Just like you.

Today, I am not amazing.  Honestly, I never think I am amazing.  We all just have to do what we have to do in certain situations, and surviving is not amazing... it's natural.  To be honest, I am having an awful day.  I just want to be normal.

I literally feel like my world is crumbling before me today.  I don't want to die.  Ya, that is morbid.  I think it's because I am tired and had a fun, but busy weekend.  It's a beautiful day, it's Easter Sunday, I have so many blessings, but I just feel awful.

I am maybe a little apprehensive about starting the new chemo drug... (instant tears.  I'M 32 YEARS OLD!!!  WHY AM I ON CHEMO DRUGS?  THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A YOUNG PERSON DISEASE!) 

Heard of another person's funeral who's coming up was because of cancer.  Everyone
dies of cancer... or so it seems.  Why should I have hope?  Where is my hope?  I'm sorry I am not uplifting today.  I really wish you could have seen mine and Ken's conversation on our bed after church, which I missed because I was sick.  I think it would have helped me out a lot to able to be there today, not left to my own thoughts for an hour.  My sis was here until 12:30pm so she kept my mind busy and occupied, but when she left - doom and gloom.

I sobbed uncontrollably.  Voiced all my fears.  Which never really change.  I have blogged about them all before.  Same old depressing crap.  What bad news are the next set of scans going to bring?  How much time do I really have on this earth?  How long to I have to make a lasting and meaningful impact on my children's lives?  How long do I get to be in my husbands arms?  I know we don't know.  I know none of us really know.  But at least most of you don't have to think about how you are probably going to die.  How horrible is it going to be?  How much will it hurt?  I can tell you I am sure it will be mentally horrible, that's for sure.  I just don't want to die.

I feel like everything is out of my control.  I feel like there is nothing that I can do to make anything better.  Sorry to be like this, but, these days are very real too.  I am not happy and positive all the time.  I am terrified and faithless at times, as you can see.  I worry and wonder and - just - keep - breathing.  Seriously.  That's about all I can control some times.