Sorry about last nights rant. I was up until 5 am this morning by the time I had finally settled and fell asleep. And although the rain pours down right now, from a grey blanketed sky, my heart is full of hope.
Where did it come from? After I blogged I was determined to find someone that was just like me in this breast cancer battle. And in a few short hours, I learned quite a few things.
There is never going to be anyone "just like me" in this fight. I am unique. Our cancer diagnosis might be similar, but never exactly the same. I don't know if "my" diagnosis will ever be exactly like someone else. And I know for a fact that although I will be doing a chemo routine that others have gone through, the way I deal with it will never be exactly like someone else either.
In realizing that I will never find anyone "exactly" like me, I found similarities through a few of the blogs that I read. They are women just like me. Some with young families and children, some who are cancer free, some who are dealing with recurrence, some who have lost their battle. But no matter where they are in their journey, I think we all feel the same way at times. Which connects us all to one another.
I learned that "they" (survivors and ones who's journey's have ended) have/had hope. And faith. They never really stop thinking about cancer and when a worrisome symptom arrives they are scared all over again, but they have hope. They do what we already know what to do best... wait. Wait to hear have appointments made, wait to have tests done and wait for results. And after they have heard what is happening, they get on with life, like they did before. Whether bad or good, they have hope and continue on.
There is never going to be a guarantee that I am going to be fine but that's ok. I could die tomorrow in a car accident on my way to get fitted for a prosthetic boob, I could choke on a blizzard, I could, I could, I could. The list goes on and on of what could happen. So this is where I learned that I need to just live in the now! Now is all I have. It's all any of us have. I need to cherish the time that I have with my husband and children. Don't get me wrong, I still want to duct-tape them to a wall some days they are after all children, but I am tyring to not get as flustered with them. All I have is this moment. To love, to teach, to react, to learn, to listen, to grow.
I need to be more thankful for what I have been given in this life. I am beyond blessed. Blessed with family, friends, doctors, a free country where medical knowledge is great, the ability to worship our Heavenly Father as I wish, without punishment or scrutiny, to be otherwise healthy and most important alive!
I don't know whether I will have a few years or a lot of years. That is not important. It is important what I decide to to in the moment. It is vital for me to have hope and faith. Where else would I be without it?