used more and more to differentiate benign from malignant focal lesions and it has been shown to be more efficacious than conventional chest CT. It has a unique ability to differentiate benign from malignant nodules, and it offers a different approach to the diagnosis of chest diseases because it exploits fundamental biochemical differences between benign and malignant cells.

However, fluorodeoxyglucose (FDG) is not a cancer-specific agent, and false positive findings in benign diseases have been reported in active inflammation or infection, causing false-positive results. In addition, the malignant tumors with low metabolic activity or tumors smaller than 1.0 cm in diameter often show false negative results. Furthermore, the accuracy of FDG-PET scans in detecting pulmonary metastases in patients with cancer has not yet been established.

Awareness of the conditions and the mechanisms by which false positive and negative results occur will help radiologists interpret PET scans more accurately and also will help to determine the significance of the findings."

Meaning, just because it lit up in a PET scan doesn't mean that it is cancerous. 

This moved us onto the greatly debated biopsy.  Check out my image as follows:

You will have to excuse my computer graphics... as you see, I have none.  I am not sure if you can read what I wrote there or not but I will explain it for you.  The black area is malignant and the white area is normal tissue.  As was explained to me again today, if they go through the white area, but don't go in far enough, then they can assume that the growth would be benign, even if it was just a portion of the cancerous growth that was "ok". 

We already went through this exact scenario when I had my biopsy done on my lymph node.  The first test came back inconclusive and Dr wanted another test to be done because there wasn't enough node tissue in the sample.  Thankfully she is the brains behind this situation and asked for another one to be done because from that we determined that the node was positive and so the two ahead of it would also be positive thus making the important decision to not just to a lumpectomy with a sentinel node biopsy.  Had we just done that we would have missed the other 3 out of the 21 that were positive!

Back to the drawing, Dr said if we change the angle at which the biopsy would be done, then we would easily be able to get the sample that is malignant because you would be going at the growth from the bad side.

I know what he is thinking, the same thing Ken is thinking, "Why don't we just do the biopsy to see what we are dealing with and save us a pile of money that we don't necessarily need to be spending on treatment if isn't malignant?"  I completely agree with this BUT this is my body, and both of these men understand and respect that it is my decision even if it seems a little silly to them.

I know that from doing a biopsy you can seed the malignant cells as you pull the needle back out.  I have been reassured that this doesn't happen very often and more specifically only happens with certain types of cancer.  Well, you can't figure out what kind of cancer it is unless you have a biopsy or have the tumor surgically removed and have a pathology report done on it.  Then what?  "Sorry, it was a crappy type of cancer that can and does seed... again, sorry."  That isn't a great answer for me either.

I was also told that IF it does clear up doing any sort of alternative therapy, it was probably a benign growth in the first place or it was a misdiagnosis.  No room for miracles here?!

I guess what I am getting at is - I have fasted, prayed, read and researched and prayed some more and then some more.  Unless I do a biopsy, I will never know whether or not it was cancerous.  But even if I did a biopsy would I really know if it was anyways??  Depending on angles and such.  I have to trust my instinct, my own personal answers to my many, many prayers and the bit of knowledge that I have attained.  If the growths do clear up then what do I have to loose?  Have I wasted money?  Am I further behind because I never really knew what I was treating? 

I believe that cancer, like many diseases, needs to be treated from the inside out (I know what I believe is not what a lot of other people believe, so let's just agree to disagree.  Arguing around and around doesn't solve anything anyways.  Just frustrates us all.).  We can take drugs for all sorts of things to mask our problems, but if we never really heal the root of the problem are we any farther ahead??  Again, I know that there are modern medical miracles that could only be possible with the advancements in medicine.  If I got hit by a car am I going to ask to be taken to my naturopathic doctor?  No, I am pretty sure I would go right to the hospital.  If I had a baby stuck in my crotch (LOL sorry, hate the "v" word), would I ask my midwife to say a prayer and hope it comes out before either or both of us die?  Again, no, I am going to head off for surgery.  If I had a rapid growing flesh eating disease would I just put oil of oregano on it and hope for the best?  Nope to that either.  See what I am getting at, it all has it's place.  I can only trust my Father in Heaven and his hand, that I feel, is guiding me.

