Finally...

Well... I have taken many steps in the past two weeks with my hair. I went from hair that I have always wanted, to high school hair that I have always wanted to try out again, and a shaved head that I NEVER wanted. But, life takes you on it's own journey and sometimes you just have to go. Even if you NEVER wanted to.

It's been a rough few weeks for me emotionally. Again, no one really sees me cry except Ken. And the day I chopped my hair off, I cried so hard that my fake eye lashes were coming off. I never cease to be as sexy and I possibly can. They looked great with my smeared make up and red blotchy face as a result of giving in to the tears. Ken told me though that I still looked beautiful and he would "pick me" again and again. I just love this man. He puts up with so much because I am SO far from perfect. He is a trooper and my hero because he loves me.

It's been hard for me because I really feel quite ugly. I am not saying this to have everyone say that I am still so beautiful or that I am so amazing. It is just the truth. I hated my hair after it was cut because I didn't like how the highlights in it made me look. So yesterday I bought a box of hair dye for $4.69 and did it up nice and dark. I figured if it looked bad, who cares, it would be coming out in the next week or so. That's when I noticed that some of my hair started to come out. But I thought it might have been from the dye.

I liked it dark...

Then I showered this morning and lots of my hair was coming out while I was washing it and drying it and styling it, and I could pull it out easily. So we took matters into our own hands tonight and had a head shaving party.

Our "before". K really wanted to shave her head as well but I asked her not too so that I would have someones hair to do. She was still really sad and wanted to do hers but I am sure that a few days after doing it she would hate it. I told her we'll wait a few days and if she really wants to do it we'll talk. She is such a sweetie!!

First up! Mom...

Three of the most precious hands in the world; checking things out.

Next up, my babe. He was excited and hopped right on the stool. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to do it, I have a major love for my little guy's locks!! But he wanted to do it so we let him. We had some fun first!

An old man cut... (sorry to those of you whose hair does look like this, I am not trying to be offensive) C was right into it!

Next up, W. He was kind of nervous and worried that kids at school will make fun of him tomorrow morning... I hope they don't. My heart would break!

We had some fun with him too! ;)

K had a very special job so she didn't feel left out. She got to cut Daddy's hair and Grandpa's hair! Ken was a turd and kept scaring her every time she put the clipper's to his head... my poor little girl.

I feel really special that Dad cut his hair too!! He said he wouldn't just do it for anyone. I am a lucky gal. We are so blessed from those who have loved us, laughed with us, cried with us and helped us along our way so far... we are so thankful.

Dad said it was up to Mom... Mom said it was up to Dad... At least they were both smiling in the end!

I'll take a better group pic of us tomorrow and put it up. I look horrid in the photo's so I will have a shower and redo my face in attempt to draw your eye away from my "Canadian tire". All in all, it was a great night. And I pretty much smiled the whole time. And I still feel OK.

The new locks.... or lack there of.

Thank you to everyone who told me what they would do with
their hair. I decided that being as I was going to be loosing it soon, that I would just go short.... like when I was in high school. I took 16 inches off and am 99% sure that I will donate it to Locks of Love or something like it.



I did ok and I have to thank Stace for making the day that I was dreading for the past few months not SO hard. I have had a major melt down once we put the kids to bed. (Not just about hair, about my entire self image.) It is just hard to have everything so different.... even if it is just for a while. So I will finish up with the talk and show you my new hair - for a week or so anyways! ;)

A few tidbits.

There have been a few things that I have been thinking about as of late. They are funny to me - I guess. Some of them are random and some have to do with the development of "my boobies".

1. I always want our master bedroom to be a place in the house where there is organization and peace. A place where I can go and rest and feel calm. It drives me nuts when my kids jump on the bed and ruin the pillow placement after I have made the bed. Wreak havoc on any room you want to (and they do) but NOT our room. It is not a toy room, it is our room. Having said that, there are a few items in it that I would have never thought would have been part of our decor. For starters, the barf bucket. I have not used it since Thursday night, but I am afraid to have it too far from my reach. Nothing screams sexy like a barf bucket!!!

2. The next item in the room is a sleeve of Premium Plus crackers on my night side table.... oh and the crumbs in the bed.... and the crumbs all over the floor because the kids eat them everywhere because I leave them there. It's more of a hamster cage than a retreat.

3. At night when I sleep, I like to be warm. Not hot, warm. So I usually have a fan beside the bed. Currently there are three fans and a humidifier. So, I guess it's more of a pack rat hamster cage. I found a small fan that sits on the night stand (it's really cute) and it blows on my face all the time. Then there is a big fan that Ken bought to replace a broken fan which are both currently on the floor, and then the humidifier is in the corner for added touch I guess. Man, I need some motivation.

