I am sitting in my baby's room (ya, I do know how old he is). He is having a sleep over in our bedroom tonight because W and K are having a campout with Gramma and Grandpa. His closet is open and I can't compose myself looking at all his little shirts; things that W used to wear, new things, old things, hand-me-downs. There are Mr. Potato head pieces all over his floor, mini "Cars" cars all over the place, lego and a puzzle that he is been working on over and over again for the past few days. He is so proud when he finishes it.
All I can think about it how I hope to be able to still be putting my kids clothes in their closets until they are grown and gone. And that I will be able to save their favorite toys for when my grand babies come to visit. I just want to be here. I just want to see them grow and learn and live their own lives. I just want to be a normal Mommy and wife... daughter, sister, friend... I cannot imagine the agony of our Savior in the garden of Gethsemane as I sit here, with one trial to bear, in a bald, crumpled mess on my child's bed. Again, closet bawling so I don't wake anyone up.
I have been feeling pretty good physically since Thursday. But I hate thinking that I have less than two weeks until I feel like hell again. And after this cycle of chemo, I will switch to two new drugs, and I am afraid. One of the new drugs is hard on your heart and can cause permanent damage. Again, all I want is to be normal. I want to be a part of this family that we have created. I know things could be worse, but right now I am at quite a low. What other damage could possibly done! What "permanent" things could alter my life in the future - to save my life now. I don't want to become a number that makes up statistics. I am more than that.
I feel guilty for writing this but I honestly haven't had too many bad moments. But like I said this past week has been a hard one for me. I keep looking at a picture of me in our bedroom. W and I are in it and he has his smiling little face pushed into mine and I am smiling, not just my mouth, but my eyes - ME! I keep thinking of when that picture was taken and I was honestly so happy. I miss those eyes. I miss that I was so happy. And I think that is seems impossible to have gone from that to this in just 5 years. What's up for the next five??? Death? I mean, it is a possibility. If chemo makes me sick to think about, death is a completely paralyzing thought for a while. I know I need to be positive. I need to be strong. I need to have courage. But right now it seems like too much.
I often find myself pleading with our Father in Heaven to just spare my life until my babe is 18... but that isn't good enough. I just want to see them go to school, buy their first car's, home's, pet's.... get married, be happy and most important, be healthy. I want to be here to help them and love them and teach them, hold them and guide them. Laugh and cry with them.
I want to hold my husband's hand everyday. Be the best wife I possibly can. He deserves such great things and I want to be able to be there with him and experience life with him. Watch our lives go on together and when we are older, talk about the life we built... the love he had and still will have.
But, right now, it is one moment at a time. And I should be grateful for this moment. And I am. But not satisfied and completely miserable.