This morning was short of pure hell. You would think that finding out you had cancer was the some of the worst possible news that you could ever get. Well, waiting to find out if it is metastatic is worse. Like I said yesterday, I did really well until about bed time. That is always my worst time; when I need to just go to sleep and give my brain a rest. So I did that.
This morning I went for a run with some of my girlfriends. I thought it might clear my head and give me some calm. I was wrong. I was distracted and I found I just couldn't get into the run today. So I held up the girlies (sorry!!) and walked... a lot. When I got home I started to get the kids ready for school. I went into the bathroom to shower and I lost it. Ken tried to hold me and ease my mind, but it just kept racing.... thinking about all of the worst possibilities. So I hopped in the shower and cried my friggin' eyes out. And then I cried some more. When I got out W asked me if I was crying and I told him I was all red from my run. He isn't stupid. He knew I was crying. Anyways, I held it together and got the kids off to school.
Ken tried calling the clinic and then the oncology unit at the hospital but neither were open yet. He headed off to work. I sat at the kitchen table while Mom and C played some games and Dad read - something, I am not sure what. I broke down quite a few more times with them about how hard this is and that I can't do it. We all cried. C kept looking at me and I would smile and he'd smile back. Poor little fart, doesn't understand. That is probably good though. It was healing though. I don't like to cry with my parents because like I have said before, I can't even imagine how hard this is for them. But it was ok today. I needed it and I think they did too.
I called VCC and asked for my results which the told me the Dr. already had because he is on the same computer system. I then phoned the O unit back and asked the sweet nurse to see if she could get results a little quicker for me. I was seriously just sick.
Dr called me back at 11:15am. He told me that the one spot did light up/showed as active and that there was another small spot, a lymph node at the base of where my bronchial tubes separate into my lungs that also lit up. The spot in my right lung has only grown 1mm in the past 3 weeks so I consider that a huge blessing. Before it was averaging about 3mm per month so I think this is pretty good. Also and most importantly to me, my liver and spleen are clear and my bones do not have any lesions on them.
It would be best to not have stage IV cancer, but there are many people who have success even with stage IV. So, like I said to my Gramma, I took the boards back out side from the garage, put them back on the fence and stopped building my coffin. She didn't really laugh.
PLEASE keep praying for us. Pray that it will continue to grow slowly and that it won't travel to any other places in my body at this time - ESPECIALLY my brain. Your prayers are so important to each and every individual of our family. And may God bless you always for praying for us.
Ken and I have made our decision. We are going to go to Reno for treatment. I have felt peace every single time I have thought about Reno. I haven't been confused or stressed. Now we are just waiting to hear back from their office so we can set up our first visit in which I will have blood taken and it will be shipped to Greece for a chemo-sensitivity test to see which chemo's would be most effective in treating what is going on. They test a hair sample to see if your body is overloaded with heavy metals. I just really feel that Dr. F is going to be amazing and thorough and like I have said before, I have hope. And that to me, is priceless.