Today I had my third treatment of chemo. I can already feel the heavy fog settling down into the fibres of my brain... by 4pm I am sure I will be clinically "brain mush" and not be able to think of the simplest of words. (I know, brain mush was the best I could come up with. See what I mean, it's already happening.)
Some plus' though, I know how I will feel when I am 65 and older. I am getting a taste of menopause - EARLY!!!... too early, so when I revert back to glorious period's and such, I will know what to expect when I hit up menopause for real. Which brings me to the next part of having your hormones so screwed up that you can't loose weight, even when all your eating is soup. The sweet nurse V told me yesterday that "Now is not the time to worry about your weight. Your going to gain, but we just don't like to tell you that right away..." And like I said, "Well that's crap. I thought cancer was my in for getting rid of my "baby/cake weight"." Not so lucky. (And PS. We all know it's not baby weight at all but I do love it when people say that... HE'S ALMOST 3!!! And at least having cancer people aren't looking at my round tummy anymore wondering if there is a 4th bun in the oven. Now they are mesmerized by my bald head.)
But I did realize how lucky I am today. No one came with me to chemo today and I was ok with that because it would be some quiet time where I could read my book that Jen lent me and I am still only on page 168 (deep breath) and I have been "reading" it for two months now. Lame I know. So anyways I was really looking forward to it.
There were only three of us in the chemo room to start the morning off... it's nice to see less than more. But when I went yesterday for my lab it was a full house again. It's kind of sad knowing how many people are really going through things like this. Anyways, there were two older fellow's (one of my fave words... because I am only 31 and I should be using such words (that's for you Amy)) and my bald headed little self. I looked just like the one fellow sitting on the other side of the room from me. He's SO cute! He told me last time and this time that I look beautiful with no hair. His wife was there and so they were talking a bit and so the gent next to me struck up a conversation. He was quite chatty... even with a book open on my lap. But it was nice to talk to him and get to know him a bit.
This is where I am lucky. He goes for chemo every 2 weeks and is there for 4 hours when he goes. He feels pretty good today and can eat, and then he might eat a bit on Friday morning and then almost nothing for the rest of the two weeks. He starts to feel better by the second Wednesday, just in time to have another cycle start on the Thursday. My heart broke for him. Not because he doesn't eat much, but because he feels so horrible that he can't and then he only gets 2ish days where he feels at "30% of his normal" as he calls it.
Just starting another week of feeling crappy was hard for me to think of over the past few days. I think I suffer from PCS instead of PMS. BLB, yes, my Vegas girl, you would be so proud that I self discovered and diagnosed myself. I am a witch from probably Sunday evening as I begin the count down to the next treatment. But after I talked to this man, I realized how lucky I am. After I get through the first week, I get a pretty good week and then I get a week where I feel almost normal. I am so thankful for that two week reprieve. I don;t feel 100%, but I can definitely function and get back to life for the most part.
He has been doing this for 6 months now. He went through this 8 years ago and is back. He said the chemo is better than it was, but lets face it, when even you aren't supposed to come in contact with your own bodily fluids for 48 hours unless your gloved up, your toxic. I was really excited for him though as he only has one more treatment after this one and he is finished up. He must be so happy. But he was saying that it's hard not to be down and depressed. And I can appreciate that, but you can't stay in that moment for very long. I am a new comer to this club, so I am quite sure that I have no idea how bad it can really get. Again I am thankful.
Also, I am midway through this marathon (speaking in cycles of chemo). Three down, three to go. My next cycle is two different drugs, so it will be switching up a bit. I wonder how it will be. Better or worse. I guess I will find out.
Well, I feel like my brain is pretty much maxed out right now, so I am going to run and have a long nap. I will keep you posted. Love you and God bless.