4. When I get motivation, I will clean up the random clothing piles and odd toys that make their way into our room, like C's favorite toy gun... and a little alien from Toy Story, and a few other items under the bed but I don't care because I don't see them.

Onto the boobs.

5. When I was a little girl, I always wanted "breasts". Big ones. I don't know why, but I did. I remember one time when my cousin Trish was visiting us in the summer, we went to bed and were giggling and being silly. Mom came upstairs to tell us it was time to go to sleep and we started talking about "breasts". We all wanted them so we were asking my Mom what size ours were. She said that my cousins were like grapes on a bread board, mine were like raisins on a bread board and my sisters were like a sunflower seed on a bread board. We laughed and laughed some more. Never in my life did I think I would have one "OK" boob and one the equivalent of a hollowed out bread board. Hmmmmm.... a little regression there I think. ;)

6. Finally one day when I was 24 (I am sure it took that long) I had a decent chest so I thought. I was perky, there were in proportion to my body and my nips both pointed in the same direction... I always thought they would...

7. Then, I had kids. Got huge boobs when my milk came in; so badly that my chest looked something akin to blood shot eyes... right up there with the barf bucket on sexy!! After I finished nursing my first babe, I remember going out somewhere (by this time they had shrunk down to "droobies" as my one GF so spot on!! named them. Oh, you don't know what a droobie is? It is a droopie boobie. It looks like a deflated balloon with a jube jube stuck somewhere on the bottom of it.... Yes, X-nursing boobs!!) anyways, and I was shocked to notice that my nipples did not point in the same direction anymore, unless I made a real effort to make them. One would be looking high to the left, while the other was sad, looking down at something to the right. That was a problem for me. So I was always on top of making sure that they pointed as much to the proper direction that they could. Of course all of this was only truly noticeable when I got cold, but then it was even more embarrassing to have them not agree on where they were supposed to be at. (Damn droobies!!!)

8. Fast forward a few years and cut off one droobie, well, it looked ok because I am at the same weight I was when I gave birth to my third so I have a bit of "perk" I guess we'll say.

9. Go out in public and try and make the "Girls" look good. Well..... I only got one "girl". So I have a crafty little cami that I can STUFF!!! a foam "breast" into. I was honestly excited when I first got it. It made me feel alright and not so weird looking. But upon closer examination, I realized it was much smaller than the real deal.

10. So, one day, I went downstairs to our very expensive couch cushions stuffed with cotton batting (I think that's how you spell it, that white fluff crap), unzipped it and proceeded to STUFF my poser until it looked plump enough to match the other. Ahhhhh, there. That looked pretty darn good for a small football being shoved down the front of my shirt. And yes, that led to another problem... it gave me a shelf if I moved the wrong way and it totally looked horrible.

11. A little stuffing never hurt anyone right? So, I decided to fill the gap between my "hollowed out bread board" and upper old breast (confused yet) with some more cotton batting. That way I would have a more natural shape. :) (add an eye roll with that smiley face!) Well.... this was funny, I was talking to someone and my neck was getting itchy, so I later felt around (didn't want to make it TOO obvious) and realized the the cotton fluff was coming out of it's hiding place.... yes, out of my shirt! If you know me, love me and or have any care for me at all PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU SEE IT!!! I think I have fixed the problem, for now, but I am sure something else will come up.

12. A foam boob does not have any weight. So, screw the nipple problem, now I have to worry if my fake is up higher than my real boob. And it seems to ride up every time I move. Now when I get out of a vehicle, stand up from a chair or anything else like this I have to re-tuck the cami into my socks, you know, to hold the foamy down, pull all my layering shirts to the right location and zip up my hoodie all while trying to keep people focused on my face and not all the action that is going on in the left region of my old breast's stomping grounds!

13. WHAT DO I DO NOW WHEN I GET COLD!!!!!! Buy a jube jube???

That's enough for one night... the one tit wonder is signing off.

Blog last night, ya right!!!

Before - Happy as a clam. This is just the IV going into my portacath... no biggie.

We will NOT be showing any after pic's!! But I can sum them up for you. Running down the hallway, bright white face, faded brown freckles, pretty hair though - pulled into a bun (don't want any barf in it!) and over sized clothing... beautiful. After my first barf I laid on the bathroom floor trying to cool off. It worked and I was ok until 2am. Then I was sick again and slept pretty well until 8ish. I'll take it, but I want a nap today!

