Saturday, March 2, 2013

No snappy headings.

Well, yesterday proved to be a little discouraging for me.  We found out that my tumor markers have almost doubled since Christmas.  They were 61 and now they are 127... I guess that is more than doubled.  But, like Ken said, tumor markers can fluctuate all the time, tumor markers can even be high in people that don't have cancer and it's not like when you get to a certain number your dead.  But like I said to Ken, it's kind of like gaining weight, the lower the number, the better it is.

We learned a few things through this process.  I most certainly need to take my diet seriously.  I completely believe that it can and will make a difference.  Taking two months off to do whatever I want/ed is not the best idea I have ever had.  But, it has been a difficult few months of process and trying to get my body back to what I was doing before, which is really hard when all of the doctors that I have seen have basically told me to stop doing everything I was doing while doing what I did do... got that?  :)  Little confusing.  Like, stop taking my supplements, not juicing, not a lot of anti-oxidants, no chemo...  I feel that, obviously, I have taken a step back, but I have my new resolve... again, and I am good to go.  I really just want to feel healthy from the INSIDE out again.

I am still slowly cutting back my dex.  I think I might have forgotten to take it today so I have felt a little off, just a bit dizzier than normal and a bit of a head ache, but this week was a busy and emotional week.  We had a funeral of a very special woman in our lives, all our lives.  It was hard on the kids and hard on us.  But it was a beautiful celebration of her life and all I could really do was think of all the times she made me laugh, and how she loved and what an amazing woman she was. 

I am still very tired and confused easily.  I really feel like a kiddo again.  And I often act like one.  I really try very hard to act like an adult and most importantly, be a happy Mommy and wife and if I am well rested then this is usually the case.  I just really miss feeling like myself.  And honestly, I am tired of making decisions regarding cancer.  I want to think about building a home, where to vacation in the next year or so, doing my hair, running, feeling strong... the list goes on and on.  I think it's best for me to head off to bed. 

I forgot, I had my MRI yesterday and we meet with the Dr on Monday to discuss two new chemo drugs.... the one drug is the drug that I have already been on from Reno.  Wow hey!!  Conventional meet conventional and more natural.  It was just kind of funny to Ken and I that our oncologist  here in Canada wanted to put me on this "drug" that I was already taking.  And then adding another one to it.  I will try it out I think and see how I feel.  Like I said, I can tell from their eyes they aren't that hopeful, just giving me "time".  Again, no one knows how much that is and I don't want their estimates.

Hopefully we will know more from the MRI results... I am not expecting anything great, bad attitude I know, but I feel like the silver lining is just too hard to reach for sometimes and I am just prepared for the worst.  I am good at that.  I am sure it will say that I need to have the stereotactic radiation.  But a small part of me is waiting for worse news... I guess I always do.  Again, time for me to head to bed... this isn't going anywhere good.

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