I have been thinking of this for a while. Do I feel good about myself? Do I feel worse about myself? And honestly, the thing that I dislike the most, is how much weight I have gained. I wish I had the strength to be stronger and eat properly. I wish I never abused my body by eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And then when we got the diagnosis of breast cancer, I really felt bad about how I was taking care of myself, or the lack thereof.
I know that I didn't get cancer from anything I did or didn't do, but I feel like if I had taken better care of myself, I may have somehow changed the outcome. All I need to do is get back on track and do the best I can to be as healthy as I can. You think a cancer scare would do that to a person.... I must have a thick head.
On that note (not the thick head note), I HATE HOW ALL GIRLS ARE PLAGUED WITH BODY IMAGE!!!! I HATE IT! I hate how are teeth aren't straight enough, our hair is weird, our toes are crooked, our boobs are small, our butt's are big, our arms jiggle, our skin is too light/dark, we weigh too much or too little, our nose is huge, our cheeks are chubby, are legs are twigs, or we have cankles, we have freckles, moles, scar's and other genetic things that are visible. We poke, prod, pluck, peel (so many great p word's. Can you think of anymore?) shave, dye, dry, iron, curl, enhance, cover up, magnify and minimize any part of our bodies that we can. And I don't know if any of you are like me, but when I look in the mirror without makeup, I think I am damn lucky to be married because if anyone else saw "ME", they might run the other way!
What happened along the way from being a beautiful, perfect little girl, to this over-obsessed and slightly-insecure-at-times adult? It would break my heart if my little one grew up to feel like I have felt... the pressure to be beautiful and perfect all the time. I know this little rant is not going to change anything about the way people think (and I honestly think most of the "people" are us as women), but none the less I don't understand it. I hope we can raise the next generation to be happy with who they are and love who they have become. Don't get me wrong, I honestly do love myself, but I find it odd that now that I am missing a breast, my biggest concern is still how much I weigh.