"Vegan's can't eat anything."

The most common question people ask me is what the difference is between vegetarian and vegan.  Some vegetarian's eat chicken, fish and the rest of the dairy products - eggs, cheese, milk and such.  Vegan's don't eat any products produced by animals.  No dairy and no meat at all.  Some are so hard core that they don't even wear clothing if it is made from animals - wool, leather etc.

Common misconception - "But you need protein and where do you get it from?"  If you combine the right foods together you can build proteins.  A good example is eating a salad made with lentils and rice.  They, together, make up a complete protein. 

I found this information off of this website http://www.savvyvegetarian.com/articles/get-enough-protein-veg-diet.php and they explain it really well.

Each plant food has its own unique amino acid profile, from green leafy veggies to tubers, from barley to quinoa, from lentils to tofu, from macadamias to brazil nuts. By eating a variety of plant foods with 'incomplete proteins' throughout the day, we can easily get enough 'complete protein.' For lacto and ovo-lacto vegetarians, any food can be complemented by the high quality proteins in dairy products or eggs, but it isn't at all necessary to include animal foods to get enough protein in your diet.

Your body puts together amino acids from plant foods to give you complete protein throughout the day. For instance, the amino acids in beans & lentils are balanced by those in grains, nuts and seeds, and vice versa.

Vegetables and fruits also contribute significant amounts of protein. A one cup serving of avocado, for example, has 3 grams of protein, and a medium potato with skin has 4 grams.

Vegans and vegetarians can't help getting all the essential amino acids, through eating different combinations of grains, legumes, nuts & seeds, vegetables & fruit several times throughout the day.

Eating for complete protein isn't a scientific system of food combining, where you have to keep track and analyze everything you eat. It's a natural traditional way of eating, which most human beings have thrived on, for thousands of years.

As a rough guide, the chart below shows some examples of foods which go together well. This chart is very limited, in reality the possibilities could fill several pages, and you don't need to rely on precise combinations of food for complete protein.

So vegetarians and vegan's still get protein.  Are you still confused about what Vegan's can eat?  Well, take a look at my completely vegan supper tonight!  It was delish and the kids loved it too.

Broccoli and Cheese Soup ("cheese" made from nutritional yeast that kinda looks like fish food flakes) and

Home Made Vegan Bun's (thanks A for your amazing bread recipe!!)

Sentimental-ness

Today I was at the bank.  As one of the tellers slammed her stamp into the ink pad I was all of a sudden 6 or 7 years old and at my Mom or Dad's side; high white counter tops all around and a brown/tan brick floor.  Later in the afternoon I was brushing my teeth.  The cool air floating in from the bathroom window, combined with smell of my minty toothpaste brought me back to all the happy memories that pop up when I think of our childhood vacation area, Fairmont. 

As I was preparing supper, C climbed up on me and wanted to see what I was making.  While I was sauteing the onions and garlic with this little man on my hip I was brought back to, not all that long ago, when I had my babes perched on my hip as I was preparing everything and anything.  And you know what?  I actually longed for it. 

So as I reflected on the things that took me back throughout my day, I was thankful for memories and smells and feelings and their strong ability to take us back... and help us remember those cherished memories.

Reno Update

Sorry I have taken a while to let you know what is going on.  It's been busy since we got home from Reno but I feel that I have absolutely nothing accomplished.

So our visit down there went really well we thought.  We saw Dr. F and he was really, really nice.  He really just looked me over and felt me up, just my non-boob though, it was kinda nice! And we talked a bit about this past year.

Then I went and had blood drawn for the chemo-s test.  It will take 7-10 days for it to come back and then we will be ready to start treatment.  I am very interested to see what the results of the test will be, because I am wondering what did work and maybe what did not.

After that we met with Dr. M.  He is AMAZING and so sweet.  I really love him.  I told Ken.  He is ok with it.  He explained the treatments to us and what would be happening with the cells and what not.  It was very interesting to hear and made a lot of sense to us.