But I just kept thinking that this is for the good and that I can do it!! I took all the meds like I was supposed to, but I guess the drugs got the best of me. I really wanted to be able to not barf during this whole thing, but whatever. This is life.

W is a bit terrified of me currently. He doesn't really want to touch me because he is afraid of getting sick too! We told him that "Mommy doesn't have the flu" and you can't get sick from me, but he doesn't get it. And if I was him at that age too, I would have avoided my Mom like she had the plague! Poor little guy. I hope that he will eventually believe that he won't get sick from me. I only have 2 more of these chemo treatments and then next ones side effects don't include nausea... just some other crap. I am sure I can deal with that.

But honestly, now that I don't feel like I am going to die on the bathroom floor, I feel pretty good. I feel like I have a sunburn, maybe that is from the HORRIBLE hot flashes that I had last night. I thought that I was going to spontaneously combust from the inside out. I was sweating like a freak.... am I over exaggerating, or is this what a hot flash is like?? I feel sorry for menopausal women. That has gotta suck! But I am really red in my face and upper body, but I don't have a fever.

I have taken my meds as prescribed and I am taking Gravol for a few days until I know that I won't be needing it. I am not even going to fart around with the idea of being O.K. I am much more O.K. if I am not nauseated!!

I am sure that Ken had a crappy sleep last night because every time I moved I know he was worried if I would wake up and be sick again. Poor guy, I should let him sleep somewhere else. But I love knowing he is beside me. It makes all the difference.

Enough of my "glamorous" shots (trust me, I know I am not glamorous). Cancer is not that pretty and neither am I right now so I though I would show you what I do look like... post barfing of course!!! ;)
It looks like I just got back from a run.... little secret, I didn't!!! LOL What a red blotchy face, at least there is some color! I look hot with leftover eyelash glue on my eyes and yesterdays mascara all over my face! "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

"Mommy, when is your hair going to fall out?"

A question that the kids, especially K has asked me quite often. I guess she is excited that it will be coming out?? I am not sure. I honestly think she will cry when she see's me do it. I am sure I will too, so we can hug each other and give it our all! ;) I am thankful for the shoulder's I can cry on, although I don't feel the need to really cry a lot right now. Like I said, I am sure that chemo is going to be the tough one for me, but I still feel strong.

So back to the hair. I am sad that I am going to loose it. At the same time I just want to cut it and get it over with. I feel like I have been waiting forever for it to happen even though I haven't started any treatments or anything, but just the wait is crappy. Knowing that it is coming... but who knows when. Three weeks? Six weeks? I don't want to cut it too early, but I don't want to wait until it is falling out in huge long clumps.

It is truly one of the only things that makes me feel beautiful and I don't know what I will be able to hide behind when it is gone. Nothing. I will just be out there. Hope my wig comes in soon!! ;)

I used to hate getting ready and doing my hair just because it takes forever. BUT I love having long hair. It has taken me 4 years to grow it out to this stage. I am sad it is going to take that long to do it again!! I guess I can make a goal that by the time I will hopefully be 5 years cancer free, I will have my locks again! That is something to look forward too!

My port.

The portacath is healing up really well I think. I had Ken take the dressing off of it yesterday and he pulled off the steri-tape with it. I was freaking out a bit because I was worried that the incision would open up and then I would probably pass out. So Ken, what a sweet guy, put some waterproof bandaids in it for me. I will pull them off maybe Thursday at chemo??? Not sure.

It doesn't look like much but it is sensitive that's for sure. And I would say for sure that it is nothing in comparison to having the mastectomy. LOL I knew I would feel differently about it after a few days.

Last night Ken slept with Wyatt in our bed just to have a sleepover. When I went to bed I was all snuggled in with them but then decided to sleep somewhere where I would be more comfortable. First of all, I usually sleep on my stomach. Well having a boob cut off changed that for me. So I was sleeping (finally!) very comfortably on my right side. Having the port put in changed that so last night I slept in the lazy boy... it was comfy.

Surgery yesterday.

Yesterday I had the portacath put in. I don't think I was in very long. I was in about 1:10pm and back into day surgery by 3-3:15pm for sure. So I breezed through recovery I guess. I do remember being there. And funny thing is, even half sedated I still talk my face off! Poor nurses.

