Well, like most things, it seems we weren't lucky enough to be able to have called the light brain radiation to have been enough to take care of things. In fact, both the spots have grown, one doubled, and there is another spot in the cerebellum that is still small enough to be taken care of by the stereotactic. So it looks like we will be heading out to Vancouver at some point soon to have that done. Dr. M is putting me on the urgent list (freaks me out a little but I want to work with these buggers while we still can) to get me there quickly. They can only do this type of thing up to a certain size so I am anxious to get it done.
We talked to the Dr here today about starting chemo again, but Dr. M wants me to wait to start on the chemo... Dr here also said that the tumor markers could be up because of die off from the surgery, and also quite often my markers might continue to go up while I first start chemo again because of cell die off. Whatever, I don't know what to think anymore.
Ken and I had another really good talk yesterday... teary and realistic, but good. I said I am just tired of cancer. Not fighting, I will never stop fighting. But I just want to get a job, make some money so I can spend some money (LOL), have fun, not talk about cancer or think about it every single day. I want to laugh with my family, watch a million movies and snuggle up with them. I want to feel normal and happy and do things that you all do. I can't wait to do my hair again and feel like me. I just want to focus elsewhere. Cancer is exhausting. Physically and mentally. And thinking about it all the time doesn't do anyone any good.
Plus it seems my heart breaks every day for another person who's battle just got harder, or a new person with a diagnosis, or someone who lost their battle. It is very hard not to compare my life to theirs and wonder if that is what is next for me. The good ole', "don't look at the train wreck" thing. I pray for these people and their families. I hate what they have to go through because I have to do it too and I know how they feel and I wish there were some way to take it away.
I am thankful for the peace that I do find within the arms of the Savior. I can honestly say I would be living in hell if it weren't for Him... and family, and all of your prayers and positive thoughts. Well, I am going to run, fold laundry like a normal mom, I guess that's kinda fun... and watch a movie. God bless you all and thank you for your continued support.