Like I said, we left the office feeling really good about where we are headed.  I am very eager to get back down there and get going on things.

I am sorry again that this is so short, I am tired, I feel barfy and I think I ate too much cheese today - not so vegan - and I am feeling it now.  I will let you know when some more stuff starts to happen and we find out more info.  Thanks for all your prayers!

Mother's Day

I am proud everyday that I am a Mom.  Not just today.  I realized this more-so as Ken and I were sitting in Church in Reno, without our crazy bumpkins in the pew with us.  Yes, they drive me, but I felt so incomplete without them.  I missed their little faces getting right in mine, asking me when they could have some gum. I missed the hands flailing, papers flying and books being tossed over shoulders to find something quiet for them to do while they waited for the Sacrament to be blessed and passed.  I missed their hands scrambling over my body to crawl onto my lap... and YES, W still does this as well, not very often, but he still hops up there.

I had Ken, falling asleep beside me... in the pew... and twitching himself awake every few seconds when his head fell back a little too far.  When I bugged him and he said, "Oh sorry Miss. I-slept-all-the-way-down-here."  Not true.  But I did sleep more than him.  :)

Being a Mom is so much more than cleaning messes and teaching your kids.  Yes, that is a big part of being a Mom, but not the biggest.  Today I realized that being a Mom is having a connection, no matter where you are, how old you are, how happy you are or how busy you are. Those little ones that will always be yours.  Your hearts are tied and your arms will ache no matter the distance.  I truly felt today like my heart was reaching out and searching the crowd of people at church for my babes, coming back empty and unfulfilled.  That is when I realized that it doesn't matter the time or space, they are always going to be tied to me and I will love them no matter what.

Fill you in

I forgot I haven't really told you what is going on yet!  Ken and I are heading down to Reno this weekend.  I have my initial visit on the 15th.  I honestly - can't wait.  I just feel like so much hope and healing is going to come from this.  I want to jump in with both of my feet and Ken's.

They will take my blood to do the chemo sensitivity testing, and a hair sample and just have an over-all check up and over with the Dr.  I wonder if there will be more boobie feeling and such... there always is when there is a new person in the mix of our life.

I had to laugh today at one of my gf's A who was telling me about her "lumpy thing" getting checked out by her dr.  She will probably kill me for putting this on here but it was just so funny.  She said she felt awkward about letting him see her nipple so she was trying to cover it up.  I guess I am just so out of touch with the privacy that comes with that part of your body.  I thought it was for everyone to touch and feel?!  Isn't it?  ;)

Anyways, we'll keep you updated with how it goes.  I am sure I will have lots to blab about after our visit.

Oh my heart...

My heart is so full this evening with gratitude, hope and love.  I know I have told you before that I always seem to receive notes and little things, just when I need them.  Again, the hand of the Lord is ever present in my life. 

I am so touched with the love that people have for me and my family and our fight right now.  I can't believe (well I can - there are so many good people in this world!!) how much family, friends and complete strangers have done for us.  I honestly don't know where to start.  I wish I could send everyone a personal thank you note and give each and every person a hug.  I know it wouldn't be much, but know that is how I feel about you!

I have to mention a few things that happened to me today.  I got a note from a lady who's husband passed away from the awful pancreatic cancer.  She gave me encouragement and I needed it at that exact moment.  I had just been cleaning up K's bedroom, putting away all of her books and thinking how much we loved reading them and how many more are there that we do need to read together.  Then I was a little mad, frustrated and beat down.  We used to read them when I was healthy and happy.  I felt the bitterness starting to wash over and my thoughts turning towards a total negative melt down.  I came out of her room after tucking her in to check freakin' FB and noticed that there were a few messages for me.  Like I said, exactly when I needed it.  It turned me right around and gave me hope.  I can't tell you how far a little support goes.  It is nice to know that even though I am walking right into on-coming traffic, there are still a few who believe that it is the way that I need to go, to get where I am going to.