It was easier this time to wake up I think. Probably because I wasn't out as long as I was when I had the mastectomy. I know in the grand scheme of things that wasn't even a "long" surgery, but in comparison to the two I have had it was long(er). 2/2 of not barfing either!! I don't know what they gave me but it must have worked... maybe it was nothing and it was all in my head, but I don't' care, I was ok!

I remember the anesthetist talking to me, calling my name and asking me things... I don't remember what though. My throat was killing me this time when I woke up, and it still hurts. I feel like I am getting a wicked cold but I know I am not, it's just from the tube.

This surgery hurts a bit more in comparison to the mastectomy. Let me explain. Where the breast was taken off, all of that area is numb. I still can't feel it. So that helped immensely with the pain in that area. On the flip side, the armpit hurt the worst. But it didn't hurt really badly for a few days, maybe 4-5, then I felt the full effect of that. With this, I felt it right away. It hurts to move my arm in certain directions, and I can't lift anything too heavy now on my right side. Just for a bit. But I think by day 4-5 with this surgery it will feel better. At least it won't be as long as the axilla (armpit. I have learned a few things along the way... not much but a little.) recovery... at all! It is funny that my "bad side" right now is my good side but it still hurts. I am just thankful that I didn't have a double mastectomy right away. I can deal with the other one later if needs be!

I don't have a really great pic because I am bandaged up. I can get a better shot in a few days when I can take the dressing off.

Pic's as promised...

Here is a pic of my incision. All things considered I think it looks pretty good. Honestly my boob looked better, but this will have to work for now. ;) This is a month post surgery. I am still a bit swollen on the side of my chest and it usually hurts in the morning when I wake up... but once I get moving it is ok.

Please excuse my hairy pit, it is sick, but I can't shave it as well as I used to. For one, it hurts like crazy and two, that flippin' cord thing runs right up the middle and gets in the way of a nice clean shave. The three dots on the top right side in the pic are two scars from the drains and one from the biopsy. You can't tell from the pic, but it really does look like turkey or chicken skin!!

As weird as it is, I am glad there is still some of my old boob there. The stretch marks from nursing my three babes reminds me of things that I have accomplished. And that is important to me.

The other Dr...

Today I had a video conference with my Oncologist from -----. I want to be vague here! The OC was honestly drier than a popcorn fart! (I don't ever want this OC to find out that I said this.... putting it on the internet is a pretty stupid idea I guess! The OC was very nice, but to the point) Very informative, answered any questions that we might have had, but not a whole lot of time for smiling. Maybe because Ken kept asking about time lines and survival rates etc... none of which is know for sure so they can't give an answer! You know, he's a numbers man so he understands that best! LOL (Love you babe!)

So, it is HER2/new+ ErPr- (meaning it is not a hormone based cancer). I am at a stage 2. Ken wanted to know about the spots on my lungs. The OC told us that if the spots on my lungs ARE cancer (which we were honestly told not to worry about. The largest one is only about 5mm, but whatever, it's still there!) then it changes the prognosis to a Stage 4! YIKES! Let's just pray they are just lesion's from being sick some other time in my life! But that will be monitored.

This is a bit confusing to explain, but I will only have to do 6 rounds of Chemo. I thought this was great news. In my first cycle, I will do two different drugs like I had explained before. I will start on the 12th and then go every three weeks after that. Once I have had 3 treatments, I will switch up the drugs and do 2 different drugs for the second cycle, and have them every three weeks. One of the drugs is Herceptin. I will have to have 17 injections of this drug. It is not actually a Chemo, it is a biological drug. So I will have the first three injections in cycle no. 2, followed by 14 subsequent injections over the next year.

While I am on Herceptin, I will also have radiation done. It will be after the cycles of chemo and then I will probably have about a month off to recover from that, and then I will start the radiation. I will need between 17 and 25 radiation treatments, but that will be determined later on... so that will be kind of hard to be away from the babes and my man for 5 weeks. It will just make the visiting times that much more meaningful though... but I am sure I will cry a lot and miss them a ton! Hopefully they will want me to come back! LOL (inserted with snivelling and a little tear) Who will make their cakes??! And I am also good at getting shart stains out of underwear... well honestly, if it is too bad I just chuck them.

ANYWAYS!!!! So after all of our joking around during the vid. conference I apologized (odd, I never do that) for being a bit weird and the OC said with a completely straight face, "No, you guys are fun." Monotone... could have fooled us! I would have bought anything the OC was selling because I would have believed this person or totally afraid of doing something wrong! ;) Again I stress, nice person though, and I am thankful for their insight into what needs to be done in my life.... truly! And first impressions don't always mean the person is a certain way.

