You might ask "What an odd question? And WHY would anyone think this way?" Well, I have wondered many times over the past few years if this is the actual "will of my Father." I have wondered as the news that keeps on coming always seems worse than the time previous.... I have wondered as I have had to endure things that I thought I would never have to face... I have wondered as my body feels like it is growing weaker at times instead of stronger, "Will I be able to get back to health this time and truly make a difference?" I have wondered and asked Ken what the point is. Shouldn't I just give up and give into His will. What is the point of fighting against it if he already knows His plan for me. Ken always says, "If the Savior or our Father in Heaven was standing right here, would they tell you to give up? Would they tell you to quit? Would they tell you it's fine not to try anymore?" Well, no, I don't think they would. And to be honest, I feel, deep down inside of me that I will have a miracle in my life. I don't know how many years, days or hours, but I feel and have been blessed with blessings to feel that it will be longer than anyone would think. But having said that, I have to share this talk with you. Because I most certainly have the faith, to not be healed.
This talk was given by Elder Bednar, one of the members of our church who is an apostle of God. He is a man of great faith and love and as heart breaking and true as his talk is, I loved it. He councils those facing adversity to "Shrink Not". Again, I know this is from our church, and although it and I will be talking about it from my perspective, we ALL face trials and how we deal with them, no matter what they are, I believe it's important to do our best.
“Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer,” he taught. “And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.”
I believe this with all my heart. I know I was sent here to learn and live through the trials of my life to become ultimately what God wants me to become. Not what I think is the best for me to be. He has a plan for me and as heartbreaking and depressing as that plan might seem at times, I said I would take it on and do it.
When I think of my husband and children I think, "How could me not being a part of this family possibly be the best answer for raising the family we planned to?" "How could my children not having THEIR mother, be the best answer?" Again, it comes down to complete faith in His plan. And that isn't easy. But like I said, ultimately, I want to become who he intends me to be.
He then goes on to talking about picking up one of the other Apostles one day at the airport who was also going through cancer treatments, Elder Neal A Maxwell. Elder Bednar asked him, “During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness,” Elder Bednar stated. “I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave: ‘I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.’”