It is amazing the strength we can give to one another.  Even if we have never met.  Your words and kindness can go a long way in helping out others.  Please don't ever forget that.  You never know the impact you can have on anothers life even if what you do seems so small and insignificant.

This brings me to my next thing that has happened today.  In our home town, an auction is going on right now to raise MORE money for our family.  One, sweet little boy decided that he wanted to help out.  So he used his own money to buy two boxes of Smarties to donate.  One current bid is at $80.00 and the other $40.00.  My heart is so full.  I can't even express how I feel at the moment.  Little T, I just want you to know how special you are.  How you have touched not only my heart, but many, many others.  You are an amazing little man.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, more like the tips of my toes, for helping us. 

I can't wait to be able to give back to my family, my friends and my community.  You have all done so much for us.  The smallest gestures don't go un-noticed and there aren't words to describe how we feel for your love and generosity.  I think I have used up my big word quota for the day.

I love you guys!  And thank you.... again.... over and over...

Did you know?

Well, as you do know, I am trying to eat very well so I am doing my best at vegan and really well with vegetarian.  I am also trying to eat things that are very alkaline - which I hate because I do love fruit.  We haven't been drinking animal milk for a while and we have been having "almut" (almond) milk as K like to call it.  She love is - YA RIGHT!  She always says, "This tastes like "almut" milk" or "All I can taste is "almut" milk."

She'll be happy to know that I have come across another alkaline milk  Breast milk.   Ya, that's what I said.  And no thank you.  We'll stick with almut!

Strong

This morning I went for a run.  Just me, myself and my music.  The sun was shining on my face, it was warm, the grass is getting green and once I got going I felt so strong.  At the end of my run, my last song, was "That's Who I Am" by, you guessed it, Hilary Weeks.  Did you know I met her??  Yup.  I did.  She is beautiful inside and out. 

Anyways, I just had to share the lyrics of this song with you.  You'll see why I love it.

That's Who I Am
by Hilary Weeks

I can feel myself breathe
Really breathe again
Gonna let myself dream
Truly dream again
I won't ever stop trying
This is my story
And I'm still writing

I'm uncovering strength
I've never felt before
There's a fire inside
That's never burned before
My fears are all dying
It's time to spread my wings
And start flying

This moment is mine and I'm gonna take it
Today is a gift
I will embrace it
I am strong and I believe that's who I'm meant to be
Every step that I take is lifting me higher
Every corner I turn the future is brighter
I am brave enough to face the storm
And still stand
That's who I am

It's not about the race
It's not how fast I run
It's finding out what's inside
And who I can become
It's all about letting go and holding on
It's about taking chances
And staying strong

This moment is mine and I'm gonna take it
Today is a gift
I will embrace it
I am strong and I believe that's who I'm meant to be
Every step that I take is lifting me higher
Every corner I turn the future is brighter
I am brave enough to face the storm
And still stand
That's who I am

Remember this song when you are struggling and feel like the world it too much for you to handle.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  Not get your game face on and get 'er done!!

Filled

Today my day was filled with a handsome, freckle faced boy, in a dusty grey shirt, yellow belt and a tie to match.  He was tall on me and looked to old to be my own.  His beautiful blues sparkled as he shyly showed me the outfit that Ken and him had picked out for church.  He is growing and I am so thankful for every moment that I get to stare at this boys face.  He melts my heart.  He is strong, caring, crazy and all mine.

She was beautiful today.  I watched her long, lean legs and cute, round, naked bum as she pulled the elastic from her braid and got ready for her bath this morning.  It wasn't too long ago that I used to hold that little bottom in my hand with her little baby body, half hanging over my shoulder...  Her milky complexion and adorable upturned nose catches my attention at any moment.  Especially when she is staring at me through her strands of loose hair with her big blue eyes; most often a giggle just ready to escape her lips.  She reminds me of me. 