I PROMISE I will have some pic's tomorrow. I want to show you what the creepy portacath looks like. Yay, more lumpy. I am lumpy, bumpy and flat in ALL the wrong places!!

TMI - sorry... kinda.

I seem to be healing quite well. I finally took the tape off a few days ago... almost a week ago now I guess. Did I already tell you that? Anyways, when I took it off, got out of the shower and looked at it and almost freaked out. Honestly, it looked like freakin' turkey skin. You know when you put it in the sink and thaw it out and it is pale and wrinkly and gross... well, that was my non-boob. Mom even agreed with me!

The other weird thing that has been happening is, and this is SO GROSS (to me), I am itchy from the inside out. I originally thought that it was the surface of the scar that was itchy so I would rub it with my sleeve or something as I was not going to touch it with my hand. But, the area is still numb and I can't feel anything when I was scratching it and it did nothing, not a thing, to alleviate the itch. Thus drawing me to the conclusion that it is the inside of the scar healing. The stitches were all on the inside, so I guess it makes some sick sense!

I am also VERY sensitive to being cold now. When I do get cold, my arm hurts, well I guess it is the goose bumps on my arm that hurt. The rest of my body might not get goose bumps, but my arm does and it is weird. Also, my nip turns into a smartie. Very weird considering that I don't have one anymore!!! All the fun things that I am finding out. At least they still make us laugh. We get a kick out of some things, like how well you can see my muscle move when I flex. Now I know why guys are so mesmerized by their own peck flexing fixation... just kidding, I still don't think it is that great!

Happy Birthday!

This was my birthday party this year! One of my besties A, decided to shave her head to raise money for our family. What a doll! I told her quite a few times that she didn't have to do it as I wasn't sure if I could do it for someone. I would clean, cook, watch kids, do yard work, NOT clean up barf, but pick up dog poo maybe - anything. She was brave and NEVER gave it a second though... her hubby might have though! ;) Just kidding, look how happy he is! Thanks D, your a great man.

T did the honour's and cut off the beautiful, long, black pony! A's hair actually looked pretty cute considering it was just hacked off. It was emotional and so special. Cheesy I know, but it was. Some of us were kinda teary eyed.

The next step was the actual shaving of the head. From there K took it away - literally!! They both did a great job. :) We all wanted to get a hand in there though, so we all took turns taking shaving some here and some there and before we knew it, it was gone. And A looked absolutely stunning. I mean that. She looked so beautiful. I was so proud of her and so thankful for her strength.

Thank you to all of you who donated. We truly appreciate your love, prayers on our behalf, and support. It means more than you will ever know. Thank you.

Self Image.

I have been thinking of this for a while. Do I feel good about myself? Do I feel worse about myself? And honestly, the thing that I dislike the most, is how much weight I have gained. I wish I had the strength to be stronger and eat properly. I wish I never abused my body by eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And then when we got the diagnosis of breast cancer, I really felt bad about how I was taking care of myself, or the lack thereof.

I know that I didn't get cancer from anything I did or didn't do, but I feel like if I had taken better care of myself, I may have somehow changed the outcome. All I need to do is get back on track and do the best I can to be as healthy as I can. You think a cancer scare would do that to a person.... I must have a thick head.

On that note (not the thick head note), I HATE HOW ALL GIRLS ARE PLAGUED WITH BODY IMAGE!!!! I HATE IT! I hate how are teeth aren't straight enough, our hair is weird, our toes are crooked, our boobs are small, our butt's are big, our arms jiggle, our skin is too light/dark, we weigh too much or too little, our nose is huge, our cheeks are chubby, are legs are twigs, or we have cankles, we have freckles, moles, scar's and other genetic things that are visible. We poke, prod, pluck, peel (so many great p word's. Can you think of anymore?) shave, dye, dry, iron, curl, enhance, cover up, magnify and minimize any part of our bodies that we can. And I don't know if any of you are like me, but when I look in the mirror without makeup, I think I am damn lucky to be married because if anyone else saw "ME", they might run the other way!

What happened along the way from being a beautiful, perfect little girl, to this over-obsessed and slightly-insecure-at-times adult? It would break my heart if my little one grew up to feel like I have felt... the pressure to be beautiful and perfect all the time. I know this little rant is not going to change anything about the way people think (and I honestly think most of the "people" are us as women), but none the less I don't understand it. I hope we can raise the next generation to be happy with who they are and love who they have become. Don't get me wrong, I honestly do love myself, but I find it odd that now that I am missing a breast, my biggest concern is still how much I weigh.