Today my little guy, dressed himself, by himself.  He wore a stained white t-shirt, black dress pants, a  grey vest and a green and brown tie.  He was equally as handsome as his big brother.  When we got home from church, he donned a pair of green Nike shorts and a grey shirt that was an 18 month size that said "Mommy's little prince".  It is true.  He ditched the shorts while we all watched a movie and I couldn't stop staring at his knobby little knees and his grey socks with black heels and toes, pulled up to his calves.  He is growing.  He is changing.  His little tummy is lengthening out as he does and his chubby baby fingers are loosing their pudge and dimples.

Moments like these I bathe in and soak up as many details as I can.  They are precious.  They are a gift.  They are the reasons that I will live and love and laugh.  They are why I keep going.  They are why I keep trying.  They are why, I will never give up. 

The Results

This morning was short of pure hell.  You would think that finding out you had cancer was the some of the worst possible news that you could ever get.  Well, waiting to find out if it is metastatic is worse.  Like I said yesterday, I did really well until about bed time.  That is always my worst time; when I need to just go to sleep and give my brain a rest. So I did that.

This morning I went for a run with some of my girlfriends.  I thought it might clear my head and give me some calm.  I was wrong.  I was distracted and I found I just couldn't get into the run today.  So I held up the girlies (sorry!!) and walked... a lot.  When I got home I started to get the kids ready for school.  I went into the bathroom to shower and I lost it.  Ken tried to hold me and ease my mind, but it just kept racing.... thinking about all of the worst possibilities.  So I hopped in the shower and cried my friggin' eyes out.  And then I cried some more.  When I got out W asked me if I was crying and I told him I was all red from my run.  He isn't stupid.  He knew I was crying.  Anyways, I held it together and got the kids off to school.

Ken tried calling the clinic and then the oncology unit at the hospital but neither were open yet.  He headed off to work.  I sat at the kitchen table while Mom and C played some games and Dad read - something, I am not sure what.  I broke down quite a few more times with them about how hard this is and that I can't do it.  We all cried.  C kept looking at me and I would smile and he'd smile back.  Poor little fart, doesn't understand.  That is probably good though.  It was healing though.  I don't like to cry with my parents because like I have said before, I can't even imagine how hard this is for them.  But it was ok today.  I needed it and I think they did too.

I called VCC and asked for my results which the told me the Dr. already had because he is on the same computer system.  I then phoned the O unit back and asked the sweet nurse to see if she could get results a little quicker for me.  I was seriously just sick.

Dr called me back at 11:15am.  He told me that the one spot did light up/showed as active and that there was another small spot, a lymph node at the base of where my bronchial tubes separate into my lungs that also lit up.  The spot in my right lung has only grown 1mm in the past 3 weeks so I consider that a huge blessing.  Before it was averaging about 3mm per month so I think this is pretty good.   Also and most importantly to me, my liver and spleen are clear and my bones do not have any lesions on them.

It would be best to not have stage IV cancer, but there are many people who have success even with stage IV.  So, like I said to my Gramma, I took the boards back out side from the garage, put them back on the fence and stopped building my coffin.  She didn't really laugh.

PLEASE keep praying for us.  Pray that it will continue to grow slowly and that it won't travel to any other places in my body at this time - ESPECIALLY my brain.  Your prayers are so important to each and every individual of our family.  And may God bless you always for praying for us.

Ken and I have made our decision.  We are going to go to Reno for treatment.  I have felt peace every single time I have thought about Reno.  I haven't been confused or stressed.  Now we are just waiting to hear back from their office so we can set up our first visit in which I will have blood taken and it will be shipped to Greece for a chemo-sensitivity test to see which chemo's would be most effective in treating what is going on.  They test a hair sample to see if your body is overloaded with heavy metals.  I just really feel that Dr. F is going to be amazing and thorough and like I have said before, I have hope.  And that to me, is priceless.

Two Great Days!!

I was such a big girl yesterday!  I went the the airport to catch my flight (SO not like me) at 6:30am.  Got my ticket, went through security and sat and waited.  Boarded the plane (I know most of you know how all this works, but this is the third time I have ever done this in my life.  It was a big deal.) and flew to Vancouver.  I called the Free Masons when I got there and they came and picked me up and took me to my appointment.

Upon arrival in the PET room, I instantly saw one of my dearest friends.  We have been friends since we were in Kindergarten.  K was sweet enough to meet me at VCC and wait with me while doing this whole scan thing.  She made me read things that I didn't think were important, she reminded me that I needed to stay calm and not laugh when I was supposed to be relaxing, she talked to me the whole 10 minutes that I was having the scan done.  It was hard because I wasn't allowed to move and sometimes it was just freakin' funny!!

It was so nice to spend the afternoon with her.  I  haven't seen her since W was little and I was preggers with K!  After we were done at VCC we took our free ride back to the airport.... as you know, I felt pretty grown up.  We enjoyed lunch together and laughed and talked some more.  I just can't tell you how nice it was.... but I am trying.  Then we did our lengthy good-bye and I went back through security - they didn't find my humor quite as entertaining as they did in Cranny.  And then I was back behind the glass wall waiting for the plane ride home.

We boarded the plane, I read a little and fell asleep with my book in my hand and when I woke up we were about 15 mins outside Cranbrook.  The plane safely landed, yes, I always expect otherwise, and we were free to go.  I walked all cool like to the bronco, opened the door and started it up... and tried again.... and again... I left the lights on and Ken had to come out and rescue me by giving me a jump.  I was so annoyed with myself.  I wanted to waltz through the door at home like it was just a regular day and be so proud of myself, and then I was reminded that I need help too.

***

And yesterday was my 32nd birthday!  I am so young still but for all that I have gone through, I feel so old at the same time.  And with test results looming in the horizon, I couldn't help but think a few times if this would be my last birthday.  I honestly know it won't, but sometimes and especially in this situation, the negative is a little more at the forefront of my mind.

BUT I chose to try and ignore it as best I could.  One of my closest friends called me FIRST - yes, Ken forgot to wish me a happy birthday.  He said, "Babe you are going to have to get up with the kids this morning because I have to get to work."  I usually am up with the kids.  Maybe one morning a week I want him to be the first on up and at 'em.  Regardless, I was happy when she phoned and we chatted for quite a while and I wasn't so annoyed with Ken when I got off the phone with M.

Then another one of my besties came over at noonish to bring me my gift.  She came to the door and said it was to big and she needed some help to bring it in.  So I went out to her vehicle, wondering if she made me a doll house or what, and my GF from Red Deer was in the truck!!!  I was so excited.  The kids all wished me a happy birthday.  It was so sweet. 

Then my parents came into town, my GF's watched C for us and we headed out to the Mission for lunch with Ken.  It was so nice to have a wonderful lunch without my boundless ball of boy with us... as cute as he is. 

After that, the kids came home from school, I picked up C from T's house and we went and paid a parking ticket that I got while on my adventure in Vancouver.  Lame!!  Then we headed home and Mom, C and I went to get some groceries and then came home and started supper.  My parents took W to guitar, then Ken came home, we ate, got the kids in bed and then watched a movie.  I fell asleep in it for the second time.  I'll have to finish it up today sometime.  It was a really good movie.

***

I only took a few moments to be nervous about today and the PET results.  Although I am nervous and somewhat sick to my gut (again, I am good at preparing for the worst) I know that no matter what happens, help is on the horizon and all will be welll.  I'll post for sure later this afternoon to let you know what is up.

I just have to tell you one thing that Ken told me and made me cry yesterday.  W and Ken were having a heart to heart because W never wants to go to his swimming lessons.  He hides in the bathroom because him tummy hurts.  I know why.  It is because he is worried. 

W is concerned that I will die.  Holy tear jerker!!!  So Ken was telling him that if Heavenly Father really needs me home then that is ok and that they will be alright.  Are tears streaming down your face yet?  I couldn't contain mine!!  W asked Ken if he would get married again.  Ken said he wasn't sure.  W said that he hoped that he wouldn't because Mommy could never be replaced.  I hope and pray and have faith, that I will never have to be replaced too.  Please continue to pray for my children.  It means so much to me us.